Trivia Murder Party 2 - Dictation Letters

As described by the Jackbox Games wiki, in the Killing Room minigame "Dictation":

"[REDACTED] types out a piece of writing to the players at a relatively fast pace. The text is also displayed on-screen one sentence at a time. (It is also displayed one line at a time on the player's device) Players must type out as much of what [REDACTED] says as possible. Typing is stopped soon after [REDACTED] finishes reading. Players are scored by the number of words they type correctly, not the number of words you type in a row. Scores are counted by how many words they typed match the document, meaning the ordering of what players type does not matter. If any at-risk players have less words than one of the safe players, they will die. If no one in 3+ multiplayer games is safe, the player with the fewest words (including all ties) will die.

In single or 2-player games, the players must type a certain percentage of [REDACTED]'s words correctly."

This guide shows all eighteen messages [REDACTED] might write out; if you're fast enough, you can copy/paste the corresponding message from here to your device for a possible perfect score.

Chocolate Puffs Cereal

Dear Chocolate Puffs Cereal,
I love your product but I fear your mascot.
Peter the Puff Pig is clearly insane.
His painted smile on the box is an obstacle I must overcome every time I prepare breakfast.
Please just send me your delicious product in a clear plastic bag.

Guests Regarding Exercise Equipment

Dear Guests,
While I appreciate you wiping down the exercise equipment after use, please refrain from doing so, as I am currently trying to collect those fluids.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Mondays, amirite?

Scented Candle Store

It pains me deeply to have to write to you in my current emotional state, but here we are.
While my previous visits to your store have been nothing short of delightful,
My last trip filled me with disappointment and rage.
Please understand that I will be buying my scented candles elsewhere.

Dog Owners

Dear Dog Owners,
What is it like to feel unconditional love in spite of all of your human flaws?
I bet it is really nice.
How do you feel about having to pick up dog poop?
I suspect that is the best part.

Mystery Figure

Dear Mystery Figure,
Cease hovering in my periphery.
Recede back into the inky darkness.
I command you.
I demand you.
Oh god no, please... no....
This is the end...
Just kidding.
Have a good weekend.

Police and Social Media

Dear Police,
No need to stop by again.
That's quite enough.
That said,
Officer Jones and Officer Smith are a delight!
Officer Smith did a pratfall in some carpet blood.
Officer Jones took a video for social media.
I retweeted it.

Safe Haven Security Systems

Dear Safe Haven Security Systems,
What would you say is your most common password?
I don't want to be unoriginal, so please tell me the series of numbers that is most likely to give me access to my neighbor's home.

Precious Cat Magazine

To the Good People at Precious Cat Magazine,
Congrats on another knockout issue!
Just when I thought cats could not get more precious,
you give us Ms. Fancy Paws!
I would like to double my subscription if that's a thing you can do.

Local Joggers

Dear Local Joggers,
If you are tired of discovering horrible crimes during your early morning runs,
I recommend you avoid the path next to Davis Woods.
I know you are trying to get in shape and cannot waste time being interviewed by detectives.

Action News

Dear Local Action News Team,
Do you take requests?
I would like to see more uplifting feature stories that share positive images and less segments about the crimes that I have committed.
Viewers are tired of all the sad stories I am directly responsible for.

Customer Service Department

Dear Customer Service Department,
I am extremely frustrated with the quality of the electric toothbrush I purchased through your website.
Sure, it cleans my teeth just fine, but it failed me when I tried to use it to remove an eyeball.
No need for a response;
I will find you if the product does not improve.

Person at the Coffee Shop

Dear Person who Was Behind Me in Line at the Coffee Shop,
I am sorry you knew what you wanted but were frustrated that I was taking a minute to decide.
Some of us prefer to live in the moment.
Now you will die in a moment.
Look out your window.

Old Man Seaweed

Dear Old Man Seaweed,
Thank you for lunch this afternoon.
My favorite part?
The crackers and cheese.
Whatever was the name of that splendid cheese?
I hope you didn't find my questions intrusive.
I have one more:
Have you ever been in love?

People of the Neighborhood

Dear People of the Neighborhood,
Have you seen this cat?
It has the eyes of a cat that has seen far too much and answers to the name "Muffin".
It has been missing for five years, but I have reason to believe it's immortal.
Please do not feed it, for it eats only darkness.

Self-Help Seminar

Dear Self-Help Seminar,
I know that I already paid in full but I figured out how to help myself and am now looking to get a refund.
I should not have registered so quickly but I could not help myself.
It is ironic if you think about it.

Guests Regarding the Air Conditioning

Dear Guests,
Many of you have complained about the hissing coming from the air conditioning.
I assure you it is working just fine and that the noise is coming from the snakes in the walls.
Poisonous snakes are very noisy.

Phone Company

Dear Phone Company,
Why am I being charged for conversations that I did not enjoy?
Can I send them back like every meal I order at a restaurant?
Also, do you think this would be a good premise for stand-up comedy?
I may try visiting an open mic night.

Police Winning a Trip

Dear Police,
Congratulations!
You've won a free trip to Fiji!
All you have to do is leave immediately and ask no follow-up questions.
It is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just ignore your ongoing investigations and get on a plane!

[Benio]

I doubt it...

[samm82]

Do capitalization and/or punctuation matter?

[byteframe]

💃 OS/2 🍆 🔋 ⚡ must die! 🌂