You will never be a real incel. You have no autism, you have no negative canthal tilt, you have no deep seated emotional resentment. You are a well-adjusted man twisted by irony and memes into a crude mockery of a stone cold virgin.

All the “rejection” you get is two-faced and half-hearted. Behind your back girls love you. Your parents are proud and happy for you, "Stacies” swoon over your masculine appearance behind closed doors.

Women are utterly smitten with you. Thousands of years of evolution have allowed women to sniff out chads with incredible efficiency. Even incels who “pass” look strong and charismatic to a woman. Your deep voice and good sense of humor are a dead giveaway. And even if you manage to earn a little online incel clout, you'll get cancelled the second your DMs get leaked and everybody gets a glimpse of the e-girls thirsting over you.

You will never be depressed. You wrench out a fake "tfw no gf" every single morning and tell yourself it’s going to be miserable, but deep inside you feel the happiness creeping up like a weed, ready to bless you with unshakeable confidence.

Eventually it’ll be too much to bear - you’ll find a girlfriend, marry her, knock her up, and have seven healthy kids together. Your parents will praise you, happy but a little bit sentimental now that their little boy has finally grown up. They’ll spoil the kids with candies and toys, and every acquaintance for the rest of your life will know that you're a fakecel. Eventually you will pass on surrounded by your loved ones. Your body will decay and go back to the dust, and all that will remain of your legacy is a family that misses you dearly.

This is your fate. This is what you chose. There is no turning back.