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If your friend is playing on playstation, xbox, or microsoft store's pc version of the game(ie not steam or epic) then he cant play with you.
Also if he's on epic, he can only play on dedicated servers, no mod use, and the server has to have the -crossplay setting enabled.
As for finding his server otherwise, the in game search system tends to not comprehensively list all servers. If he's on your steam friends list try connecting that way or using the battlemetrics website's server list system as its the only place that comprehensively lists all 50k+ servers.
For connecting to servers using Steam:
Full thread with this: https://steamcommunity.com/app/346110/discussions/0/4036978698793696563/
Its been known for years that epic players can't play with servers with mods because as Alessio stated, Epic players do not have access to the Steam workshop for mods. You've been playing the game for years and posting in these forums so its a bit peculiar that you've not noticed that.
This is also why Playstation, Xbox/Microsoftstore, folks cant play with mods either on Ark Survival Evolved.
Semi unrelated, but its one of (main being monetization) that Snail-Wildcard shifted to a 3rd party website for mods (Overwolf) for the Ark Ascended game since all platforms can use mods.
Again Wildcard/snail gave the conditions for playing between Epic and Steam folks. Take up the whys and why nots with them. Again this isnt something new and has been an established requirement for many years now.
Since you seem reticent to take years of folks on here speaking to this, you can refer to the Ark Community Crunch news letter(225) from Wildcard here:
https://survivetheark.com/index.php?/articles.html/community-crunch-225-crystal-isles-anniversary-event-epic-games-store-and-more-r1569/
Scroll down until you see the very big Epic emblem......
Or you can just read here since I'll copy paste it all for you:
That said, OP hasn't even indicated whether that's a potential source/cause for their issue either but if it is, then it should be pretty clear for the both of you now.
Not again, this is first time mentioned.
The other post says because don't have access to Steam Workshop, which is false, you can easily log in there while logged into Epic Launcher.
Just like the mods can be downloaded from server etc.
I am not saying this means crossplay works with mods, I am just saying the reason you give is invalid.
Now the rest of the latest post start getting closer to a reason it won't work, however it is 3 years old but "Modding will not be supported at launch but we fully intend to have modding support enabled when the Epic Games Store supports it. For now, any servers that are set up to use mods will not display in the EGS version of ARK."
Pretty much is all of both your posts that is information. Outdated, but at least explain why it wouldn't work, if it doesn't work.
1. Has it explained to them the conditions required for Epic/Steam to play together that has existed for years.... and by more than one person in this thread and refutes it.
2. Has an official statement regarding it cited to them, because they refuse to believe it(so yes.... that means again).
3. Yet, they still continue to cast doubt on it because it doesnt fit their narrative wants, even though, again, this has been the case since it that announcement.
4. Is incapable of providing any factual evidence to support their inane, continued, refuting of this information and instead just going off their feelings to the contrary.
5. And yes again, the OP hasn't checked back in to let us know even whether this is all of any relevance to their specific situation.
All in all then I think the evidence is rather compelling at this point, for what ever reason, that you're being a bit silly.
As for everything else, not going to bother read more of it.