[Cheery instrumental music]
The Griffin family is watching The Brady Bunch in their living room
On the TV:
Jan: Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.
Mike: Greg, were you smoking cigarettes?
Greg: No, Dad.
Mike looks at Carol
Mike: Well, he's lying. There's no doubt about that.
Looks back at Greg
Mike: Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snakepit.
Mike pushes a button and the floor in front of them opens up.
Mike: Now maybe that'll give you some time to think about what you've done.
Greg: Aw, man!
Greg jumps into the snakepit

Jan: That'll teach him.
Mike walks over to a metal door
Mike: And Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire... for tattling on your brother.
Cuts back to the family
Lois (sounding disgusted): Ugh, smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong?
Peter: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian: The Bradys?
Peter Aw, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it.
A woman pops up in front of the Griffins' window
Woman: You folks want some pancakes?
Peter: No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is, uh, Jemima's Witnesses.
Theme Song
Cuts to Chris, Lois, Stewie, and Meg in the kitchen
Meg: Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections?
Lois: Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.
Cuts away to DAS Gym
[polka music playing in the gym]
It shows Hitler struggling to lift barbells.
Hitler hears laughing and looks over to see a body building Jewish man being held onto by both arms by two hot women.
Hitler (pissed): ***growls***
Cut scene ends.
Shows Stewie in the kitchen, working on an invention.
Stewie: Excellent! The mind-control device is nearing completion!
Lois: Stewie, I said no toys at the table.
Lois takes the mind-control device out of Stewie's hands.
Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Lois: Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born... the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he's ever seen.
Stewie: But, of course, that was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans... to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille! Return the device, woman!
Lois: No toys, Stewie.
Lois takes the mind-control device away from Stewie and places it in a cupboard.
Stewie: Very well, then. Mark my words: when you least expect it, you uppance will come!
[suspenseful instrumental music]
Meg: Mom, can I turn the heat up?
Lois: Oh, don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
Meg: Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
Meg turns up the heat for the thermostat up to 65 degrees
Peter bursts into the kitchen
Peter: Who touched the thermostat?
Meg: God, how does he always know?
Peter: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the children are messing with the dial.
A man bursts into the kitchen from the outside door.
Random Guy #1: Hey Peter, my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?
Peter: Yeah, it's all right.
Random Guy #2: Hey, is my kid over here?
Random Guy #1: Yeah, forget it! False alarm!
A third guy's head pops up behind the first two guys' heads
Cuts back to Peter, blocking part of the doorway where Brian walks in.
Brian: Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?
Lois: He's going to a stag party.
Peter: Now Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. And as the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party.
Lois: Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble.
Peter: Come on. You're worrying about nothing.
Lois: Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church?
Cuts away to a priest giving a sermon
Priest: And so the Lord God smote poor Job... with festering boils all over his body.
God: Oh man, I hate it when he tells this story.
Shows Peter taking a sip of wine while the priest is talking in the background.
Priest: Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.
Peter: ***coughs*** Whoa, is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must have been wasted 24 hours a day.
Cut scene ends
Lois: And then there was that time at the ice cream store.
Cuts to an ice cream shop where Peter is staring at his ice cream cone.
Peter: Oh, Butter Rum's my favorite.
Peter takes a lick of his ice cream. Peter passes out, falling face first into a table and breaking it.
Cut scene ends
Brian: And remember when you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
Cuts away to everyone in a movie theatre
[Audience crying]
Peter is staring deeply into the movie screen
Peter: I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch.
Tom Hanks' character: I have AIDS.
Peter: ***laughing hysterically*** ta ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Cut scene ends
Lois: Promise me, Peter.
Peter: Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.
Cuts to the party.
Quagmire: Hey, who wants to play "Drink The Beer"?
Peter: Right here.
Peter drinks the beer.
Quagmire: You win.
Peter: All right. What do I win?
Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter: Oh, I'm going for the high score.
Quagmire: Well actually, Charlie's got the high score.
Shows a drunk guy taking a leak in the grandfather clock
Charlie: Hey, man. Your clock won't flush.
Goes back to Peter talking with his friends
Peter: Heh. You know, I feel kind of bad, you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.
Quagmire: Oh, don't feel bad, Peter.
Peter: Oh, gee. I never thought of it like that.
Random Perv: Hey, did you bring the porno?
Peter: Did I bring the porno huh?
Peter pulls out a movie labeled "Assablanca".
Peter: You're gonna love it. It's a classic.
Shows the guys watching the movie on the couch
On the movie:
Rick: Listen to me, Ilsa. If I take this thing out... and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life.
Cuts back to the guys
Peter: Oh, come on, Ilsa! Get on!
Cuts back to the movie
[Funky music playing]
Ilsa smiles and begins taking off all her clothes.
The movie is interrupted and the Statue of Liberty appears on the screen.
Movie Narrator: The statue was originally a gift from France.
Cuts back to the guys
Charlie: What is this?
Peter: Oh, man. My kid must've taped over this for history class.
[Groans]
Random Perv: The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do?
Peter: Boys, boys, we're gonna drink until she's hot.
Quagmire: Hey, that's just crazy enough to work.
Everyone begins downing their beers.
Cuts to Lois pouring coffee the next morning.
Lois: Meg, finish your pancakes.
Shows the whole kitchen with Peter hung over and laying on the table.
Lois: Chris, elbows off your father.
Peter: Thanks, son.
Lois: 37 beers. You're setting a great example for the kids, Peter.
Chris: Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, dad.
Lois: Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that.
Peter: Now kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Lois: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag... oh ***laughs*** I almost walked right into that one. Oh, God!
Peter puts his hands up to his head.
Peter: It feels like there's accountants are cranking adding machines in my head.
Cuts to inside Peter's head with two accountants.
[Machines whirring]
Paul: ♥♥♥♥, you ever wonder what's outside those walls?
♥♥♥♥: Say now, that's dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work.
Paul: ***quick laugh*** Okay.
Cuts back to Peter on the table.
Lois: You see, Peter? A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean...
Lois's chair breaks and she falls