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Obviously non-canon, but the best explanation I can come up with.
Respawning at a bench is literally respawning. The golem rebuilds itself at the last "safe" location though Soul powers, but is incomplete. Thus you need to go and find the shade again, and recapture it.
Why dying without gettnig the shade back spawns a new shade despite not having one in you... I don't think they thought that far. Or maybe the Abyss remakes the golem, and the reminents of it inside the golem form into a new shade.
It never explains respawning on the benches tho.
This sounds the closest to what I would've imagined, though I might see the Void as having a will without actually being conscious. Personally, I think that vessels have some individual consciousness and freedom, based on the player's actions (not to mention Hornet's dialogue, though it seems to me that she may have been made differently than the vessels). The shade itself makes some sense as an incomplete component of yourself, but I don't really like to imagine the respawning as canon. The bosses waiting around while I die tens or hundreds of times over the course of the game strains credibility a bit too much for me. Kind of hurts the story if I'm incompetent but immortal.
The benches work as a mechanic, but in the context of the story, any explanation for respawning at them strikes me as slightly lame. So I'd rather just ignore that part.
Maybe when you respawn, you are actually a different vessel entirely. You head to where your dead sibling bought it and absorb him, gaining power in the process. Not that I actually want to imagine it that way...