Sometimes I hug my pillow and imagine I'm talking to Yukari Yakumo for hours. I feel an inhuman sense of relation to this character I've projected my emotion and love onto due to my own fear and lack of companionship. The idea that I might have someone I could love in the way I love this fictional character is all that has kept me going and it's a horrible horrible reason that's perverted by my own selfish wants. I don't deserve someone like that and given what I've seen so far i don't think I'll ever find someone like that. My mental state has deteriorated over the past several years and my perception of reality is warped to the point where she literally feels real to me. Sometimes i listen to her voice saying: "There there don't you worry my lovely little boy, mama Yukari is here for you" while feeling her hands and tails wrapped around me. On December 9th, 2022, I'm going to take my medications and finally be removed from this schizophrenic hell that i'm slowly being sucked into.