Taking a lesson from Australian history books

[KalkiKrosah]

Unless you are Australian born and raised it isn't common knowledge that most people know about the great Emu war of 1932. The year 1932 was a time of expansion in Australia. After the proceedings of World War I in which the Australians supported their English benefactors in the war, the Australian governent sought to reward their returning soldiers from the great war with land to build a future for themselves. This land was located in the Australian outback and the outback is unforgiving.

Upon this land that the Australian government bequethed to their countrymen was the habitat of the wild emu. The Emu is a native bird to Australia and is characterized by its greedy eyes, it's nefarious beak and its ♥♥♥♥ off attitude. There were over 20,000 of them and they were being a mighty nuisance to the Australian land owners. The Australians were trying to grow wheat to stave off the effects of the great depression when the emus started to ransack their crops. The farmers kindly asked the Emus to go somewhere else, a tactic they picked up from their Canadian war compatriots but that proved ineffective at keeping the emus off their land.

The emus proceeded to be a nuisance to the farmsteaders by eating the wheat, trampling the petunia garden, attacking the family dog and ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ in the kiddie pool. That was the final straw and the farmsteaders implored the government to do something about it. The government response was to enlist its army, commanded by major G.P.W. Meredith, arm it with lewis machine guns and 10,000 rounds of ammunition and grant it permission to "cull the emu population." And this was how the emu war began.

The battle strategy of the Austalian army was to herd the Emus into large groups, set up an ambush and spray the herd down with machine gun fire. The emus, with their cunning and devious minds, anticipated an ambush and rather than amass into one large group the emus decided to use their instinctual knowledge and split into seperate smaller groups. In these smaller groups the emus were harder to target and while the emus did sustain considerable casualties, the Australian army ran low on ammunition and was forced into retreat.

When the Austalians came back to the outback to continue their mission they noticed something different about the emu flocks. The emus had grown wise to the Australian incursion and each small flock elected a leader. While the flock was rampaging the countryside the leader would stand watch over the landscape and warn of any incoming soldiers in the area and the flock would disperse, implementing guerilla tactics to counter the Australian ambushes.

Meredith devised a new battle strategy where the machine guns would be mounted into the bed of moving trucks, but the emus were too fast for the trucks to catch up to the emus in the rough desert landscape and the aim of the guns suffered as a result and once again the Australian army was forced to retreat to go back to their battle stations and devise a new plan to handle the Emu uprising.

In this short reprieve of hostilities, the emu dead were gathered and counted. Emu casualties rose to over 300 dead and as the bodies were being tagged and bagged, the weather of the outback got worse. A drought had spread across the land and food became scarce in the wilds. The emus, heeding their self-preservational instincts, began a more aggressive attack on Australian farmsteads than ever before and the farmers demanded the army resume its actions all at once. Under much civil pressure the army ordered Meredith to hasten his return to the battlefield well ahead of schedule.

Meredith began an aggressive campaign against the emus killing 40 on his first day returning to the battlefield. The war raged on for 3 more weeks with each week of action producing 100 more emu casualties. The emus started to grow wise to this threat and on December 2nd went on the offensive. The emus ran headlong into machine gun fire and chased the Australian forces out of the area. They would not allow the Australian army to get anywhere near them and the Australian Army was forced to retreat once more.

After a humiliating defeat, the Australian army refused to return to the field. Over the war the Australian army amassed 986 kills with another 2,500 kills linked to war related injuries. The Emus, though kill less in the war, retained victory over the land through sheer will power and ingenius tom-♥♥♥♥ery.

Ask any Australian about this great emu war and their Australian guilt will make them deny that the war ever happened. But the history is written by the victors and on this day, the emus were victorious. This little piece of repressed history explains why Emus have a 100% retaliation rate in Rimworld and is a great defense tactic for young colonies. Simply shoot an emu, race behind your walls of security and watch the emu tear apart your enemies with uninhibited bloodlust.

[KalkiKrosah]

Originally posted by dnrob7:

Originally posted by MadMek:

The emus were never satisfied with the territorial concessions made by the australian government. The dust had hardly settled from the first Emu War before they began preparing for the next one. They have been building their strength and analysing australian strategy for the better part of a century. The question is not if they will strike but when, and all the australians, and indeed, the world, can do is hope that we are ready, for if Australia falls, who knows who might be next?

This whole thing is only an issue now because of the death of Steve Irwin. The Emus knew they had no way of defeating him but now that he's out of the way, anything could happen. The one thing we can all take comfort in though is that emus can't swim, and Australia is an island.

But they're already in America. And India. Apparently they farm them. Their global conquest is inevitable at this point.

[dnrob7]

Originally posted by KalkiKrosah:

Originally posted by dnrob7:

This whole thing is only an issue now because of the death of Steve Irwin. The Emus knew they had no way of defeating him but now that he's out of the way, anything could happen. The one thing we can all take comfort in though is that emus can't swim, and Australia is an island.

But they're already in America. And India. Apparently they farm them. Their global conquest is inevitable at this point.

Yes but those Emu's are not radicalised^ They know nothing of the old Australian conflicts.
They are here in England too:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2m3aDCmjwo

[Ren]

Such a well written story, Thanks for the read! I had no idea this ever happened. The world slumbers while the Emu's plan for glory!

[ExoticButts]

Being an Aussie I would like to clarify that there were only 2 human combatants armed with said machine guns.

That being said, we did still lose the war, and actually had the Campion region (where it happened) request more military assistance against the emus in 1934, 1943 and 1948, which was denied. There was a bounty system in place from 1923 though, and as such 57,034 emu bounties were claimed over the course of six months in 1934 (I have no numbers for '43 or '48).

Still hilarious though, and most Aussies probably wouldn't deny it, but either have no clue about it or also think it's hilarious tbh. The denial you'd get would be those who don't know about it calling BS I reckon.