Skyrim for Cubs: Survival 101

I recently read a very dull, un-informative try-hard guide, which was supposed to be a Khajiit's guide to Skyrim.
So, in all my hubris, I took it upon myself to write a better guide, perhaps the first in a series. This guide gives basic tips on making it in Skyrim, while I also try to add flavour in the sense of khajiit telling the story/guide.

I doubt anyone would actually need/want guides for Skyrim, but I do actually enjoy writing, and practice makes perfect (or at least; practice makes you something reminiscent of not-awful).
I hope you enjoy it.

Introduction

Greetings and warm sands, dear reader. This one's name is Va'jodar, and he is an accomplished Mercenary-proprietor-wizard-blacksmith-enchanter-jeweler-leatherworker, and all-around freelancer. Now; you may already be thinking: "How did a moon cat come to such good fortune and succes in a land as hostile and dangerous as Skyrim?" But fear not little one, for with my authentic Skyrim For Cubs guide, even the smallest of kittens can find their way to greatness in this harsh land.

Skyrim 101: The People

Skyrim is a land of of many people; man, mer, and beastfolk all live here together in unison. And by together in unison, this one means to say we all live within the borders of the same, very large, province.

At worst - in Windhelm that is - Skyrim treats its people in very unkindly manners:
Argonians are borderline-slaves, doing poorly-paid manual labor, often near water.
Redguards, aside from long-term residents, are frowned upon, and unwelcome in larger cities.
All elves are generally hated by all Nords, with a special animosity towards Dark Elves, who are forced to live in shoddy quarters, and are generally unwelcome in Windhelm.
But then again; the Elves hate the Nords right back.

And then there are us, the Khajiit. Cat-folk of Elsweyr; merchants, mercenaries, mages, menagerie-disposers, and a wide range of other careers starting with 'm'.
Khajiit are largely free of the poor living conditions and racial slurs that must haunt other races, like the Dark Elves, but that is mostly because khajiit are not even allowed to enter the cities.
While it is true that khajiit have a natural flair for Sneak, lockpicking, and Pickpocketing; branding every kitten as a thief or smuggler is completely unfounded bigotry... Though perhaps Va'jodar may not be the right cat to disprove these prejudices...
... Of course there are many helpful khajiit making a good living, completely within the confines of the laws of Skyrim.

Three caravans travel the roads of Skyrim, all owned by the benevolent cat Ri'saad, who travels between Whiterun and Markath (between the stables of Whiterun and Markath...). His other caravans travel between Riften and Dawnstar, and Windhelm and Solitude.
Though these caravans may be hard to catch, they offer a fine selection of completely legal goods.

Some khajiit of the caravans are also skilled in arts such as Sneak - to avoid all the wild animals and bandits, of course. And Lockpicking... In case you forget your keys. And Pickpocketing... In case you forget your keys in someone else's pockets.

This one does not wish to scare you off of course, no, to speak truth; the people of Skyrim are very friendly. They mostly go about their own business (most businesses in Skyrim seem to be "act busy"), and will gladly talk to strangers and entrust important tasks and secrets to most anyone who cares to listen - such open hearted people!

Speaking of charming; romance in Skyrim is a very fast and open affair. This one has spent weeks or months trying to woo fine cat-las, only to be turned away. In Skyrim, even the faintest of acquaintances might throw themselves at you, so long as you wear an amulet of Mara. The nords explain this practice by saying: "life is short, I am looking for someone to spend it with," but this one thinks "I am easy and eager" seems more accurate.

Skyrim 101: The Wildlife

Skyrim is home to a plethora of beasts, most of whom want to murder you, and the rest have a strong desire to seriously maim you. But fear not! With my simple guide you will be prepared to face them in no time.

Part 1: Wolves

The end of a Wolf-attack
The beginning of a Wolf-attack

Wolves can be found almost anywhere in Skyrim; fields, mountains, coastlines, forests. Mostly anywhere but inside cities and barrels or chests.
Despite their ferocious look they are, without a doubt, the very weakest beasts Skyrim has to offer. Some "guides" may go into great detail on whether to kill them with bows or swords, but it matters little, you can likely kill them with your hands, or possibly by staring at them hard enough. Va'jodar thinks he could win a claw-fight with one, and with but a few swipes.

Besides having the fangs of a kitten, and howling loudly before attacking (a tactic which makes their attacks even more predictable and stupid), the wolves do not do much.

Part 2: Frostbite Spiders

Despite what the people of Skyrim will often tell you, the Frostbite spider is not a very dangerous beast. "Being as deadly as the affliction which it was named for" is skooma-talk. But maybe Frostbite is deadlier to man and mer, given that they do not wear glorious fur like khajiit... Some of the Nords come close though...
Frostbite spiders are about as common as wolves, with the addition of also skittering around in caves. This one would like to thank Skyrim for taking its most disgusting creature, and putting it everywhere.
The ones in the darkest caves and ruins of Skyrim can prove quite a challenge, however. Some of these giants start looking akin to the mighty mammoths - if one does not consider the number of legs. And eyes. And the poison...
Like wolves; these wolf-sized spiders go down easy, but Va'jodar would not like to get in a claw fight with one. To speak truth; it is best to keep your distance. Maybe they spit their poison too, but it is less deadly than their claws and fangs.
And they pounce... Va'jodar would like to extend his most sincerest thanks to Skyrim, for giving its most disgusting beast hind legs to jump like a sabrecat...

Part 3: Sabre Cats

A magnificent specimen. More handsome than most denizens of Skyrim.

No doubt the most magnificent of Skyrim wildlife; these real big cats have the speed of a wolf, the pounce of a spider, and the teeth and claws of Alkosh.
Va'jodar must be honest with all his readers; you should not approach these beasts until you have killed at least a few dozen wolves. Sneaking past them is not easy neither, so give them a wide berth. This one has tried peacefully walking past many times... But they pounce... they always pounce.
Unless you are wearing armor, and a strong shield; this one's best advice is this; run. And run fast.

A particularly white and snowy sabrecat. It is more dangerous because it is cold.


With a few magic tricks you can convince these ones to not pounce on you, which is nice. But they are not khajiit, and cannot be reasoned with. This one has found, however, that their fur can be turned into a bit of fine leather though...

Part 4: Bears

The bear, a beloved icon of the Nords, and also one of the most hairy and fat animals in Skyrim.

A wise joking man once said; "Add a few more hairs to a Nord; and you've got a bear!" This is, of course, a silly joke, but the bear truly is an icon of Skyrim and its Nords, and can even be seen upon the banner of Windhelm.
Bears are strong; much stronger than the other beasts discussed. Their big muscles and thick hair lets them take many hits from sword or spell, and they can land deadly swipes or bites, if you are not fast enough. Luckily 'fast enough' is not very fast when it comes to bears, for they lack the prowess and speed of the much more handsome and regal sabrecats.
Bears are also very proud; and not very smart. In the middle of combat - even if you find yourself helpless as a lost kitten - they will sometimes stand on their hind legs, roar, and then attack with all the haste of a dead skooma-addict. This is a good time to get out of the way, or start hacking away at their soft bellies... and still have time to get out of the way.

A cave bear; showcasing a superior intellect by living in a bear-house.

Bears will, however, chase you very far, and even cross water on occasion, in order to protect their cave (or house, taken from an unlucky nord). Even clad in glorious armour of Dragon bones, and with a cloak of lightning swirling around you, a bear will roar at you (to stupidly let you know it is coming) and then charge on its stunted little legs, much unlike the glorious sabrecat.

In summary; Bears are strong, burly, prideful, ferociously territorial, and stupid. Completely identical to unlike the Nords who adore them so much.

Right: A Snow Bear... *sigh*... As a rule for your thumb; if its name is related to cold; it's extra dangerous.

Part 5: Trolls

A Frost Troll... Because it looks frosty and is more dangerous... *sigh*.

There is never any reason to ask yourself; Is this one mad? For these beasts are always mad, and angry, and prissy. If they see you (or anything, really), they will attempt to pummel you to death.
Like bears, trolls will also occasionally stop combat to exclaim their machismo by roaring and flexing their muscles. These virile outbursts provide the only real break from what is an otherwise relentless flurry of face-bashing. Even a sturdy shield will do you little good, as the trolls are just as happy to pummel that, and squash you behind your own shield.

Many will tell you that fire is the ultimate troll slayer. But while this one will concede that he has had some succes making roast troll, Va'jodar must say this; they might be vulnerable to fire, but they are also vulnerable to swords in the face.
Trying to pelt them with arrows from afar won't do you any good unless you are a pristine archer. Their skin fixes wounds faster than a worrisome mother-cat, so hit them hard and hit them fast - much like a handsome sabrecat might - Trolls regenerate, and they do so at an alarming rate.

Mammoths

It is easy to be mesmerized by this majestic sight - right up until you get stomped.

The biggest, hariest, fattiest beasts in the land. Sometimes hunted by groups of bandits for their meat. Va'jodar knows not why the bandits do this, for they always die in the most spectacular way.
Mammoths are peaceful until provoked, but provoking them is as simple as being too close to them, or their giant herders - speaking of herding; did you know that mammoths herded by giants have tatooed tusks? Unlike wild ones. Now you do.

The only redeeming quality of these walking meat-planets is that their tusks can net you a fine price. But the gold will not help you much if you are turned into meat puddle.
If you ever manage to kill a mammoth then rejoice; for this one can teach you no more of Skyrim's beasts.

Skyrim 101: The Scary Inhabitants

Skyrim is, as this one has said, a land of many wild beasts and animals that will happily tear out your throat (or atleast; try), but truthfully these animals are rarely the most wicked and dangerous.
What I will cover now are the things that made Skyrim go from untamed wilds to murderous wilds.
You know for sure they are all evil - they have no fur.

Part 1: Ice Wraiths

An Ice Wraith surrounded by ice and snow

These serpentine snowcones are some of the nastiest creatures Skyrim has to offer. Not because they are as... visually nasty as Frostbite spiders or as tough as mammoths or glorious sabrecats, but because of their camouflage and agility.
Talking to a fellow moon cat always brings this one back home in his mind, but we must remember that Skyrim is far from the warm sands of Elsweyr. It is a land of cold, snow, and ice... and Ice Wraiths look like flying ice.

Their quick pounce-like attacks and the ability to hide within the snow drifts of Skyrim means that the unwary adventurer can easily find himself with a wraith-shaped hole in his gut. This one always moves slow and cautiously around old ruins in the snowy parts of Skyrim (half the province), for the Wraiths like to hide among the ancient stones.

It is best to keep your distance to avoid their icy charging attacks, but this one must admit that even he cannot make use of bow and arrow against these snakes - one might aswell try to shoot snow flakes in a blizzard. It is better to hit them with a spray of magic, such as flames. This also has the added benefit that things made of ice tend to disagree with huge gouts of magical fire.


An Ice Wraith using its natural camouflage. Do you see it?

Part 2: Giants

This one wonders... which came first; the description or the name? Hmn... no matter.
Giants are... the giant herders of mammoths across the plains of Skyrim. They are found in the eastern parts of Skyrim, but are absent from Falkreath, The Reach, and Hjaalmarch.

Giants pass the time with three different enterprises:

• Standing around their giant campfires admiring their own copious body hair
  
• Herding their mammoths across Skyrim, trambling the occasional adventurer or bandit here and there
  
• Trying to send unprepared adventures into orbit around Nirni

This one wonders... why has he never seen a lady giant?

Giant camps are best avoided, as their giant clubs will smash through even thick armour, but alchemists prize their toes for their powerful Fortifying effects - this one advises that you do not tell customers what ingredients you put in the fortify health potion... - so you may sometimes have to take them on.
Stewards and jarls will also sometimes offer bounties on giants... providing an astonishing one hundred septims for risking your life against a group of house-sized beasts. This one is very appreciative of the generosity of Nords...

When you have to fight Giants remember that they often stay together in couples, and are often herding a small ("small") group of mammoths; so don't expect a fair duel.
You could try to keep your distance, but remember that Giants have legs twice your length (or five times your length if you are bosmer... HAH!) and are hard to out-run.
This one finds it best to stay close, but stay fast. Their size also makes these oafs clumsy and awkward, so this one dances around them like a sugar-cat at a wedding, avoiding the deadly swipes and swings of their huge clubs and gigantic hands.
Be quick on your bashing and your side stepping though, unless you want your skull to change shape.

Part 3: Hagravens

This one remembers saying that Frostbite Spiders and Ice Wraiths were the worst creatures in Skyrim - Va'jodar takes it all back, for as the Nords say "... few can match the cunning, depravity, and repulsiveness of the Hagravens." What they mean is: "Not only are they dangerous, but they also look like an ugly old woman and a buzzard had a child together."

To the left; A Hagraven...

If their looks have not already killed you; Hagravens will also try to tear you apart with claws like a werebuzzard (what do you mean there is no such thing? Read a book!), or the magic of a particularly angry pyromancer.
This one must admit that he has little advice for fighting these crones, but if you try to fight them you are either strong willed enough to win on your own, or so stupid that this one could never help you any way.

... and to the right is pictured a typical reaction to a Hagraven...

When they throw their fireballs - oh yes... they throw fireballs - make sure to be well out of the way, and stay out of corners as the explosion is rather large. If you avoid the fireballs, you should get close enough to bash them down in melee as they will try to claw you apart instead. Not that their claws aren't dangerous as well, but getting scratched is preferable to being toasted.

Part 4: Spriggans

Spriggans are the mortal enemies of Hagravens, and are much prettier and shinier - but like most things in Skyrim; they will still try to murder you violently.

"Protecting nature" by killing everything in it

Spriggans tend towards forest, glades, and ponds found throughout Skyrim, and though they will not aggressively throw fire at you like their Hagraven counterparts, they will instead throw angry animals at you. The prescence of a spriggan makes all nearby beasts go crazy, and they aggressively hunt down anything from farmers to daedric-armored adventures wielding legendary artifacts - this one knows from experience.
If you have been paying attention to Va'jodar you should already be prepared for the bears and wolves that the spriggans might send. But this one finds it hard to deal with the idea of being attacked by deer and rabbits... It almost feels bad killing them.

Spriggans are also formidable themselves, and will either try to attack you with their gnarly fists or spray you with... something green. But make no mistake; if you set them on fire or hit them with an axe they can be killed as easily as regular trees.

Spriggans, like Ice Wraiths, like to hide. But Spriggans hide inside trees and rocks. To avoid an ambush just remember this; if a place looks pleasant, quiet, and beautiful it is probably filled with murderous forest spirits.
Animals that suddenly glow green and try to rip your throat out are also a good sign...

Part 5: Wispmothers

This one has heard tales from silly men and mer that to avoid death, you should not "head towards the light at the end of the tunnel." A better advice would be; Do not follow the little balls of light that head towards the Wispmother.

The deadliest lady in Skyrim

Wispmothers are normally surrounded by *dramatic pause* Wisps. While these little glowing dust balls are not very dangerous; their matrons are deadly as mother cats protecting a litter.
They fling shards of ice VERY fast and they hurt. So like with Giants and Hagravens you must be quick on your feet to avoid getting holes in your armour... and your body.

Va'jodar is skilled in magic, but he must admit that the Wispmothers know a trick than even he cannot boast of: they copy themselves, making a little army of identical shades to confuse and attack you.


If you have heard and heeded thus far; then congratulations for you can face all the dangers of Skyrim - unless you go underground where far deadlier things lurk...

Skyrim 101: The deep places

For all the dangers that lurk around in the wilds of Skyrim there are a hundred worse things waiting below in the deep caves and tunnels that honeycomb Skyrim's underground.
This one will teach you how to kill those things.

Part 1: Draugr

Does anyone know what it's like to be the draugr man behind blue eyes?

For every Nord in Skyrim there is at least a hundred ancestors rotting in the tombs that dot Skyrim.
But Nords, being the angry, spiteful creatures that they are, are not content to stay in their tombs, and will rise up to attack whoever disturbs their rest. It falls to the adventurers like Va'jodar and his faithful reader to put them back down.

Draugr come in a wide variety: from husk-like, useless skeletons to armored, ebony-wielding death-super-overlord-Thu'um-masters.
The lesser Draugr will attempt to bash you with pathetic weapons, and are easily smashed to dust. This one's favourite pasttime (besides smoking skoo drinking mead) is luring weak dustmen into the dungeon traps and watching them get pummeled.
The greater draugr will try to shower you in ice-magic, and also conjure atronachs of magic-ice to pound you.

More dangerous, however, are the Draugr who posses "thu'um" - which means they will spray you with breath so bad it can freeze you to death, or toss you around like a limp kitten.
This one finds that plenty of solid cover - to hide from their shouting - and bashing them in melee combat before they can send you flying (much like a Giant might) is the best way to fight them.

Part 2: Automatons

Dwemer automatons were the workers, guardians, and soldiers of the dwemer race - this one wonders if the dwemer ever did anything themselves? - And they still guard the abandoned halls of their missing creators.
There are three different kinds of dwemer automatons found in the cities beneath Skyirm, but it is not within the scope of this guide to provide a section for each one, so this one will try to be brief for he does not have all day*.

To the right: The least scary spider in Skyrim

Spider
The dwemer spiders were the workhorses of the dwarven clans, and they can often be found digging through debris - or leaping at adventurer-faces.
Yes. They leap. But unlike their disgusting Frostbite counterparts these are not covered in fur, or eyes... or poison.
Dwemer spiders are aggressive, but easy to bash down. Some of the larger ones do let out a shock of electricity when they die, so try to stay healthy, even when you think you've already won.



Just an innocent little ball...

speer spree spehr Sphere
The sphere is another common automaton. They patrol the ruins in little ball-shapes, dropping out of walls or rolling down the halls - they look almost nice or peaceful, until they unfold and try to cut you into jerky meat.

Dwemer spheres are fast and will tend to lunge forward with their sword-like arms, attacks which are best blocked or dodged altogether. But a ranged fight can also be hard, for some spheres have crossbow-arms to shoot you dead - again you should block or dodge these deadly attacks. But if dear reader has ventured deep enough into ruins to find spheres, this one trusts you can take them.

... SURPRISE!


Centurion
Dwemer centurions are the epitomé of dwemer engineering - which means they can kill many things very fast. Their melee attacks hit like hammers - really, their right hands are hammers - and though they are not as fast as spheres or leap like spiders, they are not slow either.
Fighting them like giants - Dancing around them and bashing their cumbersome attacks - works, but this one finds it is good to seek cover, for centurions will sometimes spray you with boiling vapour.
Now; living in cold places like Skyrim one might think a steam bath nice - do not try this. Va'jodar knows it will be bad.

Dwemer Centurion: Like giants, but made of metal and boiling breath...

*(Well actually he does, being a Mercenary-proprietor-wizard-blacksmith-enchanter-jeweler-leatherworker and all-around freelancer one has a lot of free time... but nevertheless...)

Part 3: Falmer

The exact opposite of Frostbite Spiders. Instead of eight; Falmer have no eyes.

Deep beneath the surface of Skyrim there lives a race of stunted, vicious, small elf-beasts fond of poisons and mushrooms. But this one speaks not of bosmer (HAH!), but of the Falmer.
Their evil is undoubtable, for they make pets (PETS!) of Frostbite spiders and filthy chitinous chaurus, and they are better at making murderous traps than they are at making bridges and houses.
Thankfully they rarely come to the surface, and mostly stay in their deep, mushroom-lit tunnels or in the abandoned ruins of dwemer - fighting the remaining automatons.


If Va'jodar's reader ever finds themself in a falmer lair, this one's first words to you would be: "get out". But if you are determined to delve the deepest dungeons - and the reader must be, to have delved so deep into Va'jodar's guide - then this one will offer you a little advice.

The Falmer are blind'er than bats! But this makes them listen all the harder for things to capture, torture, and kill - and Va'jodar does not want his reader to end like that. So when sneaking around falmer, forget about invisibility magic; wear muffled boots, and don't touch anything!
- Beware; their pet (PET!) Frostbite spiders can still see you, with all eight eyes.

Like most organized societies in Skyrim, the Falmer come in weaker and stronger warriors. But beware, for even the weakest Falmer can beat higher-ranking bandits, and their warmasters are tougher than dwemer centurions!
Like draugr, Falmer like to use frost magic, sapping the stamina of warriors. But they will also use many different poisons to kill their victims, so be prepared to cure yourself from any long-term effects.

Warmasters are the most dangerous Falmer - and they are best sneaked around - But if you must fight them, kill them fast before their lightning shocks turn you to mushroom food - ash, that is.

Goodbye

Va'jodar must congratulate you, for if his reader has paid attention thus far, then you should be prepared to face whatever Skyrim might throw at you!
As long as something like... dragons (?!) don't start coming back from the dead, hah!

[freakjeff1]

Superbly done, great fun.

[rei ayanami]

meow

[runestyr]

A fun read, thanks for writing it!

[Hoppy]

Would make a great glossy paged coffee table book! I sense Va'jodar is the new Tharg...

[Voodoosuicide]

M'aiq would agree if he did not agree that this was untruthful. M'aiq believes that a disagreement is not necessary.

[Jörmungandr]

This one found your book informative, especially the bits about the Nords. Too much fur on their chins, not to mention the other parts of their hairy body's. Also Khajiit would like to point out that this one is fairly certain that Frosbite Spiders are blind. Ra'Tesh assumes they can sense vibrations because Khajiit has been pounced on many a times without nary making a sound. Warm sands to you my friend.

[Wrongway]

good job my friend

[VinnyTheBunny]

"warm sands to you too"
-Kitty

[Aar03]

Nice guide!

[JasperFox]

heh, reading this makes me feel like a cub in comparison x3