The Morrowind Review Saga

due to popular demand and an annual boredom

1. The Original Review (5/7/2021)

I was in the middle of a regular morrowind play-through when I tried to talk to a innkeeper because i have a net worth of -5 kwama eggs and cant even afford a pillow, so i tried to persuade her into pitying those below the poverty line but i accidentally clicked spacebar and picked up some random grimy folded cloth thats been collecting mold underneath the bar for 80 years and within 0.9 nanoseconds a guard had risen out of the floor and basically demanded me to pay my taxes (despite not having ownership of anything since cauis's package, yes I sold that for 0 dollars out of spite) or go to the meat locker for an epoch.

I naturally chose the tax evasion option because once again a diseased scrib has more economic potential than me, yet despite my obvious financial shortcomings, the crime of picking up a manure stained cloth in a public space has the punishment of the death penalty on the spot,
no judge
no jury
just execution

Before he could hit me and basically banish me to oblivion (due to my negative armor class because I have every disease created in the game because I decided it was a good idea to see how Hla Oad is this time of year, do not go there it is the fecal matter of the hlaalu house and is run by hillbillies who decided it was a good idea to make a crap fishing village next to 8 deadric ruins with about 2 guards to protect their worthless operation) before he could hit me however I had managed to outsmart every single being in that inn by performing the complex task of walking through a door.

Now that I had basically exiled everyone in there for as long as I wanted, the only problem was the 69 guards with armor made out of moldy cheese beelining to my exact location. I did the natural thing and went the opposite way up some cliff but in a dead sprint I think I may rival a crippled 80 year old woman in her deathbed at top speed. By the time I reached the mountain I spammed E, since you know the saying,

"when in doubt, spam tf out of e".

Naturally I made it up the mountain despite it being vertical and every guard's reaction was not to follow me the way I came or find the next best path but to hightail it tf out of here since obviously one who is on a slightly raised platform now has the combat equivalence to that of a daedric prince, no matter if they look like they were born from beef jerky.

Before I could revel in my triumph (or notice my bounty has risen by a quadrillion for stealing a cloth and valuing my life from immediate execution) a cliff racer had spawned 3 inches from my forehead and immediately began to assault me.

I managed to move out of the way but instead of not getting hit my body decided to have a convulsion on the spot and I fall to the floor like a life alert commercial (Since I had spammed E to escape the guards, my fatigue, which has a max of 4 points, had gone to -5e57).

Luckily, before I could get hit again and my health, which is about 0.0000000001 at this point, I manage to use a scroll i had found while enjoying the beginning of the game's scenery and to reward me for having positive thoughts the game decided to murder a man in front of me by dropping him from the heavens. But he had scrolls that could launch me like inflation rates in germany during the 1930;s, so naturally I used them during the cliff racer attack.

I jumped and began to ascend into the heavens, suddenly I did not feel bad about my hard situation in life anymore, my economic shortcomings were irrelevant, my weak and frail body with the agility and intelligence that only rivals that of a cinder block was of no more matter to me.

So what if I cannot understand basic reading skills and I put all my skills into spear and I had not found a single spear yet despite this being my 629th day in the game and having made a grand total of 1.2 gold, all of which came from fargoths corpse after I booby trapped his drug stash (it was in some rotting log because of his crippling moon sugar addiction) with a fireball from hell that killed everyone in a 4 city radius.

It was all of no more matter, I flew, and for the first time, I was free, free of my shackles of constant endangerment and permanent psychological trauma, the ground before me disappeared into a white ether and I was free from it all.

Then the air turned red, I was confused, thinking I had entered another level of the atmosphere, but then the ground reappeared. What was a small island had turned into a jagged red mountain straight from satan's summer home retreat.

There was not much I could do since I was barreling straight down the throat of the volcano into a lava ocean at the speed of light and only had the chance to see some man with nothing but a loincloth and a golden mask teabagging the corpse of some random dark elf, probably of no importance, but it mattered not, as I was now 80000 different pieces floating in a burning hellscape forever attoning for my sin of wanting to have a fun time playing a video game.

all in all good game would recommend 10/10

2. The Quest to Have Fun Playing a Video Game (5/13/2024)

After 3 years of atoning for my aforementioned sin of wanting to have fun playing a video game in a gargantuan pit of boiling magma i realized that i could simply start a new character, an idea that took all 3 years and all 14 brain cells at my disposal to muster.

As quickly as you can say "ah yes we've been expecting you" i spawned in to a new game, a fresh start, a new chance to have fun playing a video game, but for some reason staring at my previous character's death screen for 3 years straight seemed to have given me a very minor case of serious brain damage, at least more than there was before.

Now normally this would be an expected outcome for anyone who has spent more than 4 hours playing this game but for some reason i had forgotten everything I knew about this game.

So imagine my surprise when i click to start a new game and the first thing i see is a guy with a face that looks like he's been using it to break cement all his life. And then i realized it wasn't cement dust covering every square inch of his body and he didn't have the most bloodshot eyes the universe had ever produced but that was in fact his skin tone and eye color.

He introduced himself as Juib (or Jiub?) a name i would forget as fast as the cutscene that tried to play (before I immediately skipped it) right when launching the game. Jiuib would then yap on and on about some random place called morrowind and guards and last night's storm but if I have to be honest with you, the entire time i was more focused on the fact that he was wearing nothing but mildew soaked rags that looked slightly less comfortable than if he had glued tree bark to his legs.

Apparently this place called "marrow-rind" or whatever jubby called it was my stop so after demonstrating to the local authorities that i am capable of spelling out my name and utilizing intelligence to that of an elementary level i was able to gain citizenship and freedom immediately. Within a fraction of a millisecond after i exited the census and excise office i was instantaneously assaulted by a small hairy goblin of a man called Fargoth who was drooling at the mouth, apparently going through full addiction withdrawals of some random ring.

It had happened to be the same ring i found in a barrel outside the office when stealing absolutely everything of retail value that wasn't under direct eye contact of a guard.

Although the ring was probably the worst enchanted item ever created in the history of tamriel, giving items that belonged to someone back really didn't sit right with my morals so I did the obvious choice and told him i had no idea what he was talking about and should probably seek therapy all while wearing the ring. Luckily for me, Fargoth seemed to have an IQ at around 14, making it very easy to sell my case.

After telling the guards that he tried to steal my ring from me and watching them throw him into the harbor I walked around town with a smile on my face, determined for this to be the one time where I had fun playing a video game. However my luck was not to last as I made the rookie mistake of utilizing public transportation in morrowind.

Advice for outlanders:
do not, and i mean do not, walk up to those big legged bug thingies and travel to a place called "vivec", what it will do is transport you to vivec which is probably the worst thing you could do ever at any point, especially if you spend 99% of your net worth in going there.

Yet I did not know that at the time and spent probably 16 weeks trying to get back off of the cantons until I realized I had been walking in circles on the same canton the entire time.

This did wonders for my mental stability.

After attempting to get down the one way I knew how (I flung myself with all 6 acrobatic levels I had off the edge) and landing in a broken feeble mess next to a guard, I made my second and final mistake of my character's life:

Seeking help in morrowind.

very bad choice outlanders never do this one. At the time I was relieved that a guard would help me in such a bad state, yet this was no regular guard, this was an Ordinator, which meant he is paid by the hour to curb stomp foreigners, the more verbal insults added the better.

I asked if there was a hospital nearby.
He took out an ebony mace.
The rest is history.

[Mr.RED]

So you have to own the game to be able to UpVote a funny article?
Well now, THAT is silly. -.-