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Live by the three E's:
Enjoy Explore Eviscerate
Rip and tear until its fun(again)
It could not be because of you, but because of the people you play with. There are plenty of people who belittle, insult, redicule or accuse people who react emotionally simply because it amuses them, or they get dopamine from upsetting others. It is so common in fact you can just browse these forums a little and find immediate posts where someone is just bombarding someone else with "Loaded" statements which are clearly going to upset the OP or whoever they're referring to.
Maybe you're being bullied rather than supported
Maybe you're playing alone and have this false sense you're playing together, due to their social-predator-behavior. 'needing to be the best', 'needing to look down on others, so that they themselves feel better', them not welcoming you when you when you show your emotions, (no care from their side), maybe even to the point of rejection.
Maybe your needs aren't met basically, but you need to figure out what those needs are.
And honestly, how people playing games communicate could use improvement overal anyway, so even if this isn't the case at all, it may still be something others should try to be aware of when they communicate themselves.
Like, people have emotions, no need to drill into them constantly. Its controlling, sadistic, and quick pleasure for a couple I guess, but it isn't lasting fun. People aren't in grade school anymore, so have some understanding for eachother basically.
Other than that, your anger issues could come from outside of the game entirely.
- Maybe you have genderdysphoria or some personality disorder like symptoms and people simply don't deal with it on the same level as you. That disconnect can generate this sense of unfairness, and the lack of care from them also shows up (but you know why in this case, because they have no clue).
- Maybe you have ADHD and they don't, and you have trouble focussing on anything and constantly get distracted, which you find unfair; it causes anger, depression.
- Maybe you, recently suffered dear loss, and this traumatized you causing the issues.
just naming examples. (yeah just naming some of the common ones, not all... because I don't want to generate wild ideas.)
Maybe its communication, and you're saying stuff and people think things entirely different things from what you said and react to those assumptions instead. (slippery slope / strawman) -- it's also a form of lack of care from them I guess.
Anyway if you figure out what the cause is, you will be able to tell if it is the video games or some other stressor.
I mean, I suffer from high functioning autism, but given how others tend to use it as a crutch or a shield, it gives it a really bad name. I don't like talking about my mental disabilities for that reason a lot of the time.
It is unnatural and your brain knows.
However anger doesn't really appear on its own, even with people that suffer from autism. There is something driving the anger to appear in the first place. That it becomes severe could be caused by the developmental disorder yes, but I mean it needs a root.
summarized; I don't think autism is the root reason you end up lashing out. It can however be a factor that makes you more easily lash out.
Edit:
One other note. You train your own brain.
Reinforcement.
By lashing out and becoming angry a lot, then rewarding that anger by generating more impulses that cause dopamine (for example, lashing out your anger onto others, enemies in game or objects) you train your brain to become angry and lash out more easily as well.
You can unlearn this by not rewarding your anger with things that 'feel good' and 'feel powerful'. Try to calm down and breathe when you notice anger...
or just take a break by standing up and walk a bit or drink water.
I know for a fact that I seem to equate my self-worth with avoiding losses or setbacks or failure of any kind, and any sort of percieved failure or loss is something my brain sees as "intolerable" or "unacceptable".
It likely that could be part of it, not saying its a crutch or anything at all but it does play into the equation. I think Elucidator's advice is pretty solid, figuring out the why might help answer how to fix it.
Do you play with the same group of people all the time or do you have other groups? What kind of games do you usually play? Do you have similar goals when you play (for example maybe one person is really looking to progress the game and do well while someone else is perfectly fine just ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ around and intentionally getting in the way for their own amusement).
Maybe its the type of game you're playing, I had a similar experience with team based competitive games like League of Legends and Overwatch because the outcome of the match ultimately felt very much out of my control. Either I'd be the weakest link just due to a bad matchup or just being outmatched, or I'd end up being unable to carry an entire team on my back because that one hypercarry got fed or that one player on the other team just was miles above the rest of us on the other team. I started drifting away from those games once I realized it was the type of game that was the problem. I still dabble in them here and there on rare occasion but usually drift more towards either PvE style games or asymetric games that are less about being competative and more just about scaring the ♥♥♥♥ out of your buddies while playing as the monster and you don't really 'get' anything if you win or lose.
This is definitely NOT it. I was wondering why my local grocery store was out of aluminum foil.
That definitely could be a big part of it then, especially if the games you're playing are team based and your friends are all on a team vs a bunch of randos. I'd say maybe try shifting gears in terms of game types, try some more casual PvE style games where either the punishment for losing or dying is minimal with a bit more of a focus on exploration (Palworld funny enough is great for this, especially with the right world settings so you dont lose inventory on death), or games where you're just fully expected to die and it's just kind of par for the course (Barony for example, a multiplayer roguelike where due to just hilarious dumb luck I've seen friends die in the first 10 seconds from an unfortunate elite enemy spawn close to the start. Thankfully everyone revives after reaching the next floor of a dungeon). One option kind of minimizes the weight of failure. If you die, ok, you just respawn at base and change up your tactics and get better prepared or explore a different area instead. The other option has failure and dying as so much of a norm that it desensitizes you to that sting and feeling of inadequacy... and considering the game legit has the equivalent of the "boulders fall and everyone dies" meme with their boulder traps... yea it does a good job of making dying more of a funny learning experience rather than something to get upset over. Lastly, Lethal Company kind of combines both these aspects, where death isn't a huge punishment for the most part, and the game is focused on exploring and survival while grabbing as much random junk from a dungeon as you can rather than some overarching 'win' state.
That would do it. Fromsoft PVP is the definition of tilt.
Hm... this may sound rediculous, but try roguelikes or hardcore games. I'll post a couple.
It can even be minecraft on hardcore, if you have that.
Or maybe board games or card games
The thing is, you need to "feel" that losing is... not just fine. it's warm. Its welcome. In a lot of cases it 'creates fun'.
That sounds weird, but in a lot of cases, winning is far more boring in a game than losing. Winning just means 'that's it'. 'there is nothing left for you to challenge or try to improve upon.' or at least its 'good enough that others can no longer win'. Its very stale.
Mistakes are human, well more than human. They're soul basically. Mistakes drive life.
Considering your selfworth gets shattered, I guess that means in your environment mistakes weren't welcomed nor appreciated. I am guessing you got bullied for being slower or left behind, and left alone as such. All I can say is that that is well... ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up basically.
People are unreplacable, but apparently they haven't learned that. Watching someone do their best is a more valuable experience than watching someone 'be' the best. In fact, watching someone try is often more excitingg than watching someone 'be' the best.
The only one who can judge what you find acceptable or not when making mistakes is you. Is it a fair judgement though? Was it a mistake, or was it lack of control?
Anger can often lead to lack of awareness and a lack of control as well.
not to mention a lack of empathy for others.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ someone else who knows about 100%OJ. Solid freaking game, a bit luck based but that might be a good thing in this case since you can brush off losses to poor dice rolls at times (seriously have had games stolen at the last second due to an absurd string of poor luck with the dice).
If you and your friends like horror stuff, Phasmophobia and games like it (Devour, Forewarned, etc) could also be great options.
What you're describing is textbook depression. It's not surprising because society is pretty depressing these days.