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I looked at the ACU.exe process with a tool called Process Monitor, and I saw what looked like errors with the audio device. So I disconnected my audio interface from my laptop, and now the splash screen doesn't freeze, but closes after a couple of seconds.
I copied the sounddata folder to an external USB drive, and symlinked it from there. Now the game works fine.
I would like to take a minute to just mention how absolutely horrible the tech support at Ubisoft is.
I spoke with multiple people, provided logs, investigated myself, provided more logs, mentioned theories about why I think it might be an issue with the sound folder based on viewing the exe in Procmon, but every time they just say "its bootcamp, its not supported" or "your GPU isn't powerful enough".
They could never tell me what about Bootcamp was causing the issue, and kept giving me straight up false information about how bootcamp works (it's not a virtual environment, its essentially a disk partitioning tool and some driver scripts). They kept repeating this false information and ending the chat.
Even when I told them I had fixed it and asked for help to get it working with the sounddata folder in the right place, they STILL blamed bootcamp and said they couldn't help me.
I am beyond furious with them. Yes it's a frivolous issue to get upset about, it's just a game. But no company should be able to get away with taking people's money and then lying to them about why their product doesn't work, and blaming them for the issues. I'm a petty, entitled white man, but even I deserve to have my problems heard and taken seriously.
The only person who seriously attempted to help me was Ubi-Elite. I'm pretty sure I spoke to everyone else at Ubisoft's support live-chat, and they were the only one who wasn't immediately dismissive of me, and actually listened when I mentioned things I thought could be the issue.
Thank you for taking the time out to share what helped you.
I will now lock this thread since it is an older one.
If ever we can help in the future, just let us know.
- Ubisoft Support