What's that, is it Spring again already? I guess it's time to update Ninja Pizza Girl!

Thanks to the extremely patient and helpful Ninja pIzza Girl players we have identified and patched the following problems.

• Game now works properly with V-sync off
  
• Incredibly weird and rare crash bug that only appears on certain hardware configurations might possibly be fixed maybe
  
• Gemma can no longer get stuck in her standing animation while sliding
  
• The tutorial for "Swooshy Things" now plays
  
• Linux graphics drivers updated

If you have any issues with the new build or you've found new and interesting bugs, please complain about them on the forums loudly and I will address them as soon as I'm able.

Thank you very, very much for playing Ninja Pizza Girl and being such an awesome bunch of people.

--------------------------------------------- 0 ----------------------------------------------
You enter the Ninja Pizza Girl community page and see a new developer update. Although it sits in an area enshrouded by dust, the announcement itself is shiny and new. Do you...

Angrily yell at the announcement, demanding to know what took it so long. - Go to #1

Taking care not to scare it away, approach carefully and examine its contents - Go to #2

You're a busy internet user and don't have time for this sh#t. You skip to the end. - Skip to the end.

--------------------------------------------- 1 ----------------------------------------------
"We're sorry! We're sorry!" it shrieks, flapping around the room frantically. "We know about the awful RESPECT lag. We know about all the bugs. It shames us. It SHAMES us." The update huddles in the corner trembling. You see it struggle with fear and dreadful knowledge. "But it wasn't our fault! It was..."

Grab the update as it writhes in your grasp and angrily demand, "Who? Whose fault was this!?" - go to #3

Fleeing the room before you can hear it's dark secret, you boot up Ninja Pizza Girl and enjoy it's bug-free gameplay and improved performance. - Stop reading. Go play Ninja Pizza Girl

--------------------------------------------- 2 ----------------------------------------------
The update seems embarrassed. It looks up at you with tired eyes. "We tried." It says. "We tried during the holidays. We wanted to start the new year all shiny and new. But it was too soon. Too soon."

You pat the update in a comforting way.

"It's better now though, " it says. "The RESPECT lag is all gone. There's no more LoserTown speedrun glitch. It's all good."

The update sighs and slowly closes it's eyes before suddenly snapping alert with newfound fear. "At least, " it breathes, "we hope it's all good..."

Go play Ninja Pizza Girl. Please let us know if it's all good!

--------------------------------------------- 3 ----------------------------------------------
The update struggles in your grip. "NO!" it protests, "We must never say. It is not... it is not PROFESSIONAL."

But with your thumbs strengthened by years of gaming, you do not relent in your shaking and twisting. "Tell me!", you demand.

The update relents, broken by your iron grip. "It was... UNITYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!"

The update's dying scream tears it asunder into fragments of bug fix numbers and TODO lists. You nod grimly, your suspicions confirmed. This is not the first indie developer you've seen betrayed by their middleware and you're sure it won't be the last.

Play Ninja Pizza Girl, making sure to report any weird bugs or slowdowns which you're now positive are all Unity's fault.

--------------------------------------------- The End ----------------------------------------------
Hello! This is the long-delayed bug update that addresses the horrible lag in RESPECT and a number of other bugs. We tried to release this patch back before the holidays but had to roll-back due to an overwhelming number of bugs in the latest Unity release. We think things have all stabilised now but if you notice in any decrease in performance or other weirdness, please let us know.

IMPORTANT SPEEDRUNNER ANNOUNCEMENT

Can all the hardcore speedrunners (you know who you are) please let us know if times are slower on any levels in the latest patch. If times are the same or faster, we'll leave the leaderboards alone but if they're slower than we'll do a full reset.

The times seem to be fairly equivalent but frankly none of us are as good as you guys.

It looks like Valve aren't the only people having a dodgy holiday time as many users have reported problems with our latest update. We've rolled back to the previous version for now until we can get everything sorted.

We are very sorry and hope you have a Happy Holiday.

Happy Holidays Ninja Pizza Girl fans!

We recently hired a new science team* here at Disparity HQ who have been busy tearing apart Ninja Pizza Girl and subjecting it to a thorough and potentially completely unnecessary engine upgrade. They’ve been so successful that after months of time-consuming and exceedingly costly work - there is almost no discernable difference to the game whatsoever.

Before firing the scientists out of a cannon and into the sun, we asked them nicely to write some patch notes. Behold the glory of their incredibly overpriced minor improvements -

• Ninja Pizza Girl is now 1835% more processor efficient resulting in the reduction of lag from the infamous R-E-S-P-E-C-T chapter. In addition the game will not get progressively slower with continued playing.
  
  
• Gemma’s physics system has been completely upgraded resulting in more consistent behaviour, particularly when bouncing on trampolines.
  
  
• There is a new “none” control fallback option for people with custom input solutions who would prefer our auto-controller-detection system to kindly shut up and stay out of their way.
  
  
• For reasons far too complex to be described adequately with the vulgarity of speech, every level has been relit from scratch. They look very slightly nicer now.
  
  
• A strange girl temporarily interrupted our coding efforts to replace the final panel in the Loser Town comic. She said it looks much better now. We didn’t care.

I think they may have also improved the game in other bug-fixy ways but I was too busy assaulting them with a chloroform-soaked rag to listen.

I do believe that they made every effort to preserve the timings of each level but we would appreciate all the speedrunners out there to let us know. If level times are the same, or faster - that’s fine. However, if any levels times are now slower, let us know so that we may perform the dreaded LEADERBOARD RESET to get everyone back on a level playing field.

*A new fictitious science team. We couldn’t afford a real one.

After much installing, testing and very mild profanity ("Flip it!") we have a solution for users running the game on Windows 10 using XBox One controllers.

If you navigate to Options -> Controls (using the keyboard or mouse as your controller doesn't work) there's now a handy toggle that fixes the issue. We were going to have Ninja Pizza Girl try to auto-detect and auto-fix the issue but realised that this might interfere with the more creative solutions that some of our players have already implemented.

If you're Japanese and like to read patch notes in English - this announcement is for you! We have implemented Japanese builds for Ninja Pizza Girl. Just right click on Ninja Pizza Girl in your library, go to properties, languages and select either Japanese or English.

If while playing the game in Japanese you find any scenes offensive or jokes not funny, that's probably a translation error... probably.

Due to the hectic nature of launch week we've been a bit slack with the patch notes. So join us on a journey into the very near past as we recap our first week of patch notes.

Hooray! We have a day one patch. We're AAA now!

• tweaked volumes on a number of environmental sounds due to the fact that sound FX were only added two days before launch don't type that where people can read it WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
  
• The animated loading indicator has a few stray pixels. We removed them like the professionals we are.

We fixed some things in this patch. No-one can remember what. We should probably write these things down.

Many small bug fixes thanks to the amazing bug-hunting and reporting abilities of our players. Thanks guys!

• Infinite knock over bug fixed. Gemma can no longer get stuck banging her head on something when she gets up.
  
• Time trial times are no longer rounded incorrectly.
  
• Gamepad UI navigation is much nicer now. The selection is no longer irresistibly drawn to the back button.
  
• Some errant pixels on the loading indicator weren't cleaned up but I'm positive I got them all this time.

Currently working on -

• XBox One controllers don't work correctly under Windows 10. Thank you very much for your patience, we should have a fix for you in the next day or two, In the meantime, consider writing an angry letter to Microsoft.
  
• THERE ARE STILL WEIRD PIXELS IN THE LOADING INDICATOR WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THAT THING??!!!

Time to put some pants on! Ninja Pizza Girl HAS BEEN DELIVERED.

A supreme platformer with a deep-dish message, now's the time to take advantage of our release discount and grab your copies while they're hot.

The Disparity team are excited to confirm the full release date for Ninja Pizza Girl is Wednesday 30th September!

We'll be releasing the final Early Access update moments before flipping the switch so stay tuned for an amazing upgrade to your Ninja Pizza Girl experience featuring upgraded visuals, smoother difficulty, sound FX and even a proper ending!

It’s been a long time. Days have turned to weeks and weeks, months. Through the lengthening distance of time, you try to hold on to fading memories of patch notes, the heady days when release dates seemed so close.

So close.

But now hope dims. There is nothing in the chill darkness but broken dreams. Surely, the dev team has abandoned you. Surely, the project is dead. Their empty promises mock you, taunting you with their naivety. What sort of name is “Ninja Pizza Girl” anyway? How was a game meant to seriously examine social issues and be any kind of fun? Impossible pretensions, long since turned to ash.

But there, in the light, a tiny spark appears. You shuffle towards it, not daring to breathe, not daring to hope. You reach out a shaking hand as the spark bursts into flame, casting stark shadows across the plain. It grows, becoming a pillar of light impossibly large, impossibly bright. You stagger backwards, eyes wide with disbelief and a sudden, overwhelming joy...

The Ninja Pizza Girl update is here!

• Game levels have been looked at under the microscope, put through wringers and generally subjected to a multitude of intensive and sometimes humiliating scrutiny. You'll find level design improvements throughout the entire game from minor to quite substantial.
  
  
• Cool new effects have made their appearance and the game is now splashier, flashier and sparkly-er.
  
  
• Gemma’s mood now persists from level to level. Delivering pizza, particularly in the face of constant harassment, really takes it out of Gemma. Collect the in-game collectables to keep her mood up with cups of tea, chocolate, bubble bath, video games and new outfits. Mmmm, this future dystopia doesn’t sound so bad after all…
  
  
• Unlock codes can be collected to unlock cool art and behind-the-scenes interviews. The unlockables are only just beginning, we have more coming in future updates, including crazy new game modes.
  
  
• Save slots are here! Okay, that doesn’t sound terribly exciting but they were a lot of work and I’m quite proud of them. They also work nicely with your old save data WHICH WASN’T EASY.
  
  
• New cutscenes are here, including an inside look at Pizza MeGaCo and the inscrutable MeGaCo CEO. And no, the final cutscene isn’t done yet. I blame Raven and her misguided dedication to her university studies.
  
  
• After going to see Fury Road we realised that the secret to greatness in narrative design is the overwhelming usage of explosions. So now our final level has explosions. And a helicopter. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Special shoutout to Xalavier Nelson Jr. who provided the excellent interview audio in the unlock section. He’s been temporarily omitted from the credits but has let me fix that later so everyone could get the build earlier and I could get some sleep. Cheers Xalavier!