Not even going to make some ♥♥♥♥♥♥ joke about this one.

Don't buy it. It's another one of these "joke simulators xDDD" games that only bring hatred. hatred for the fact that these games get good reviews as jokes. They then rise to the top, and then youtubers will play them and laugh at literally nothing. Then they make money for half-assing a game.

People say video games were better back then, and sometimes due to games like this I want to agree. There was no market for ♥♥♥♥ like this back then.

There's no joke, no punchline, no anything. Don't buy this garbage. Why don't these joke games actually make a joke while making an actual enjoyable video game?

Wow. All I can say is wow.

I should just say this game is a horrific piece of garbage and end it there, but no, I'm gonna do my job and tell you why you should stay as far away from this terrible game.

In Gabe Newell Simulator we play as Gabe Newell (DUH). We finally decide to release Half Life 3 and aliens take it away, so it's up to us to get it back.

Apart from the JPEG screenshot of the game story at the start of the game and the final level, there is no dialogue whatsoever. The graphics in the game are some of the worst graphics I have ever seen. All of it is just slapped up unity assets and that's it. The game has massive texture pop ins and sometimes the entire level disappears.

The gameplay is probably one of the worst third person shooters I have ever seen. You have an option of 4 guns which all do pretty much the same damage expect for the UMP which does basically nothing. You can't fire from your hip so you have to aim down sights. Gaben controls like a tank and every movement you make is clunky and unresponsive.

There is no sound effects what so ever. There is one song in Level 4 and gun sounds, but apart from that it's dead silence, so be prepared to be alone with your inner thoughts when you play this game.

The game has 6 levels in total and two endings, but you can see the alternative ending in the level select screen so you don't have to replay the game twice. To complete the entire game it took me 40 minutes and there is no replay value whatsoever so don't expect anything after the first playthrough.

In the end I can safely say Gabe Newell Simulator is the worst game I have played in my entire life and yes it tops my previous contender Slaughtering Grounds. This game is an abomination and proves the fact that there is no quality control in Greenlight. Stay far away from this garbage.

Final Rating:
1/10 - Horrific

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Yes, Gabe Newell Simulator is in Early Access. So bugs are expected. But the problems with Gabe Newell Simulator go far beyond what could be excused by it being in Early Access.

The image for this game alone sums up pretty well all the problems with this game. The entire games quality is poor. No quality control whatsoever.

Here's all the issues:

- Full-screen doesn't work. It changes were the cursor clicks by around 2 inches.
- The menu for the game looks like it was created within 3 minutes.
- The controls/how to play section was literally made in paint.
- Level menu lets you skip levels even when you've never played/completed them.
- Level menu constantly doesn't show levels.
- Text in the cut-scenes look like they've been made in Windows Movie Maker.
- The game is laggy and badly optimised, no matter the computer or graphic settings you used.
- Level layouts are very bare-bones and simple.
- The AI are so unresponsive you can run straight by them and complete each and every level.
- There's no audio in the entire game except the starting cut-scene and gun sounds.

TLDR;

Game is broken in full-screen. Game is sluggish. Menu is bare-bones. Cut-screen text is unreadable. Gameplay is mostly unresponsive and irritating. No quality control. Game can't hold your attention at all.

Thank Gaben for Steam Refunds.

Greenlight was a mistake

This is the reason why Steam is getting rid of Greenlight.

I really wanted this to be good, but it sucked.

> It was poorly made in Unity
> It was "65-70% Done" when I played it
> Its a buggy Incomplete Mess

This isn't worth $7

This is a legitimatley bad game. Do NOT buy. It's just a cash grab trying to cash in on Gabe Newell's name.

Got game, played it, its ♥♥♥♥
Refunded, use 1.99 to buy CS:GO Key
Open case
Get gun worth £13
Gabe Newell Simulator just made me £11 profit
10/10 would profit again.

Joke game only to be bought at a joke price, 3 cents sounds about right.

This game is so bad, that I consider quitting my job as a game developer.