You know how other places have a hot and ready pizza? Pfft.
Well we have a hot and sexy pizza! Oh yeah.
Jim's Hot and Sexy Pizza!
It's the greatest thing since sliced bread! Better than THIS!
Our pizzas have lots of toppings like hot dogs, bacon, hamburgers, chicken wings, and another pizza.
Delivered to your door in a greasy plastic bag.
Or if you wanna save the planet, we'll cut down on waste and deliver just the pizza.

Hi, I'm Jim of Jim's Hot and Sexy Pizza.
Here we have the crustiest crust, you'll bite into it, and it'll be like dust!
And you'll have to pick some crud off of it and put them in one of the little crud buckets that's located at every table,

Jim always goes DEEP!
With deep-dish pizza, we dig a hole, you stick your head in it, and you pay $3, and it's a lot of food.

Jim likes it RAW!
With raw toppings...
We got raw broccoli, a screw, raw beef, and raw dough.
You don't need to be eating anything else for the rest of the day, 'cause you'll be chewing on that one piece of flour and eggs all day long.
If you wanna play Baseball, go ahead!

Jim likes it WET!
Wet with grease...
If you like yourself a greatsy pitzzy, you're in luck, 'cause our pizzas are dripping with heart disease.
If you get too much grease... (there's no such thing)
Then you can wipe it off with your own napkins from your own home.
This restaurant doesn't carry its own napkins, I usually just wipe my fingers on my khakis.

We didn't mention this before because it's a liability, but when you come here, you have to make your own pizza.
There's nobody that works here, it's just me!
So come on in, say hi to me, then go make your own pizza.
Toss the dough up in the air like you always wanted to when you were a little girl.
Throw a little dirt on it, whatever you want, I don't care.
Sign the "You Can't Sue Me" release form, then cook it in our oven.
All we have is a stolen hotel microwave, so it's gonna take awhile.

And we have a 100% satisfaction guarantee, where if you don't like our food, THEN YOU CAN GET OUT OF MY RESTAURANT
People ask me, what makes your pizza so sexy...
...
It's the way we place the pepperonis.

So come on down to Jim's Hot and Sexy Pizza, and have yourself a sexy slice!