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God Is Watching

Potential Rapist : O' Demonic Weasel Chan, recently in college, I
have been exposed to incredible amounts of temptations. I know I can't
masturbate because God is watching. I also put parental filters on my
internet for I do not want to end up in Hell because of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

Weasel Chan : You are like a garden hose with the water
on full blast, but with a golf ball stuck at the rear end, wrong?

Potential Rapist : Yeah... and now whenever I look at little boys, I can't
help all these unholy, dirty, sinful, yumilicious thoughts.... urrrrgggh yaaah~

Weasel Chan : Do not make such a parade of your horniness.
First, all that excess energy has to go somewhere. Cast all thy sexual
frustrations unto the Lord in prayer, and pretend like He gives a ♥♥♥♥.

Potential Rapist : Surely the Lord has sent you O' wise Weasel~!
I know you don't charge for wisdom, and for that I thank you sincerely.

Weasel Chan : No biggie.

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The Paradox of Altruism

Compulsive Gambler : Demonic Weasel Chan, why is life so unfair,
why can't I stop this gambling habit, why can't I think of my family and
relatives no matter how hard I try? And I really do try, believe me.

Weasel Chan : First of all, when the chips are down, you buy more chips,
it's really that simple. Why should one follow the ways of the world? For the
actions of men are evil and their thoughts exceedingly wicked. I mean like,
wtf is a savings account for if you are not going to gamble it in a casino?

Compulsive Gambler : Oh wise Weasel, I knew I could
count on you to teach me self-acceptance... in a world where
even my wife and children condemns me. Please give me a hug...

Weasel Chan : Now now Son, when your life is finished
complete, you can always thank your Daddy downstairs.


The Credulous - Because unlike us, natural selection has a sense of humor
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Jesus Says Ain't No Stonin' On His Turf (Part 1)

And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto Jesus a woman, who's
accused of adultery. They proclaimed that, according to the law of
Moses, she should be stoned to death. But what would Jesus do?

Jesus stooped down to the ground, and with his finger, wrote in the
sands, as though he had not heard them.Then he stood up and said
unto them, "Let he who is without a ♥♥♥♥, cast the first stone."

And all the men backed the ♥♥♥♥ off.


John : But Lord, what about the women?

Jesus : John. Women don't throw stones. They poison you in your sleep.
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Jesus Says Ain't No Stonin' On His Turf (Part 2)


Jesus : Nevertheless.


And so Jesus stooped down again, and wrote he, yet another sentence.


Jesus : Now if the women cast the stones, it means they HAVE ♥♥♥♥♥.

John : I-I see :O


Fisherman John - "Master is wise :O But what about the futa?"

Jesus - "Futas don't exist in our time. We killed all of them."
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The Cash Awakens - Directed By J.J.Abrams (Part 1)


Satan teaches you how to use the Force Choke to scam church regulars.


Satan : Church members range from the rare multi-millionaire, to the wandering
old hobo who lives under the bridge with rats (Robin). But no matter what race,
age or gender, they all have one thing in common. Do you know what that is?

Newbie : Erm... they are all human beings who come to church?

Satan : No you silly. They all have cash. And they are all scammable.

Newbie : Oooooomg $_$

Satan : That's right newbie, it's a tutorial for emptying peasant wallets.
You're going to learn how to open the floodgates of heaven tonight!!
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The Cash Awakens - Directed By J.J.Abrams (Part 2)


Satan : Listen well, newbie. Tithe offerings are just like the lottery system and
casinos, you put a jackpot price, you make the gullible scrubs splash the cash,
no matter how poor and backrupt they are. Because the Lord cares for them
and He needs their money. He's just insecure and wants to know you trust Him.

Newbie : But Lord Satan, who is stupid enough to fall for that? :O

Satan : Wrong, newbie. There's a sucker born every minute. How do you
think the Vatican priests get to wipe their asses with gold paper? For the
Great Security Camera in the sky looks at the heart, and may print enough
money to help the Obama Administration pull America out of national debt.

Newbie : And what if they still don't give a ♥♥♥♥? :O

Satan : That's where the fun part comes in newbie.
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