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That's not to say I haven't seen visually pleasing bases in vanilla, but they're rare, and illogical. If you want spectacle, you'll have to go with mods.
Mods... or violence. Tragedy and chaos is half the fun.
The only thing cozy about the game is the seasons, which also want to kill you.
im assuming there are mods that add ability to make decent looking bases then?
Clanfolk is much more focused on the builder aspect, and doesn't need defenses since it doesn't have the fighting aspect of Rimworld... but you also don't have mods in Clanfolk yet, so if you're looking to add alien waifu breeding (or whatever), then you'd probably want Rimworld with the difficulty turned down.
Clanfolk isn't as far along the dev cycle as Rimworld, but the dev has been good so far & it's definitely in a playable state... but I also don't dis-recommend Rimworld, either. (i.e. "Why not both?")
https://store.steampowered.com/app/1700870/Clanfolk/
As for making the game less violent? A little while spent poking around in the custom difficulty and custom scenario windows can make it pretty damned peaceful.