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Baristacrat

[Patched again again!]

What's it like to be a baristacrat? Lord the power of the bean over your enemies while simultaneously philosophizing them to death! Those poor peons won't understand the sheer hipstery power you have at your disposal!

'Baristacrat' is a rogue skill tree with a couple of buffs (particularly coffee) and debuffs, and just a little bit of damage to round itself out. Plus you get to start off with hipster glasses, you hipster.

Patched again again!: 1) Changed Employee Benefits AND Liberal Art Degrees to be random gifts for playing the game, as opposed to guaranteed whatchamacallits. Employee Benefits so that a baristacrat vampire could work (or a vegan vampire baristacrat emomancer) and also so that , and LAD because it was still overpowered. 2) Much better coffee icons, courtesy of the awesomemans Kaidelong. 3) The Ironiconomicon is now a 10th level tome (even if you do not have RotDG). 4) Slightly nerfed hipster glasses.


Patched again!: 1) Applied hipster glasses to a number of icons. 2) Liberal Arts Degrees was nerfed AGAIN. Just like in the real world. 3) Liberal Arts Degrees was also fixed, so that you actually need coffee now. Triggerfromlist doesn't play nice with requirebuffontrigger. 4) Made Deny Service much more effective, made it fire less often. 5) Increased Academic Ridicule's power a bit - specifically, it now buffs melee and spell power, too. Separately from the +10 to all stats. Watch out. 6) Coffee doesn't look exactly like sewer brew! And apparently you drink it black.


EMERGENCY PATCHED: 1) No longer requires RotDG. 2) Liberal Arts Degrees was nerfed. Blame engineers. Still good. Still free Charlemagnes. No longer infinite Charles, though, and even coffee'd there's a chance for Academic Ridicule. 3) Danish-spawns should work now. It worked originally, then I changed it, then I didn't test the changes like an idiot.


Employee Benefits: +1 existential resist
Upon eating food, create "Coffee" at your feet - a fairly powerful, nimbleness-increasing potion. Occasionally, you'll be able to slip a "Coffee With Bailey's" past your boss, too! Additionally, there's a 15% chance of getting a free Danish whenever you drink booze.

Liberal Arts Degrees: +1 existential damage and resist
Use your old undergraduate papers for something: ballistic missiles! But be careful, because the ones you wrote when you were undercaffeinated empower your enemies with the force of Academic Ridicule - a pretty powerful buff! And even then, given how rushed these things are, you might still be the laughing stock... Or you might send them through an existential crisis.

Ennui Of The Baristacracy: +1 existential damage
Gain an on-hit buff which spreads ennui to your foes!

Tip Jar: +1 existential damage and resist
Gain zorkmid and/or golden tips for stellar service. When you kill an opponent, there's a chance you'll get some zorkmids, and a much lesser chance of nabbing something a bit more tangible (from golden ingots to bling wands to even the very, very rare Holy Hand Grenade).

Deny Service: +2 existential damage
When your customers get rowdy, cut them off from coffee and watch their willpower dissolve. What terrible, terrible power you hold.

Philosopher King Of The Coffeeshop: +3 caddishness
Blah blah blah blah blah. It's remarkable how a stream of linguistic poppycock can cause people in the middle of a life-or-death fight to question how they live their lives. Oh, and also the existential damage over time? That's nice too.