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Of course, everybody is different. In terms of defense, i'd say all you need is enough not to get one shot. Mistakes are abound to happen so you at least need enough not to die because you messed up on a roll so you can recoup and keep going with the fight.
Have you tried without to see the difference?
It s 2 different mentalities that apply to lots of things, from sports to actual war. There isn t a best way, there s only the one that works best for you.
Remember that both Italy and Brazil used to be the 2 best football teams in the world but used these exact 2 opposite approaches and both had some pretty good results.
Try for yourself with increasingly more powerful/aggressive enemies (the hard they are the better will pretty quickly which works better for you.
Personally I'd say a good shield is the most important part of your defense, twohanding a shield even gets you the strongest poise damage in the game if you can deal with the infinitesimal range.
Other fun tools: Endure halves damage and grants hyperarmor and can be useful for unga bunga tactics and the Ritual Shield Talisman essentially grants you +30% to all defenses as long as you can heal to max with one healing flask.
Gino Machino tested this and it is quite impressive how tanky he could become.
Check this out:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzEz6bDHJvY
The goal should still be to avoid taking hits as much as possible, but having a high damage reduction helps a lot when you are learning the timings of a boss for example.
This is especially true if you are not a fan of summoning a spirit, since the agression would be on you the whole time.
If you stack the damage reduction, you can go from 2-4 hits being deadly to 5-10, even surviving attacks that otherwise would one-shot you.
You still need to deal enough damage to end the boss to beat it, but not taking as much damage is not necessarily bad for those that are not that good at dodging.
high damage is important to ends fights fast, however, since you will usually take chip damage during the fight, so you need to find the right balance for your skill and play style
Talismans and the tools tmg mentioned absolutely make a difference. If you're not going full tank then you want just enough mitigation so that you can recover from your inevitable mis-steps.
For example, in the puppet lion fight, if there's one specific attack of a certain type that you are struggling with, alter your build to reflect that. I really struggled at first with the zappy zappy so I added talismans and food buffs that helped to mitigate the zappy zappy.