Recent reviews by You're that guy, Pal!

Picture this: You're 7 years old. Your mom brings a bunch of CD's she bought at a dollar store from one town over. They're shareware discs that came out before you were even born. Most of them are games you've already played; Doom, Quake, Heretic, etc. There's one game you haven't seen before. It's got some lady holding a guy by the shirt and shooting somebody else on the CD. You put it in your old ass Windows 98 computer and what follows is the most ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ insane experience you've ever had. You're going 250 miles per hour while amazing synth music blasts your ears, some guy you think is dead gets back up and shoots you, you hit him with a bazooka and gore flies all over the place. Two days later the CD breaks. You can't remember what the game was called because you're 7 years old and you're stupid (like every other 7 year old). You forget about it. It becomes a dream, a vague memory of something your mind probably fabricated on one of the days you didn't take your Adderall.

Years later you see some YouTuber who plays terrible first person shooter games named Civvie11 do a review of a game he actually likes called Rise of The Triad. That sounds kind of familia- ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. THAT'S THE GAME. IT'S RISE OF THE TRIAD, OH MY GOD.

You see it's on sale on GOG for 75 cents and not only that but there's like ten times the amount of content there was in that shareware demo you played years earlier. You're in awe, you've been in an erect state for six hours straight, you have to go to the hospital for ischemic priapism. They drain blood from your massive throbbing ♥♥♥♥ with a needle. You're traumatized. Rise of The Triad nearly killed you because it made you so hard.

Some years after that there's a remastered re-release of Rise of The Triad with even more bonus content and quality of life features added in. You're getting aroused again. It's raining and dark outside. You live on the edge of town, ten hours from the nearest hospital.

I really shouldn't have been playing these games as a kid.

We'll win this war, but we'll win it only by fighting and showing the Germans that we've got more guts than they have or ever will have. We're not just going to shoot the bastards, we're going to rip out their living ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We're going to murder those lousy Hun ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ by the bushel-♥♥♥♥♥♥♥-basket.

I'm BEGGING you not to listen to the negative reviews here. The performance is just fine on a modern PC and it runs great on Steam deck, the gameplay isn't nearly as boring as people make it out to be with very precise shooting and visceral combat (although playing it all in one seating would probably get tedious, I'll admit) and the driving model is one of the best I've seen in an open world game. The soundtrack is nothing short of flawless and the story is genuinely one of the best ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ things I've ever experienced in my life. Lincoln Clay and John Donovan are THE baddest ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ on planet earth.

If you're feeling too hesitant, go ahead and wait for it to go on sale, but I'm telling you it's worth it, even if it isn't worth ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ your pants on livestream over.

How bout that prick's face when he saw the gyatt?

bro turn on the TV, we're gonna miss "Today's Execution"

Does anybody know how to give Tanya Adams the command to step on me?

Conflict of interest?

I have interest in conflict.

>pick up Cobra Assault Cannon
>run up stairs to reach top of scaffolding
>see a construction site full of bad guys waiting to get sniped
>eardrums get blasted with 🎵DUN DUN DUN DUN DUHHH DUN DUN DUN DUHHHHH🎵
>proceed to dispense justice

I'd buy that for a dollar!