Ah, Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodlines—a game so beautifully twisted, so atmospherically drenched in urban decay and nihilistic charm, that even I, Skeletor, felt right at home amidst the blood, betrayal, and morally questionable nightclubs!

Let’s get this out of the crypt early: I’ve only clocked a handful of hours on Steam, but don’t let that fool you, mortals—I’ve been playing this masterpiece since before some of you learned how to wipe your noses, or worse, before you “discovered” V5 and decided to make Vampire about Twitter arguments and pronoun enforcement instead of ancient monsters eating people in parking lots. NYEHHH!

This game isn’t about flashy combat or polished mechanics. No, Bloodlines is a magnificent dumpster fire of bugs, half-implemented features, and 2004 jank—but it is also a narrative titan. A brooding, broken gem that gleams with personality and world-building most modern games couldn’t summon with all the Vitae in Los Angeles. It oozes style, menace, and that wonderful feeling of playing something that absolutely wasn’t made for mass appeal. It’s flawed. It’s glorious. It’s Vampire, dammit.

The setting? Immaculate. This is what you get when you let monsters be monsters. Politicking, seduction, murder, and eternal torment—all sprinkled with just enough trench coat cringe to remind you that this is World of Darkness, baby. And unlike certain modern versions of the game that shall not be named (but rhyme with “V dive”), it doesn’t stop to ask how everyone feels about their trauma—it just feeds on it.

And to you “modern” fans of V5 who think Hunger Dice and Safe Spaces are what Vampire needed? Begone! You’ve turned a game about existential horror, predation, and moral collapse into a live-action Tumblr argument! You think Bloodlines 2 should be about vampires “navigating gender dynamics”? No! It should be about frenzied Nosferatu ripping people in half under neon lights while the Toreador cries blood tears to Bauhaus. This isn’t your cozy little community LARP. This is unlife—and unlife is ugly, unforgiving, and beautifully dark. Like me. NYEHHH!

Now, listen carefully, neonates: if you want to play this game—and you should—you’ll need the Unofficial Patch. Go find it. Hunt it like a Sabbat war party. The game without mods is like a thin-blood without Disciplines: tragic, broken, and only half the experience. The community kept this ancient relic alive for decades, before it was trendy. Not the TikTok Vamps. The real ones. The ones who wore sunglasses at night and didn’t talk about their “safe feeding boundaries.”

Final Verdict: 💀💀💀💀⬛ (4 out of 5 Skulls)
A haunting, chaotic, magnificent mess of a game. The bugs are plentiful, the combat is nonsense, but the soul—the blood-soaked, seductive, decadent soul—is unlike anything else. If you love Vampire for what it should be, Bloodlines is eternal. If you don’t? Please go play something with more dialogue choices about feelings and less about consuming humanity to cling to your fading moral code.

And now, I return to the shadows—my haven awaits. May your Humanity stay intact, unless you’re V5 fans… in which case, I hope you botch every rouse check forever! NYEHHH!

This may not be an unpopular opinion but I wanted to ♥♥♥♥ Jeanette.
Jeanette best girl

A flawed masterpiece, this was unlike any other RPG I've played. Well worth the bugs, modding, and general clunkyness.