Shrek the Halls Script.

The script to the Shrek Christmas special.

Section 1

There, that's better.

All clean.

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake.

What are you doing here, Donkey? And what are you talk about?

I am talking about Santa Claus.

You know that it is only a 159 days left 'til Christmas? So you better be good.

"I'd better be good?" How about this, you better be scarce.

Now, go on. - I don't care about Christmas.

Donkey ... - It is only 51 days left 'til Christmas.

Now you need to get your big green butt in gear and go get your marshmallows.

Because everybody knows that without marshmallows, sweet potatoes are nothing.

Enough! I don't care about any of this nonsense. Now, shoo!

Okay, okay. But don't say I didn't say "I told you so".

Oh, man, it's finally here! Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.

You got everything ready? - No.

You mean you haven't trimmed your stockings, or hung your chestnuts, or roasted the tree? - No.

Or figgyfried your puddin'? - Donkey! Will you get it through your thick head.

Nobody here gives a hoot about Christmas. - A white Christmas! Oh, how perfect.

And it is our first one together as a family.

Isn't this exciting. - Oh, yeah, about that.

Um, Princess, I think there's a little something Shrek needs to... - Don't ruin the surprise for her, Donkey.

Surprise? I love surprises.

You are the best. Come on, let's make some good biscuits.

Okay. You're a dead man, you know that, right? - Um, hold that thought, I'll be right back.

Oh, good, you're still open. - No, no, we're closing now.

Merry Christmas. - Wait, wait.

I need your help. I have to make a Christmas.

And I have no idea what it is or how to do it.

Why didn't you say so? That's super!

I know all about Christmas. And I have just the book for you.

It is all spelled out, see? Step 1, decorate the house.

Step 2, the stockings by the fireplace. Step 3, the Christmas feast.

What's that? - Step 4, that's the Christmas tree.

The tree goes inside the house?

Anyway, step 5. The telling of the Christmas story.

This is the step that says, I have created the perfect Christmas for my perfect family, perfectly.

See, family by the fire, everyone cozy and warm. Happy, happy, voila!

Um, sure. - Look, long story short.

It's all right here. It's no problem.

Perfect. - I mean, how hard can it be?

I didn't get the eggnog.

We are closed. - Sorry.

Marshmallows. Sweet potatoes are nothing without marshmallows.

Bye, bye. Have a SUPER Christmas.

Honey, is that you?

Fiona, what are you doing up so early?

What are yo- Are you okay? - I alright.

What are you ... - I ...

Are you decorating?

Ah, yeah, that. Surprised? - Yes.

This is our first Christmas together as a family, and, you know, I just want to make sure that it's...

...perfect. Shrek, I think it's beautiful.

It's possible. - It's horrible!

You know, they usually just toilet paper, and run away, but whoever did this

means business. Now, you gotta get rid of all of this junk

and get yourself some tinsel and ribbons and maybe some of those plastic reindeer.

What exactly is it you wanted today? - Come on! It's Christmas Eve, and I brought you a little something.

Go ahead, take a couple. I brought plenty for everybody.

Oh, isn't that... nice? Well, thanks for stopping by for the brief visit,

but as you can see, there's a lot of work to do.

Just like him to wait 'til the last minute. But don't you worry, Princess, if there's one thing I know

it's Christmas. And Shrek's gonna want my help,

and he's gonna want my advice.

And he's definitely gonna want... - Actually, I think what he really wants

is a nice family Christmas.

A family Christmas... Yes, it's the first one with the kids.

Don't say another word, princess. I know exactly what you mean.

I got a lot to do now, so I had better get moving. - Thank you, Donkey.

And merry Christmas! - Alright, merry Christmas!

Love and joy cover you, and get me some waffles, too!

Donkey is right. It is Christmas Eve.

How am I ever gonna get this done in time?

This is gonna be the best Christmas ever, and we are going to do it together.

So, come on.

Everything looks so good.

Nice job, honey. - Well, we all did it together.
And now, what would the perfect Christmas be without a Christmas story?


'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature...

was stirring.

What? - Merry Christmas, Shrek!

Oh, no, not you! - We are here to smother you with Christmas love.

Absolutely not! Bad Donkey, go home.

How are you going to have Christmas without your family?

Happy holidays. - Merry Christmas.

What a nice surprise. - Yes ...

I will assume the position.

I am the joyciest swine. - Yay for the season of love.

Oh, man don't you know where Christmas stockings go? You can't be hanging your dirty laundry up here.

Donkey; you don't touch anything.

How are we gonna roast chestnuts on this little bit of fire?

Hey, baby, are you there?

That was our supper.

Did you hurt yourself when you fell out of heaven?

Where are we going to put it? - I do not know, where do you want to put it?

Let's put it over here. - No, that is not with the feng shui.

Come on everybody, let's dance!

Occupied. - It's me.

Shrek?

Yes? - Come back to the party, please.

I don't think that'd be such a good idea. - Come on, it's not that bad.

Okay, I know you're not a party person, but ... But what?

This is not the kind of Christmas that I had in mind.

There are friends, Shrek. They all mean well.

How many babies did Fiona have?

She has babies? - I don't know.

I'd better get back to the house. - I am surprised we have a house to go back to.

Are you coming? - Oh, I can hardly wait.

Ah, finally!

Ja! Look at him go!

Excuse me, excuse me! Excuse you for what?

I don't feel very good.

I feel better now. - Ooer! A chocolate chip...

Sweetheart...

Mind if I cut in?

I am a little Christmas angel.

Hey there, my sweeties.

Would you like daddy to finish the story for you?

Yes?

The children were nestled, all snug in their beds.

While visions of sugar plums... - Oh! You telling them "The Night Before Christmas"?

That's the best Christmas story ever!

And I am the best teller ever! I do it better than anybody. - Donkey.

I gotta commit the mermerization. - Donkey ...

Alright, everybody. Everybody gather 'round! - Donkey, wait, I'm supposed to tell the Christmas story.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and I spent all the day

finishing up on my Christmas display.

Now, missing all this would be nothing but tragic.

So just follow me, and I'll show you the magic.

Now, out in the yard, in the glorious clutter...

Is spectacle there that will make your heart flutter.

With 20 foot cheese balls, and a big eggnog fountain,

and yodeling elves on an ambrosia mountain.

A stage where acrobats jump, leap, and prace.

And honor the day through interpretive dance.

But just when you think the display is complete, the Christmas parade comes right down the street.

Holiday floats all in silver and blue...

With sugar plum fairies and reindeer, too.

There's the baton twirling snowmen, all happy and perky.

Magical peacocks, and a dancing roast turkey.

And right when you think that you've just seen it all...

Comes a huge waffle-Santa. That's 50 feet tell.

With syrup and butter, the sight just amazes me.

And it's flanked by a choir all singing his favorite songs.

Waffle-Santa, waffle-Santa ...

Donkey... - Santa?

Donkey! - Santa!

Donkey!

Very inappropriate, amigo. Please, allow me.

Puss, not you, too. - My homeland would tell a very different tale...

Of the Santa Nicholas. He is not made of waffles.

This Santa was suave. Was nothing like that!

The Santa I know, was a hot Latin cat.

He dressed all in fur from his head to his paws.

And he stood there heroic, a real Santa... Claws.

Red are his boots.

And so is his cape.

Section 2

His sword is a thing that tastes like crab cake.

He wears a fine belt and a leather cravat.

And there is a cute fuzzy thing which hangs down from his hat.

I have shamed myself.

Alright, everybody! If you leave now, you can beat the holiday traffic.

Aw, pooie with all your sunshine and lollipops.

Where I come from Christmas is a nightmare!

'Twas the night before Christmas, and the prettiest sights where my sweetheart beside me...

and the bright Christmas lights.

We looked at the cardoor handle and they found... a hook!

Gingy, cut it out! You're really giving me the creeps. - Oh, come on, I was just teasing.

Come here, you.

Gingy, I couldn't stay mad at you.

What was that? - Oh, no you don't! I'm not falling for that again.

No, I am really, really serious.

Suzie!

No! No! No!

That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Now, you know that's not how it goes!

You weren't there.

Alright everyone, I've had just about enough.

All I wanted was a nice Christmas, with "my" family.

And that's exactly why we are all here. Now, come on, let's finish telling my story.

Oh, no, Donkey that's not what I meant. And get out of my chair.

Oh, hey! What's this? - Donkey, let go of the book.

Why are you whispering? - I'm not kidding, Donkey. Give me the book!

Stop, drop, and roll, Shrek. - Somebody get some water!

I got it! Don't worry, Shrek, everything is under control.

The tea is ready. - Out, I want everyone out of my house.

Yeah, well, that's a real nice way to treat your guests on Christmas.

And if you think I'm gonna give you a present now, you are sadly mistaken.

You wanna give me a present? Then go away, that's all I wanted.

Fine, I'm going! - Good! Then, go.

You go and have yourself a Merry Christmas. Ebenezer Shrek!

And a "Bah! Humbug!" to you, too.

We can go to our house. Ja! We have many a schnitzel.

Now, maybe, we can...

Fiona?

Where are you going? - Shrek, you just kicked everybody out on Christmas.

Well, that wasn't Christmas. That was chaos. - Look, I know it didn't go like you wanted.

What I wanted was a perfect Christmas for me and my family.

That was our family. - You call that a family, that was a natural disaster.

On Christmas that's how it works. Yes, it was crowded, yes, it got a little out of hand.

Fiona, they lit me on fire. - Shrek.

I had everything under control until they showed up and ruined my Christmas.

Your Christmas? - I mean our Christmas. For you and the babies.

Christmas is not just about you or me, or even the babies.

You just don't get it.

I have to go. I need to apologize to our friends.

Fiona, wait.

I still don't understand why Shrek had to be so mean and cranky. We were all just trying to do what you wanted us to do.

What are you talking about?

What you said this morning, Princess.

You know. You and Shrek wanted to have a big ol' noisy family Christmas.

No, I said it was our first Christmas together as a family.

A family, right. That's me and everybody else. Then he gotta go and loose his temper like that.

You know, Donkey, none of us really asked Shrek what he wanted.

Well, I must agree with the Princess. And you, especially, were no Christmas angel!

You know, I don't remember asking you anything. - Donkey...

I'm sorry, Princess, you're right. Even still, Shrek didn't have to be so...

What?

Pig-headed, stubborn, mean; well, maybe I am all those things. But I am an ogre, okay.

So, here's the thing. I'm sorry you took getting kicked out of my house the wrong way.

No wait, what I meant to say is, I know you're all just trying to be helpful

in your own irritating fashion.

Ai Caramba...

Ah, some people can't help being annoying.

Shrek? - Look, I shouldn't have lost my temper back then.

Apology accepted. Let's go eat.

Hey, wait a minute! There's something more to this. Come on, now! What's going on?

Look, all I wanted was to make this perfect for my family.

But I don't even know what Christmas means.

The thing is... This is my first Christmas, too.

Hold up, Shrek! You mean to tell me you've never had... - No.

Not even one? - No!

You mean no chestnuts, no Santa, no presents, no stockings? No nut-cakes?!

Donkey! No, none of that.

Ogres don't celebrate Christmas.

Ogres don't celebrate anything.

Aw, man! Now I'm all emotional. Come here, Shrek, give me a hug.

Alright, that's close enough.

Okay. Alright, I just guess I got a little excited about Christmas, and all the presents, and mistletoe and everything.

I forgot that it's about us all being together. I'm sorry, Shrek.

I know, Donkey, and I'm sorry it ended up in a great, big fight.

Oh, Christmas is all about big fights. My momma used to always say Christmas

ain't Christmas until somebody cries.

Usually, that someone's me.

Boss, there is no right way to do Christmas. You just do it.

Ja, mit schnitzel! And eggnog. - And cheese.

And family. - Yeah, and family.

So, despite the fact that you drive me crazy at times. Yes, Donkey, I'm looking at you.

It would mean a lot to me if you'd all come back and join us.

Okay, I guess I deserve that. Alright, don't push your luck.

They got you good.

Hey! That wasn't even funny. Who did that?

Well, that's the last of the spare blankets.

Sorry, but this is my spot. I never get the good spot, so I specifically...

So... we are pigs. Pigs in a blanket? Ja! Ja! So, this is funny, then? Ja? Ja, ja, this is funny! That is good.

Good night, everyone. It's time for lights out. Lights out?

We can't go to sleep yet, we haven't heard a bedtime story. Ain't that right, everybody?

Shrek! Yeah! - Alright.

Don't need this. Okay.

'Twas the night before Christmas, not a swamp rat did creep...

As mother and babe played kazoo in their sleep.

Now, the sight of the house would make any ogre droop, for it was sickeningly sweet as unicorn poop.

Yet, who is arriving to help this lost cause,

The foul, the vile... and handsome, Ogre Claus! - Hey, how's it goin'?

He looked all around and scratched at his beard, and said...

And said! - This place is worse than I thought.

Uh, feared!

So he grabbed up his belly, and screwed up his, and let loose a...

that transformed the place. With a gleam in his eye,

his work here was done.

And then to the babies he gave one by one, a festering bottle of stinky swamp juice.

And for mommy a kiss and a good Christmas goose. 425 Degrees 20 minutes per pound!

Then digging a finger inside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight.

Smelly Christmas to all! And to all a gross night!

[Crockblocked]

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░░░▌░▄▄▄▐▌▀▀▀░░ THIS IS BOB
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▀█▌░░░▄░▀█▀░▀ ░░ COPY AND PASTE HIM,
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[Swiggity Wiggy]

why just why...

[Sam]

my friend just forced me to read this I am in pain

[anneboleynshead]

that was a very helpful totorial, thanks(:

[TimYingus]

Wow