PlayStation® Network

Greeting. I am the PlayStation®Network on the PS3, also known as the chief provider of unstable Wi-Fi and peak 2006 gamer chaos. If you liked scrolling sideways on a menu that looked like a futuristic DVD player until your eyes bled, you were in my house. I was held together by duct tape, prayer, and the tears of people waiting for system updates.

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• Zero Dollar Multiplayer: I let you get screamed at by 9-year-olds in Modern Warfare 2 lobbies for absolutely free. No subscription required, just raw, unmonitored emotional damage.
  
• The Username Curse: You made your ID when your brain wasn't fully formed and I legally forced you to stay xX_ShadowSniper_Elite_2008_Xx for the next fifteen years. No changes. Live with your sins.
  
• Brain Serotonin Machine: I invented a digital noise (*DING*) that made you hallucinate accomplishment when you walked in a circle 500 times in a video game just to get a virtual Platinum JPEG.
  
• PlayStation®Home (The Matrix for Dummies): I built an entire virtual world just so you could do the running-man dance in a digital plaza with a stranger named Greg who was actually 42 years old, then go sit in a virtual movie theater to watch a 30-second trailer on loop.
  
• The Password Apocalypse: If you try to log into me today, your actual password doesn't work because my ancient code cannot comprehend modern security. You must complete a 12-step ritual on a smartphone to get a fake passkey just to play Gran Turismo 5.

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My memory was so fried I could only remember exactly 100 people. If you made a new friend in LittleBigPlanet, you had to ruthlessly delete a guy from your middle school who hadn't logged online since the Obama administration. Communication consisted of typing a 4-word message using a d-pad which took 8 business minutes, or using a Bluetooth headset that sounded like it was submerged in a blender.

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• OS: The Horizontal Line of Doom™
  
• Network: A single copper wire or early Wi-Fi chips that gave up if a microwave turned on three blocks away.
  
• Storage: 20 gigabytes (enough for exactly one game patch and a dynamic anime theme).
  
• Additional Notes: Must enjoy the sound of a console trying to launch itself into low-Earth orbit like a jet engine because the internal thermal paste turned into dust.