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I did pretty much this exact build..female and everything. Eventually I did the claimant mission for sarranids and won that, then left the sarranids and did the claimant for swadia.
Then I left swadia and started my own, attacking the khergits. I instantly had two allies with swadia and sarranids who loved me.
Then once it was down to 3 of us left, I went to war with both sarranids and swadia.
I basically won both wars in about 4 sieges, because all the Lord's were my old homies, I just convinced them with persuasion to join me with their fiefs and everything. Had very minimal fighting I had to do at that point.
Early game is a bit of a grind, but really not bad because women get renown quicker. You just can't solo a bunch of sea raiders at the beginning unless you're doing horse archery.
Dresses only? While you can say, a lady is not allowed to don improper clothings, such culture would also not allow a lady to hold any weapons nor horseride. Surely, any lady given such permission is allowed the minimum of basic traveling/adventure/combat clothing purposes.
I was thinking along the lines that comanding would be tolerated, or rather giving the men advise from on top of a hill overlooking the battle.
The vanilla game doesn't quite let just tag along with a male commander, so gotta have to make some gameplay sacrifices.
Not to mention that would take away a bit too much control, seeing the AI in this game isn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box.