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I always carry a Blue Ridge Branding Iron with extra flamer as backup. It's like a fast Shishkebab and takes a while to break. Good for one hitting weak enemies and beating up tougher adversaries by keeping them constantly staggered.
And the only one that requires ammo.
i do like it with the "axe"-like mod.
I renamed it "♥♥♥♥♥ Puncher". It hits HARD and staggers often so whatever I hit needs to "SIT DOWN".
I think this weapon falls under Unarmed and there aren't a lot of Unarmed Perks.
I've tried Melee only but it's not a good build for me in any game.
Most effective melee weapons (for me) was the power fist (this was before the pitt update). The bear arm is reportedly good but it took too large of a portion of my view screen so I did not use it. I really enjoyed using the baseball bat (but the batting sound is not all that good) and grognak's axe.
Legendary wise, my power fist was vamp and 25% faster hit rate if I remember correctly. I'm very lazy IRL so not having to micromanage health was more convenient to me than higher damage. Keeping my finger pressed on the left mouse button for 1 or 2 more hits is more convenient than having to lift my hand and press the stimpak hotkey (told ya I was lazy!).
Weapon hitting sound is really important to me and plays a not so insignificant role in my weapon choice.
I've never had it but from what I've read I don't know if you can solo a radroach with it.
(I know your post was joking.)
My big fear is them nerfing vamps to "balance" auto instead of reducing the prefix effect on specifically auto weapons. It's already most viable with faster hitting weapons but it's in danger of becoming useless on anything but super-fast fire rate weapons.
It only does 1 DMG.
Rotary is well covered and IMO boring and not fun to play (staggers and AP usage). Swing melee is far more dynamic and skill based.
For starters swing melee can use blocking effectively whereas rotary is hampered by blocking. Learning how and when to block is highly useful, though you'll hear many ignore this part of the play style.
Next is the weapons. This is where it falls flat. The newer weapons in the Plasma Cutter and War Glaive can set mobs on fire. Older weapons such as the Shiskabob cannot despite being a fire based weapon.
This is important because those effects can be spread via the legendary Hack and Slash perk. So can bleed but that is only a factor for one weapon in the Head Hunter.
Then there are the bugs... any melee with an elemental or energy mod will do more damage than it should due to some bug with resistances. This pushes the Plasma Cutter and War Glaive further to the front as they do high levels of those damage types.
And last is the Friendly Fire perk interaction. Whereas rotary melee can have fire mods they are far more awkward to use for healing assignments. If you care about healing at events with NPCs it is far easier to hit them. Combine that with the aforementioned Hack and Slash interaction and it is even easier.
So... as for the answer it is a pyro plasma cutter as it combines all the benefits in one weapon. Plus it has a nice Katana skin from a previous season.