carramrod

{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?
-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}