What is the Mank?
Mank. Many have heard, not all have believed. Now, for the first time, those who created what has become the legend that is Mank, have gone public with the the story of what the Mank is, and how it came to be. The story began on a perfectly normal day in the middle of May 1999. Three normal, healthy, fun-loving young men became embroiled in a series of events that were to have an astonishingly minimal affect on their lives, but were later to be blown totally out of all proportion, and put on a badly designed web-page.

It began with pudding. White pudding, the worst kind. Pudding of the ilk that would poke you in eye and run away, or, without any provocation, kick you up the arse as you bend to tie your shoelace. Pudding of the kind that would hit your children with a blunt stick, or sneak into the home of a blind person and move the furniture around. Pudding, in other words, so vicious, so bent on harm, so stupendously and malevolently evil, that even the crimes of the notorious Pat the B*stard or Crazy Joseph, raper of canines, pale into pitiful insignificance when compared with it's potential for damage to the human race, and carbon-based life forms in general.

And after the pudding there was fizzy orange. As the pudding, uncooked, reposed inside a bowl contemplating acts of despicable awfulness, the steadfast three, sparing no thought for the consequences of their actions for themselves, with magnicent cunning and dauntless courage surprised the pudding by covering it with fizzy orange and microwaving the hideous result at full power for several minutes. Confident now that they had vanquished this paragon of nastiness, the three approached the now foul smelling cooking device and opened the door. What happened next was beyond what the human mind should ever have to endure. The pudding had not proved as easy to conquer as the valiant three had thought, but instead had combined with the fizzy orange to form what they were later to realise was the beginning of the Mank.

The Story Continues.....
And so it had begun. Aghast though they were at the strength of the powers of what they now christened the Mank, our heroic friends battled on, attacking the Mank with every weapon in their inventory, including salt, bleach, polish, washing up liquid, ketchup, kitchen cleaner, pepper, cooking oil, and every other substance with which the kitchen presses provided them with, but despite this, and several more bouts in the microwave, the three gradually realised that their efforts had only succeeded in creating something so revolting, so hideous, and yet so strangely compelling, that to leave it in the kitchen was no longer an option. The fumes made even entering the kitchen a traumatic experience, with the Mank now acting in a similar fashion to tear gas.

Crisis loomed.

Our heroes, however, when lesser men would have given up and gone to the pub, struck one final, desperate blow for decency. Nominating the strongest of their number, they sent forth one man, with a towel wrapped tightly around his head to offer some small protection from the disgusting and festering aura that the Mank had filled the kichen with. Despite the stinging in his eyes and the pain involved in breathing, he grabbed the bowl and quickly carried it to the front window, where be threw it out into the street below. The Mank was free.

The Legend Goes On....
Many of you, having read the story that tells what the mank is may well wonder why it has been felt necessary by the three to bring this issue to public attention on this lavishly designed and stupendously attractive web page. The reasons are manyfold, but there is one main cause for the work to which you now bear witness.......

The Mank disappeared.

Yes indeed, despite the bravery and sacrifice of the three in their fight against the malevolant Mank, it's evil was not to be subdued. In fact a mere couple of days later there was nought to be found at the spot where the seemingly defeated pudding-based paragon of supreme nastiness had lain on the pavement but a rather revolting stain on the public footpath. To their horror (or to put it another way, utter indifferance) the three realised that the Mank was now quite possibly in hiding in some festering corner of their city, planning it's hideous revenge on the human race and, most especially, on the valiant three who had with such industrious endevours attempted to destroy it.

Naturally, in light of the ♥♥♥♥-the-pants-scary situation in which they now found themselves the three were gripped by the spine-chilling hand of panic. But even in such dark times they managed to agree on the correct course of action. They adjourned to the local purveyor of mind numbing intoxicants. Following the consumption of copious amounts of these alcoholic beverages the three had a brilliant idea. Several days later when their hangovers had cleared up they had another, slightly more practical idea, which did not include quite so many live chickens or court appearances.

They would create the second Mank, a stronger, more pungent, and enormously powerful Manky substance that would surely seek out their first creation and crush it into a small bit of crushed manky evil stuff. Leaping once more into action in defense of the human race and their own low boredom thresholds, the three began work on the new substance. Actually one of them began work, the other two having pretty much forgotten the whole thing and were now conducting alcohol tolerance experiments in other parts of the country.

The Finale!
The base chosen for the second mank was the contents of one of the three's stomach, which had been foiled in it's dramatic bid for freedom by the timely placing of a large plastic container in it's downward path, which brought it's pursuit of life in a new and more pleasant locale in the Cayman Islands to an abrupt and undignified halt. The quest for the killer of Mank had begun. As with the creation of the first Mank the process of finding just the right conbination of ingrediants was a necessarily careful one, with a host of household substances giving of their own number for the cause. Within weeks the second coming was complete.

The second Mank was realised into the wild, with it's Manky mind thinking dark thoughts of Mankocide. The three now realised that they had done all that it was possible to do to guarentee the future survival of the human race and once more resumed their carefree lives, finding new and interesting ways to persecute those who unable to stop them and investigating new ways to kill the time seperating them from the end of their increasingly empty and meaningless lives. It was obvious that the three were suffering from Mank war syndrome, and needed professional help to confront the horrors of the war against the pudding-based evil.

And so it came to pass that a web page was to be created through which our heroes could communicate their experiences to the world, and so help them to face up to their pasts. It was in this context that I, who shall be known to you as Manky Pat, came to know the three and it is I who bring to you their astonishing tale through the medium of the internet.