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I am adamantly opposed to bringing out the "git gud" dismissal of someone's concerns, but these specific complaints are emblematic of a certain point at learning the fight.
"Ornstein will begin an attack before you've even fully entered the arena, either shooting a lightning projectile that lines up nicely with other attacks in a way that perfectly utilises the slowness of the projectile to catch you after your rolling i-frames end, or flying over to you in a split-second and testing your reflexes with an instant stabbing attack."
-You can react to both, and it only takes one or two attempts before you should catch on ornstein is always going to open the fight with something. This is actually a good thing for you more often than not since, assuming ornstein charges, it separates ornstein from smough early and allows you to get some hits in.
"Meanwhile, Smough will be walking up to you at a slower, yet consistent pace, constantly demanding your attention and making sure you don't punish Ornstein during his openings by pulling out one of his many monotonous, irksome hammer attacks that do absurd damage and can roll-catch you if you slip up even slightly"
-Ignoring the obvious answer of kiting him around pillars so you can slap ornstein which is the gameplan the entire game is designed around (and one I personally tend to ignore in place of a faster strat), smough's hammer swings are comically slow and aren't really that bad in terms of lingering hitboxes outside of le funny charge. You can roll through his hammer swings and he'll be docile for a few seconds after, meaning you can then pay attention to and punish ornstein during that time.
"Ornstein winds up his anime dash-attack whilst behind Smough, as this will result in him getting stuck, looking stupid, but eventually zooming out at a random moment to test your reflexes. Again.:
-No comment here, this attack is buggy as ♥♥♥♥ and I really do wish it wasn't in the game, so yeah pretty fair criticism.
"Another annoying thing these bosses do is quickstepping to the side, which often results in you not being able to keep tabs on both Ornstein and Smough at once, as they will be on either side of you, simultaneously winding up attacks. "
-Just like what I said with the pillars, you need to position yourself well. This entire fight is a contest in positioning so that you can not only keep track of and avoid but also take advantage of the limited openings the duo provides. If you stay around the midrange where you can make smough do his slower hammer swings and not his charge, and also react to whatever openings ornstein provides, you'll be at a range where you can still see both of them when they hop around. This is the game's way of telling you to back up and keep some distance for this fight.
"what with four-directional rolling, the slow pace and janky animations being antiquated and boring"
-Don't lock on during boss fights, you can roll whatever direction you want then and it's easier to keep track of bosses when they jump around like with what you said earlier. You will feel like a god when you get used to it.
Lets be honest most other bosses up to that point are fairly easy.
True that. I just wish the boss difficulty would be more consistent, as having Ornstein and Smough, the wall of a bossfight that they are, following right after the IRON GOLEM is a bit of a jump, especially for a new player like me.
Thanks for the advice man, people like you keep my faith in the Fromsoft community alive. Not gatekeeping me, not telling me to 'git gud' or just to use a different build, just giving me honest and clear advice, and taking the time to read and analyse the sea of text I wrote in a fit of anger (there's always somebody who makes a comment on the length of my posts instead of just ignoring them). I hope you have a nice day.
But yet\s, it may make someone play differently than previously.
Git Gud!