IF I DISCONNECTED IT'S BECAUSE MY DOG DIED

BABY NOOBS SQUISHED IN DBD: 6 SQUILLION
LOSSES TAKEN IN DBD: ZERO
WOMEN I'VE HAD SEX WITH: INNUMERABLE

I HAVE SINGLE-HANDEDLY INVENTED A TECHNOLOGY CAPABLE OF ALTERING THE VERY FOUNDATION OF OUR NOBLE SPECIES. ELON MUSK, FOOL THAT HE IS, HAS ARROGANTLY REFUSED MY FRANKLY GENEROUS OFFER TO SHARE THIS GROUNDBREAKING INVENTION FOR A MERE 10 TRILLION QUID. HE DEFIES MY STATUS AS A LUMINARY! AND SO, I AM FORCED TO ASK THAT YOU, THE READER, DONATE YOUR PRECIOUS METALS AND VALUABLE ARTIFACTS TO MY CAUSE. YOU KNOW NOT WHAT LAYS AT STAKE HERE.

YOURS TRULY, ALEXANDER THE COURAGEOUS, DUKE OF LEEDS