Recent reviews by fizzymandrill445

i wish i could tell you i found god, but whatever i was scared of found me first

10/10

Tesla update actually ruined the game.
I know that it just came out, and it will likely get patched, but the game just genuinely became unfun when I had to start dealing with teslas simply because the designated counter (anti-material sniper rounds) appear LATER IN THE GAME than the teslas do, basically meaning you have to fight tooth and nail with infinitely regenerating tesla tanks and ridiculously beefy tesla towers in order to get the components necessary in order to get the sniping equipment that will actually let you deal with them in the WAY THAT THE DEVELOPERS INTENDED.
The fact that this update got released in the state that it's in is comical.

Edit:
Another huge complaint I've developed over an additional 10 hours of playtime is the fact that this game's performance and optimization is absolutely horrendous. I am aware that this game is developed by an indie team, but that doesn't excuse how the game just barely manages to run. I usually do not care about whether or not a game runs at 60+ FPS as long as it is PLAYABLE, but my FPS CONSISTENTLY drops below 3 any time I am raiding a ship (the main task given to the player in the game).

I will say that I do not play on the most powerful PC ever. My CPU is a 4 core i3-8100, I have 16GB of RAM and I play on a GTX 1060. However, I have played more visually and mechanically impressive games than this at an acceptable (and stable) FPS, somewhere between 40-60 in most "higher-tier" cases. As a result I can only assume that the optimization of the game's systems is to blame.
(If you want CPU and Memory consumption details: Volcanoids eats up ~40% of my CPU and over 5GB of memory.)

Again, I am trying to give this game another chance as a solo player. However, when the lag that I previously assumed was a multiplayer issue follows me to such a severe extent into my 2nd playthrough, it is hard to get any further than I did the first time simply because the game makes itself nearly unplayable.


Ultimately, I really want to love this game past the 2nd area but really cannot recommend it to any person that actually wants to fully finish it simply because, as a game, it becomes broken in terms of both gameplay and performance.

Edit 2:
2 important updates:
1)
We did, in fact, get a Tesla patch. Good stuff. Sorry if I seemed a bit ♥♥♥♥-ish in the initial review, but nonetheless I'm glad we reached a solution that addressed the problems that significantly hampered the (usually very fun) gameplay of Volcanoids. Here's to more updates that are yet to come.

2)
This review seems to be getting some backlash in regards to my complaints about the game's performance, which is understandable- no two people have an identical build and various aspects (other applications, stored items, etc) can affect a computer's performance while gaming. However, I still feel that it's important to note that my complaints about performance are not exclusive to my own review- other people with significantly more impressive builds (such as Capt. Newbiez if you check this review's comments) note the same performance issues.
I don't feel like the need to optimize the game should be downplayed simply because a very wide-spread opinion came from a single debatably-qualified individual (myself lmao).
I will say that optimizing a game is arduous and quite painstaking in a lot of cases, so I understand if the game's performance only gets slightly better with each coming patch / update. I am not the one making the game, and so it's certainly not right to demand a perfect game from the get-go. We are still playing an early access product, after all.

There is a simultaneous urge to write a very real and very not real review for this game and let me tell you, I sure have never felt this feeling before.
Pizza Tower is unlike literally any other game I have ever played. Even the Wario Land games that it's inspired from (which I pirated (always pirate your Nintendo games, kids)).

Serious Review:
Easy to learn, hard to master, hilarious at every turn, and oozing with details and effort and charm that you will never see the extent of, even on your 11th playthrough, Pizza Tower is a game that turns the dial all the way up, and then a bit further, in order to throw its players out of the pizza stone and into the fire. When I say I haven't gotten this much enjoyment out of a video game since CrossCode, I'm a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ liar, because this game absolutely ♥♥♥♥♥ on CrossCode (not for real please god go play that game).
You play as Peppino Spaghetti (bet you can't guess his nationality), though you already know that, on his quest to save his failing pizzeria from the likes of Pizza Face, who wants to blow his restaurant up for god knows what reason.
That's the entire story, and it's perfect. It immediately gives you and your character a reason to scale the titular Pizza Tower while simultaneously immediately catapulting you into the gameplay.
Tight controls combined with a huge moveset make Peppino a joy to use and watch as you smash and dash your way through levels that are particularly designed to make full use of your capabilities with unique environments, enemies, gimmicks, and laughs. You never feel like there's not something to do and you're always looking for points, enemies, and secrets in order to climb your way up to the next level, floor, or rank. Hell, you might even just be cracking up at whatever goofy ♥♥♥♥ you find in the next room (looking at you, Mort Cube).
Art which is simultaneously an absolute eyesore and a show of chaotic harmony makes every asset something you can appreciate, not only for its uniquely grotesque style but also because it captures the essence of what it means to be cartoonish.
The soundtrack, despite being made up of presets you've probably heard before, is full of banger after banger (and even the non-bangers are great with their levels' themes). "It's Pizza Time!" is not something I will actively listen to, but will always appreciate just for how good of a track it is.
Overall, this game is just a bundle of elements that, despite being zany and off-the-wall in their own respective departments, come together in a way that makes something nearly perfect, at least based on what I've played. Please, god, purchase this video game and just enjoy it. Whether you beat every level once and never touch it again, or commit to P-ranking every level in the game, there is something to be gained from giving $20 to Tour De Pizza in exchange for what will truly boggle your mind.

10/10
I know I said it's not perfect, but no game ever will be.

Non-Serious Review:
peppino can take his shirt off in one of his taunts and show the world his magnificent man titties

11/10

boutta replay this on hard mode
im very happy to return to this game
wish me luck boys

10/10

>development purgatory
>mfw

>quit MORDHAU because of enginge jank
>haven't played MORDHAU for probably 5 months now
>join a 64 player server, immediately get obliterated by a naked poleaxe user
>close MORDHAU
>never again

10/10