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This is also something I experience with all kings: whenever they take a city in a war, they hold a feast instead of defending it.. If this was on easy campaign AI it would be okay, but...
As for the army bug, I've seen that in vanilla. If you have a quest to complete for a noble, and then that quest becomes unfulfilable, the noble becomes indestructible. Even if they have no kingdom, no army, no friends, and nowhere to go, they still hang around.
I'm just getting started in this game (less than a month) and I've already seen this sort of thing happen multiple times. Thus far, it has mostly occurred with nobles in dungeons who cannot be released, nobles whose quests I've failed due to capture, and some random NPCs who won't disappear (kidnapped girl) who become permanent additions to my party because the town that made the quest changed hands.
I blame it on the programming, Somebody missed a few IF-THEN variables somewhere along the line and as such certain variables are not resolved. Your game might crash if it creates an insoluable variable, for instance if it decides that the aforementioned error gives you anything less than right to rule, but I don't see that happening as female characters are largely irrelevant.
I may be wrong, I'm not familiar with joint rule yet, but I'm willing to bet its as simple as your wife becoming irrelevant to the game.
Normally I doubt such a thing would be possible, but then in the world of M&B, all sorts of strange things are bound to happen. The problem with sandboxes in a nutshell, really: ♥♥♥♥ gets weird the longer you play.
Alexander the Great Necromancer