Depression, it’s always gonna be there. So it’s gonna be in my head. Like I can take pills for that, but it’s always gonna be there. And that’s why I hate it so much, because it’s so fricking unpredictable. Like I can be completely fine now, and then like… wake up the next day. Or literally seconds later something triggers me and I will freak out. I will lie in my bed. I will cry. I’ll take a shower. I’ll crouch down. You know, like I just don’t…
And literally like… depression is what it looks like in the movies. It’s closed curtains. Being in bed all day. Not wanting to go out. And you know when you have anxiety as well. Like you’re scared to go out. There were many times where I couldn’t. Where I would pee in my bed because I was too sad to get the frick up and go to the bathroom. Sorry… it’s just so frustrating. Like it really is frustrating.
To have to lie in your filth because you don’t give a frick about anything. Because you can’t give a frick about anything. Because nothing fricking matters. And it just sucks because it’s neurotic, so things matter. Things… you care about things. But you can’t at the same time. So you’re stuck in this in-between. And it’s like… you don’t care enough to go outside and meet new friends. But you care enough to like… you know… be alive.
It’s just… I’m sorry… it’s just really frustrating. It’s like I fricking hate depression. Like, I would kill it. Like why is it even here. It’s just horrible. Because it’s always gonna be here. And it’s never gonna go away. Things are just awful. Things are really awful. And even if everything’s okay and like you feel stupid for being so ungrateful. Because I am grateful. It’s just that I can’t predict what’s going on… you know.
Like, I have had to cancel a lot of things because I was too depressed to even like give a frick. You just don’t wanna see yourself living another day. It’s just… I remember when my depression was really bad, cause it’s way better now. And it was like, I couldn’t. It started off where I couldn’t see myself in the next month. Or I couldn’t see myself in a week’s time. And then it starts to come, where I couldn’t even see myself tomorrow morning. I couldn’t even see where I would be in the next hour. And it just… that’s when you know my suicide attempt happened. Cause it’s just… I couldn’t freaking see it.
If I don’t love myself… then… nobody will. And that’s the sad truth about it. And that’s what I’m trying to do now. I’m trying to be, honestly, if you’re… if you have depression, be selfish. I know that’s bad but it’s… be selfish, think of yourself… you gotta care about yourself. Like honestly like I would just… you are the most amazing person you can be. The most important relationship you can have with anybody is yourself. So you just… there you go…
I just… I wanna fricking… I just wanna fricking die right now. I just wanna be here. I wanna be alone.