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89 of 89 (100%) achievements earned:
Personal Achievements
 

R. Kelly's Protege

Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 1:04am

Duck Dynasty

Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 1:19am

Here, Wilfred

Gained your first dog helper.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 2:33am

Chapelle's Show

Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 5:07pm

Taxidermy with Chuck Testa

Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 1:11am

Michonne ain't got nothin' on me

Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 7:44pm

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Survived Monday.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 2:26am

C U Next Tuesday

Survived Tuesday.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 1:16am

OMG, NEW MODERN FAMILY TONIGHT!

Survived Wednesday.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 3:25pm

It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays

Survived Thursday.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 1:42am

Workin' for the Weekend

Survived Friday.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 7:06pm

Screw Bill Lumbergh!

Survived Saturday.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 8:29pm

I swear, I thought it was a home fill

Exploded a nuclear bomb.
Unlocked Dec 7, 2014 @ 4:03am

Cesar Millan is Very Happy

Mauled 30 people with your dog.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 2:17am

OMG, WE'RE HAVING A FIRE...sale

Roasted 30 people with fire.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 5:02pm

Rebecca Black's Nightmare

Totaled 30 cars.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 4:06pm

Hello, Newman

Kicked 30 dogs.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 4:46pm

Darth Maul'd!

Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 1:42am

Reddit would be proud.

Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 2:08am

Pussy on a Pedestal

Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 5:39pm

I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace

Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 3:08am

Uncle T-Bag

Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 4:22pm

Do you even Enzyte, bro?

Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 1:25am

Running With Scissors

Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 5:33pm

Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!

Killed over 1,000 people.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 6:03pm

And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree

Killed all of the book protestors in the library.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 2:55am

Lieberman is our Leader!

Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 2:05am

Sheriff Arpaio would be proud.

Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 2:19am

Can't Touch This

Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 2:55pm

Fear and Loathing

Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.
Unlocked Feb 11, 2015 @ 3:09pm

Señor Cornballer

Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 2:12am

GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!

Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 5:01pm

Rick Grimes 4 Life

Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 8:31pm

Anustart!

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.
Unlocked Feb 15, 2015 @ 4:32pm

40 Year Old Virgin

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)
Unlocked Oct 10, 2018 @ 1:47pm

CAN YOU DIG IT?!

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people.)
Unlocked Oct 10, 2018 @ 1:47pm

Planet of the Apes: The Musical

Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.
Unlocked Mar 8, 2015 @ 3:58am

Scientology Level: OT VIII

Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.
Unlocked Oct 10, 2018 @ 1:47pm

Fur Sure!

Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 2:07am

It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog

Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 1:19am

Where's Mr. McGibblets?

Gave Krotchy the bad touch.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 1:38am

Finkle IS Einhorn!

Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 1:07am

Anger Management With Roger Clemens

Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 1:56am

Shiva Blast

"Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 7:55pm

Don't taze me, bro!

Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 1:58am

I Am Legend

Committed suicide... the Taliban way.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 1:05am

I should buy a boat

Read the newspaper every day.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 2:01am

Friend of Dorothy

Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 1:23am

Officer McLovin'

Asked a police officer to sign your petition.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 2:34am

Paid the Piper

Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 3:09pm

Well, aren't YOU a badass

Kicked open a door.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 12:58am

I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you

Put out someone that's on fire.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 2:00am

It's sterile and I like the taste

Sucked down your own piss.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 1:30am

It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway

Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 2:32am

FAB-U-LOUS!

Wore all three outfits.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 2:53am

I don't need virgins for this

Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 1:05am

A-Rod Who?

Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 3:44pm

Door Mat

Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 2:59pm

Chuck Norris'd!

Killed someone with a flying jump kick.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 1:32am

One time, at band camp...

Saved the marching band from explody death.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 2:52am

There's always money in the banana stand

Found the secret bank exit on Monday.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 2:17am

SCREW that game!

Found the hidden copy of POSTAL III and peed on it.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 5:41pm

Found 'em faster than GWB

Discovered the hidden Taliban base.
Unlocked Dec 5, 2014 @ 1:42am

Gotta pay the Troll Toll

Found one of the hidden underground sewers.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2014 @ 1:07am

John Rambo'd!

Made a very long killing spree.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 8:14pm

Gary vs. The K. Man

Discovered the Gary vs. Krotchy arena during the Apocalypse.
Unlocked Dec 6, 2014 @ 6:51pm

You are not alone

Observed an NPC going POSTAL!
Unlocked Dec 10, 2014 @ 2:00pm

Thanks for the money!

Finished all seven days.
Unlocked Dec 7, 2014 @ 4:04am

GABAGOOOOOL!

Reunited with an old friend.
Unlocked Jan 29, 2016 @ 2:14pm

Holocaust: Part Deux

Reunited with an old enemy.
Unlocked Jan 29, 2016 @ 4:03pm

Rain on your Wedding Day

Reunited with an old flame.
Unlocked Jan 29, 2016 @ 6:14pm

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad

Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.
Unlocked Jan 29, 2016 @ 8:14pm

Better than POSTAL III

Rescued your loyal companion.
Unlocked Jan 29, 2016 @ 11:43pm

My Name is Jesus

Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.
Unlocked Oct 10, 2018 @ 1:51am

Harder than r/gonewild

Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.
Unlocked Oct 10, 2018 @ 3:08am

Adderall4All

Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)
Unlocked Oct 10, 2018 @ 1:51am

Ape Gape

Escaped the Animal Control Center with all monkeys alive.
Unlocked Jan 29, 2016 @ 1:58pm

Dick Message

Wasted no time with the Wise Wang.
Unlocked Mar 18, 2016 @ 9:53pm

PooMasher

Bought the toilet paper instead of stealing it.
Unlocked May 28, 2016 @ 7:57pm

Hobo Sexual

Collected money for charity without stealing from Zack Ward.
Unlocked Jun 1, 2018 @ 12:13pm

Ginger Mint

Killed Zack Ward.
Unlocked Jan 29, 2016 @ 5:21pm

Ode to Eddings

Deactivated all of the Vend-A-Cure XJ-2 units.
Unlocked Jun 1, 2018 @ 2:06pm

Ladies Love Cake

Defeated your hateful ex-wife with delicious cake.
Unlocked Jun 1, 2018 @ 1:33pm

Rich on Reddit

Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
Unlocked May 28, 2016 @ 8:16pm

BioShocked

Spent $2000 on vending machines.
Unlocked Jan 29, 2016 @ 10:29pm

Gettin DP'd

Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.
Unlocked Jan 29, 2016 @ 3:06pm

You Snow Nothing John Blow

Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.
Unlocked Jun 1, 2018 @ 12:51pm

RAFIBOMB!!!

Kicked 10 people in the balls.
Unlocked Jan 29, 2016 @ 1:40pm

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Waited 13 real world years to see an in-game Easter egg. Thanks for sticking with us!
Unlocked Apr 20, 2018 @ 7:40pm