Which zombies are sex offenders? FULL LIST

I've seen a few people in the Steam community discuss about certain zombies being sex offenders. Here is the Zombie sex offender registry. Keep them away from your children!

1. Zombie (NO)

So the regular zombie is not a sex offender. How do I know this? Well, look at him.
He's bald and he's wearing some kind of suit. He's clearly a working man with a family.
This doesn't mean all working men with families are innocent, but judging by his suit, I can only assume he has some sort of office job.
Guys who work office jobs usually cheat on their wives, with mistresses - not children. So, this guy may not be innocent against charges of adultery, but that's not a sex offense, so he's allowed to live as close to the pre-school as he wants.

2. Flag Zombie (NO)

So the flag zombie is not a sex offender. Judging by the fact that he marches fast with a flag in hand, it's safe to say he's a very politically loud individual and probably uses twitter.
Yes, 100% of twitter users are pedophiles (source me), but about 80% of them never actually act on their sick urges because they never even leave their house and get blocked by minors too fast to get anywhere. You can tell this is one of those, because he's bald and barely has any teeth. Him walking on your lawn is the first time in his life that he has ever touched grass, so there's no way he's touched any kids. Legally, he can live around any park he wants to, but I'd keep a close eye on him.

3. Conehead Zombie (YES)

The conehead zombie is definitely a sex offender. Judging by the cone on his head, he probably goes to parties and gets really really drunk. Drunk people have very poor decision-making. Also, think about it, it's a cone on his head. That thing probably was in his ass before it was on his head. Plus, he wears it for..."protection"? That is so inappropriate. That is such a disgusting sinful innuendo and I am flabbergasted by his audacity. Also he's ugly so no woman would ever consent to him. He's been arrested for groping a girl...or two. More like 3.

4. Pole Vaulting Zombie (YES)

The pole vaulting zombie is 100% a pedophile, his favourite song has to be Little Girls by Oingo Boingo because that's all I hear in my head when I see him. Dude looks like Jeffrey Dahmer without the glasses. The only thing he's missing is a pedo 'stache. Look at his disgusting skinny arms, his stupid blonde hair, his outfit just makes me so uncomfortable. Why do you think he runs so much? He's practicing for 2 things: chasing after minors, and running away from police. I mean, he even runs around holding his "pole"! That is SO inappropriate! Screw electric chair, he needs the wood chipper!

5. Buckethead Zombie (NO)

The buckethead zombie is not a sex offender. In fact, I would consider it quite discriminatory to even suggest that he could be. Just because he has autism does not make him a creeper. Shame on you for even questioning it.

6. Newspaper Zombie (YES)

I think you all knew the newspaper zombie was a serial rapist. Steam user NaughtButBone already wrote his own guide on why this zombie specifically is a serial rapist, and I agree with all of his points. Mine are:

He is actively committing a sex offense every time we see him. Dude has his pants down! Indecent exposure! And what do you think he's doing with that newspaper? Sudoku? You are one stupid ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ if you thought he was doing sudoku! He's obviously got a playboy mag hidden in between the newspaper, which explains why the newspaper is upside down! He isn't reading it! Not to mention his underwear has hearts on it?? And he's wearing thigh garters for his socks?? He clearly gets down to some cross-dressing femboy stuff, and at his age, that is not normal! He is such a freak! Jail jail jail JAIL!

7. Screen Door Zombie (NO)

The screen door zombie is a criminal for sure, but no sex offender. First off, he's holding a screen door. He clearly stole it, nobody walks around holding a screen door they rightfully own. We may notice he is bald and missing teeth. Who would be losing hair, teeth, and be strong enough to rip screen doors off of houses? Crackheads in crack rages! That's why he stolethee door after all, to sell it so he can buy crack. He's a drug fiend and a thief, but no sex offender.

8. Football Zombie (NO)

The football zombie is definitely not a sex offender. Judging by the fact he's too stupid to put on his jersey right (sleeve hangs off shoulder blade thing), and the unprofessional logos on his helmet, he's clearly still in high school. Too young to be a pedophile.

9. Dancing Zombie (YES)

Dude. It's Michael Jackson.

10. Backup Dancer (YES)

The backup dancer zombie is definitely a sex offender. Do you see that mustache? That pink ass shirt? Those 70s pants? Yeah, he dances alright.. in front of pre-schools. Not to mention! He follows Michael Jackson around - not only that, but he even is summoned by him and dances for him. Wood chipper for this guy.

11. Ducky Tube Zombie (NO)

Don't you remember what I said earlier about how autistic people can't be sex offenders? Well, it applies here too. Stop being such a bigot.

12. Snorkel Zombie (NO)

The snorkel zombie is clearly an innocent man. He simply has a passion for scuba diving, and even if he was a creeper (ngl he does KINDA look like one), he wouldn't have enough time to rape children! He's too busy raping the treasure at the bottom of the sea! He is a true undersea adventurer and he has never hurt a fly.

13. Zomboni (NO)

So, the Zomboni driver in my opinion is not a sex offender. Now, this is a tough one, purely because he's Canadian so we can't really check the registry since this is America and Canadian sex offenders don't count here. But, I feel I can safely conclude that he is an innocent man. First off, nothing about him really screams "sex offender", and judging by the fact that he drives a Zomboni around, you can easily assume he's employed and that he's too busy with work to be a sex offender. He looks like he just resurfaces the ice, then goes home, smokes pot, jerks off, and falls asleep. Nothing wrong with any of that.

14. Zombie Bobsled Team (NO)

This one I don't have much to say about. Again, there's not a whole lot here to suggest he's a sex offender. Him and his bobsled team seem pretty innocent, they already have a hobby and likely not enough time for rape. They seem to be homies with the Zomboni driver, and I trust him, so they're alright.

15. Dolphin Rider Zombie (YES)

The Dolphin Rider Zombie is clearly a serial pedophile and CP collector, as well as a zoophile. He's most likely the worst one on this list so far. First off, look at his face! His teeth are so ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up, you'd wonder how he's supposed to even eat brains anyway. Look at his ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up eyes! One is bigger than the other by a lot, and I'm willing to bet that's the eye that he uses to look at "cheese pizza". But how do I know he ♥♥♥♥♥ animals too? Dude, he "rides" a dolphin...he definitely took dolphinsex .org to heart. Wood chipper.

16. Jack-In-The-Box Zombie (YES)

Now, the Jack-In-The-Box zombie may SEEM like a pedophile off the get-go, and you'd be right - his stupid hair, creepy face, and obsession with children's toys gives this away. But he is worse than that - he is a TERRORIST. He suicide bombs your lawn, and that is called TERRORISM. And terrorists are all rapists anyways. So he's the worst one on the list this far. Wood chipper would be merciful to him, so we're gonna have to go the "light-on-fire" route.

17. Balloon Zombie (NO)

The Balloon zombie is clearly not a sex offender, for he is even younger than the Football zombie (who we know is not a sex offender).

18. Digger Zombie (NO)

Construction workers are known for catcalling adult women, not touching their children. I do believe he may be ACCUSED of sexual misconduct, yes, but the chances he has to become a registered sex offender or felon are unlikely, and he is too busy digging underground to be digging inside a kid anyway. So he is innocent.

19. Pogo Zombie (NO)

Now, Pogo zombie was a tough one. First off, he looks like a tattoo artist who's simply too busy being a stupid ass millennial to offend sex, but then I realized he also looks like he would be the singer of a pop-punk/emo band (therefore a pedophile). I was very conflicted, so I did a coin toss, and it was tails, so that means he's not a pedophile, but if he ever forms an emo band...wood chipper.

20. Zombie Yeti (YES)

The zombie yeti is definitely a pedophile. First off, he's hairy and looks like a fat version of Skips from Regular Show. That's already damning enough evidence, but it gets worse - he's always in hiding. You ever notice how you never see him? It's because ever since he was added to the registry, he kept getting recognized for his unholy acts. That's why he only comes out in pitch black darkness - cause he's on the hunt for minors. Wood chipper, and put it on the slow setting.

21. Bungee Zombie (YES)

The Bungee zombie may not be the pedophile himself, but he works in close quarters with them. He is so good at abducting plants, you'd think he has practice abducting people, and he does. He abducts children for Dr. Zomboss to rape. Who knows what bungee zombie does when he's off-screen...wood chipper isn't enough. Flamethrower for this bastard.

22. Ladder Zombie (NO)

Okay, so, Ladder zombie is not a pedophile or rapist of any kind. Now, he looks a lot like Mario, and Mario may be a psychotic wife-beating animal-killing POS but also he is not a pedophile, just a midget, so that means ladder zombie is off the hook.

23. Catapult Zombie (YES)

The catapult zombie is a sex offender for sure. Firstly, he's clearly either a school janitor or a gym teacher - outfit says janitor, but his ride says gym teacher, and he's fat so that also tells me he's a gym teacher. Everyone knows 50% of gym teachers are convicted sex offenders, and the other 50% got away with it because they were either gay or female. Also, this ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ piece of ♥♥♥♥ launches basket balls at my sunflowers. That is so not cool. Wood chipper.

24. Gargantuar (NO)

The Gargantuar zombie is not a sex offender, if anything, he's the good guy of this whole rotten bunch. He's the buff guy in prison that gives pedophiles their due punishment when they arrive to prison, he's that one quiet neighbor that gets locked up for killing the child molester who just moved in next door, he's that one really scary police officer who gets put on paid leave for murdering a rapist instead of arresting him. Well, actually, he might be the cop who gets that for killing a black guy, I don't know, but I lean towards the first one because it makes me sound like I'm right. This man is a true hero (if he's the not-racist version), and we need to protect him at all costs, or else our children are in danger.

25. Imp (NO)

Okay, so, I'm pretty sure people with down syndrome at least have to be adults before they can be sex offenders, the imp is clearly a toddler, so I'm gonna go ahead and move on from this guy cause the next (and final) zombie is up...and the answer to his sex offender status MAY shock you!

26. Dr. Zomboss (KING OF ALL SEX OFFENDERS)

Ah, yes. Dr. Zomboss. The boss and ruler of the zombies...and the king of the sex offenders! After accessing his public records, I found out this man was charged with:

23x Child Pomography
65x Forced Prostitution
13x Necrophilia
67x Rape
8x Reproductive Coercion
30x Sex Trafficking
63x Sexual Abuse
50x Sexual Harassment
31x Statutory Rape
24x Zoophilia

Wood chipper would be kind. Flamethrower would be lenient. There is simply no punishment for this man that is suitable for his crimes, besides locking him up forever and letting him starve to death...but that would mean he'd still be in this world for a few more days, and he is someone we need to get rid of, fast. We may need to send him to space without a helmet. That may be the only way to respond to this situation. Space death, yes...I like it...

THE REGISTRY

https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3251269471

[kwoolian]

I think honourable mention should be the repeater he gives me weird vibes

[terminid bile titan]

As an autistic guy, I can confirm buckethead zombie and ducky tube zombie are autistic.
Buckethead is clearly wearing the bucket for safety. He is concerned about falling over or getting hit in the head by cabbage, so he wears the bucket, despite it being ugly.
Ducky tube needs no further explanation. He likes his ducky tube.

I'm also Canadian and can confirm Zamboni drivers are either really cool guys, addicted to weed, or both.

[あ ‧ Soʏou]

is this cannon?

[marcel123]

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[Yirdfast]

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[Quinn the Crow Girl]

Thanks for telling us

[NaviVani]

thanks for spreading the word

[ComputerCat95]

Quick Game: Take a shot of alcohol where ever he says Wood Chipper.

[ComputerCat95]

Get this man a FBI Postiton of Intelligence Analyst and Profiler

[freaky thom]

add me to the yes list