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Basically, you can marry any unmarried lord that doesn't have an upstanding or martial personality (kind of unfortunate as they're the two best personalities, IMO) after you build your relations up with them (seems to vary with different personalities, 20 should be a safe minimum though some will accept sooner).
had to wipe out the nords for him to pop up too lol
No, you can't.
No need to raise relationship to 100, as far as I remember 20 is enough.
What if you're a single warrior queen?
Or better the single warrior empress of Calradia... XD