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Personally I don't even bother with Lord's. I train a few companions up and make them my generals. Don't need more than 4 or 5 to take over the whole map.
Some mods prevent it. But most likely you have to start a new playthrough, since your old save file is probably not compatible with the mod.
What is the mod called?
But I suspect that it is a common feature so you might find the problem fixed in most mods. Give Diplomacy a try, it is very close to the normal game as it just adds some quality of life features and fixes some issues.
Well, rather, I should say that you should only give castles or cities to those lords.
They'll pretty much stick with you through think or thin.
If you need some vassals to pad your numbers, and only the other 5 personalities are around, give them villages to "rent" their service, as they do not take villages with them when they, inevitably, leave.