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Yeah elective, my vassals always voted for my first son though.
The problem with elective gavelkind is that upon succession it can create new kingdom titles for your sons, which means your realm wont stay intact. That doesn't happen with normal Gavelkind.
in the long run, it's best to have only 1 top tier title (1 kingdom or 1 empire) so it won't split your realm on succession and to pick a nice large captial duchy as your demesne which is (mostly) safe from being butchered and have some additional demesne counties outside the capital which will be handed to your surplus kids on succession (ie. you have to revoke or conquer some new extra counties afterwards to prepare for the next succession).
you can also hand out titles to spare sons before you die. sons that already received land while you still live will not necessarily get even more land from the succession. if you already gave each spare son a newly conquered duchy for example, then chances are that the succession law will not even touch your demesne at all and may even allow you to keep multiple kingdoms.
the worst time for gavelkind law is the transition from 1 kingdom to 1 empire, since it's hard to make that switch without holding multiple kingdoms for a while. if succession happens at that stage, it sucks. but once you have your empire title, it's really not that bad since the split will be an internal affair that won't release your hard earned kingdom titles into independence automatically.
Strangely the second only wants for one kingdom title (I have two, created empire of scandinavia) and one duchy title, as long as I only hold two duchies + empire and two kingdoms.
Going to try to create another kingdom title (Ireland) because I'd rather have him set up there, I am guessing that once that happens he might want for more because I'd have 3 kingdom titles in total.
Giving away your land to your sons beforehand until the "titles lost on succession" is gone seems like the best approach.
This is a screenshot of one of my games. I put numbers next to the lands held by the sons (2 = 2nd son, 3 = 3rd son, etc). I don't remember why I gave the kingdom of Denmark to the 4th son outright, but it did not split off because of succession.
I don't have the specifics in mind and they changd how it functions many times, however what I do is that when I have revolts, I systematically revoke titles and hand them out to sons. Succession gets updated ingame quickly after each time I assign new titles so I know what I will keep and what I will lose. I think that primary duchy (duchy of your capital) SHOULD go to your main heir if there are enough lands for a decently fair split., and the game tries to keep titles together (so if you hand out a county in a duchy you own, then it will designate that heir to inherit the duchy in which it has the county).
Anyway, just keep feeding, at some point your main duchy will be fully inherited by your primary heir. You can have two strategies for the rest of your duchies: either you keep dummy duchies, in essence you don't care which duchy it is because you will lose it, so you don't invest in it, you just get one through revocation at some point. The other way is to hand out a real duchy that you develop to your main heir, though you will need to feed more to other sons and you risk losing the duchy if your heir dies before you.
Lastly, don't be affraid to REVOKE. Since you have claims on inheritance on titles lost, you take no tyranny for it. If you manage well your powerbase, your main heir will always be the strongest, so even in situations where I end up with 3 kingdoms and 3 or more heirs but no empire, I can still easily get it all back in a few years in two wars. I just keep the best duchy in the best kingdom for main heir, then have an easy war with weakest heir for its kingdom, and then I have two kingdoms to fight a single one, so yet another easy war. Ofc always keep a small war chest before dying for emergency mercs and you're set.
retinue is more of a feudal thing, though. i think tribals can also have one (not sure), but the max size of the retinue is based on the number of holdings in the realm and for tribals that number is much lower (usually only 1 tribe per province + occasionally also a single temple).
and you can always plot to revoke counties in your capital duchy. may result in a revolt war, but you won't get tyranny for that action and if others join the revolting brother, you get to revoke some of their stuff for free after you crushed the revolt, too (since they are traitors and sit in your dungeon).