Ranking PT Characters by Sex Appeal (Granny Update!)

contains slight spoilers for Peppino and Gerome

Introduction

If Pizza tower gets one thing right outside of platforming, it's that the game has personality. Which is great not just for the aesthetic of the game, but the cast of characters itself. Without using words these characters express so much and give a good image of what they're like. All conveyed through the roles they play and sometimes their facial expressions. Though if the characters in Pizza Tower are so likable, that begs the question. Who would you ♥♥♥♥?
Now I know that question sounds crude, especially the way I phrased it. But sex is something natural, just as natural as selecting a partner. So when Pizza Tower has so many interesting people it's not that odd to consider who's "hot" and who's "not." Besides we're all adults here. Or at least I assume we are. So I'll be breaking down just who the hottest men in Pizza Tower are, along with breaking down who could use some work. Of course as always with these things, it's personal interpretation. Though if you really hate my opinion that much it's not like I can stop you from throwing a fit over it. That's just what we gamers do sometimes. One last note before starting is that we'll be using the official ingame rankings for each character. A, B, D and so on. So with pleasantries out of the way, let's get started!

Peppino Spaghetti

Of course there's no better place to start than with the star of the show himself, Peppino Spaghetti. Peppino is an overweight, middle aged man who assumedly weighs somewhere in the ballpark of 200 - 280 pounds. It sounds disgusting, right? Like why would you want to put up with that? But then you look closer and you realize something. All that weight is 200 or so pounds of pure man. He moves around at mach three speeds without collapsing, meaning that for his age and BMI he's surprisingly fit. He's an unstoppable force of the nature that enters the tower, tears ♥♥♥♥ up, then leaves behind ruins. Combine that with his service in the military and you have a man whose age doesn't weigh him down so much as give him experience and peak male form.

He is so very close to being an S. There is the elephant in the room however, which is his crippling anxiety. This is a difficult subject to talk about because his anxiety is undoubtedly a result of his military service. He's shellshocked, if you will. I don't want to discredit any mental scars from that deployment because it is a very real problem from a human source. Peppino is just as valid as anyone else. That said the fact he's afflicted with PTSD and the adjacent anxiety could come with problems for anyone hoping to become more intimate with him. The reality is that if you're closely involved with someone then sometimes any problems the other person has can be liable to become a shared responsibility. Your partner's responsibility to manage whatever that issue is assuming they're capable and you to act as support. Realistically not everyone will be equipped to carry Spaghetti's baggage, and at that point things can get shaky. Though if you are capable then I'm sure Peppino will make for a very masculine partner, and if you aren't looking to get serious then I'm sure you can have an arranged quickie without any real responsibility. Just be warned, he's an animal.

Overall I'd give Peppino Spaghetti an A rank

Gustavo

To be clear I will not be reviewing Brick separately. I know the two are paired together but Gustavo is ultimately the one in charge so I'll be giving a ranking for one. Anyway Gustavo, the "Mario" to Peppino's "Wario." He may appear small and innocent, but don't be fooled. This portly shorty is no pushover. That said unlike Peppino, who's fueled by anger and anxiety, Gustavo comes off as far more cheerful. He has a positive attitude with the potential to be infectious. This outlook does wonders to give him a youthful optimism. Appeal isn't always about what's physical. Though in that regard he's also a very round and squishy man. Like a stress ball with facial hair. Combine that with his smile and while not "sexy" in the traditional sense he is adorable! He's even good with pets, as evidenced by his relationship with Brick.

Overall I can't think of any outstanding issues with Gustavo. He's friendly, positive, cute, and just thinking about it I'd drop everything for him right now. He's all around perfect! That said I won't be giving him a P-Rank. Not because anything's particularly wrong with him. I can't name any issues the top of my head. In the end he's positive and cute, and I think that's all a lot of people could ask for. Though while positive he's also relatively plain, and I feel some people would be left desiring more. Because if we're talking sex, some people want that spice.

All things considered, Gustavo gets an S Rank

Mort the Chicken

Listen. I'm going to give Mort a P-Rank. I'm not going to elaborate on why, he gets it because he's Mort. If you take issue with that then I'm afraid you'll have to stop reading here. Look at those pearly white eyes, that grin. It makes me weak, like I am subservient to him. I am a sinner and Mort is my vice. For the time I have left on this earth I shall mourn, and I shall feel empty. Because in the life I am given I am alone and forever shall be alone. Not owing to that I don't know anyone, but owing to that I can never love anyone. Not the way I love Mort. Mort the Chicken, you are the song sung within my heart. The poetry my untrained hand could never write. The morning sun that nourishes our earth. You. Are. Divine. It pains me I can never have you, but the holy image of your erotic form will have to do. I love you, now and always.

Mr. Stick

Right away I'll say I don't like Mr. Stick. He's a greedy little scrooge that holds your progress hostage until you decide to fork over cash that should rightfully be yours. I don't know who this guy is, or what power lets him create doorways that just so happen to benefit your objective, but this guy has the nerve to ask for money you've earned yourself before you can go anywhere and it makes me want to knock those teeth out of his slimy little grin. As it is Peppino probably has the strength to beat the lanky creep into submission and skip his payday altogether. Yet it's just part of how you play. He gets your money because he's Mr. Stick, and he'll sit in his lounge chair sipping from a coconut while you do all the heavy lifting that would snap his twiggy limbs like an expired Twix. God I hate him so much, I really hate Mr. Stick.

Look, I'm getting really angry about this guy so let's reel it in. Stick's a businessman before anything else. Which is fine. A strong business man is goal oriented, and if that business does well you can read it as "he thinks ahead" or "he knows how to plan for benefits." That's a quality some people are interested in. Here's the thing though. What business does Mr. Stick actually run? Sure, in the game you rent out boss spaces from him. But does he rent out venues for fights all the time? Does he rent out apartments whereas the Pizza Tower is a unique venture? Does this guy bet on ♥♥♥♥ fights and you just so happen to be the ♥♥♥♥ this go around? In that case the boss space rental would just be a setup for his bets. It's hard to judge Mr.Stick as a businessman when I don't even know what sort of business he operates. As it is I'm not particularly interested in business types either, outside of the suit and tie aesthetic.

I almost want to put Mr. Stick in D, there's nothing about the guy I really like. However I'll be generous and give him a small boost. Despite my earlier comment on his figure the one benefit is that his lanky, sticklike frame reminds me of Waluigi. So while I don't like Stick that alone is enough to give me a begrudging hardon.

C Rank for Stickman

Gerome

Gerome is the likely underpaid janitor of the titular Pizza Tower. His job is the dirty job, and luckily with Peppino wreaking havoc there's no shortage of messes for him to clean up after. Really though what's important is that he lets you access the sacred tower treasures. Such as Peanut Butter and a Can of Beans. Something you'll want to be collecting. To start off Gerome is handsome. His squarelike face gives a masculine facial profile that's hard to ignore. His darkened eyes give off a mysterious aura that compliments his more reserved nature. Those gloves too. Man, Gerome's job is dirty but I'd be lying if I didn't say he's a clean dressed man. All of this comes together to create a man who's well rounded and easily very, very handsome. Sounds like an easy slam dunk, right? This guy obviously gets the A rank. But don't jump the gun just yet. See while on a purely physical level Gerome is solid one thing we need to look at is his personality. This is where things go from a slam dunk to being a two pointer. Because well... Gerome's a bit of a downer.

Some people are reserved and I won't hold that against anyone. I'm that guy around people I'm not comfortable with. Though with Gerome he doesn't emote much of anything at all. For some people this could easily pass as stoic but with Gerome he doesn't have much life to him at all. So it just comes off as depressing. If anything the man is depressed himself. Guess that's how it is when your lifelong brother is made immobile and transformed into a tool to power a sinister tower. These things just happen you know? He has his own baggage, just like Peppino, though Peppino has a lot of energy to give him life in times of stress and in downtime. Gerome lacks that, so when his issues complicate the relationship there isn't really anything to fall back on. While a bit of a sourpuss though Gerome is undoubtedly handsome. That's something I won't fault him for. A pretty face held back by his own issues, but it's so nice I still won't consider it a huge setback.

B Rank

Snick

Oh my God it's him! It's Snick! Snick is a fan favorite character in the fandom and throughout Pizza Tower's development. Sonic who? We love Snick around here! Snick isn't in the final game outside of some easter eggs and a very small cameo. That said it'd be a shame to skip over him considering just how many fans he has. So what do I think of Snick the Hedgehog? Well I think Snick is winner. When Snick was still playable his dash button wasn't a dash. If you never played the 2019 Sage demos this sounds odd. Though really Snick automatically built speed purely from walking. As for what his dash button did, it was a peelout button that held Snick in place to build up charge before being released in an instant burst of momentum. A move so cool the creatively bankrupt shrimp at SEGA stole it to use for themselves. He's just as athletic as our leading Italian but he has better composure. As a plus the fact he's fuzzy all over gives him the same cute appeal Gustavo has, just from a different angle. Also he's a hedgehog. Hedgehogs are awesome and I won't hear any contrarian takes.

So. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Cool. You know the drill by now though. There's a catch somewhere in here. For Snick it's just his nature. Those quills are a double edged sword. Not just because spiny things prick you and make a big ouchie on your finger. No, I'm talking about the Hedgehog's Dilemma. Originally penned in Arthur Schopenhauer's 1851 book Parerga and Paralipomena, the Hedgehog's Dilemma is a metaphor to represent the challenges of human intimacy. If seeking intimacy you want to be close with your partner, though if you become too close you open yourself up to be vulnerable. With the hedgehog's quills being a physical metaphor for the pain that vulnerability opens you up to as you close the distance. Of course the dilemma is a metaphor to begin with. You don't need consider Arthur's outlook. That said it brings up the tough question of how sex with a hedgehog like Snick would work. Could you even cuddle without wearing steel plating? However, while complicating things a little it's not a dealbreaker by any means. All this entails is that anything done with Snick is done with caution. Which if you're patient with relationships is hardly an issue. Plus Snick's been a spiny dude his whole life, so I'm sure he already knows what that caution entails. Don't be afraid to be intimate with Snick, just be wary of his quills. A small detail that's merely a warning for an all around hot hog. Snick is great!

A rank for sure

Pepperman

Pepperman is big, jolly, and physically dominant. While not really "athletic" in the sense our greasy protagonist is, Pepperman is still physically fit. He has the frame of a bodybuilder and could easily overpower the untrained. His mug is a bit ugly, giving Pepperman a bit of butterface syndrome. Though he's not entirely lacking to his credit. The moment he shoulder charges you can see his ripped physique barreling towards you. Plus he has a big dopey grin that balances things out. Though unlike most characters in Pizza Tower he's an artist. Making him not just physically fit but creatively trained. Giving him a unique appeal as a creative where most are fit or attractive mainly on physical beauty. Some people say brains are sexier than brawn, though those brains don't always need to be a matter of outlining the metatext in a novel like Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, or the technical know of how to setup NAS (Network Attached Storage). Sometimes that brain can be a matter of self expression through making something unique. Creative work is still work and can come with a lot of technique and trial and error that requires consideration.

However, while trained artistically the real issue is in the subject of the art. Most of Pepperman's art has himself as the subject, and exists mainly for the purpose of fellating his ego. Making his art less of an interesting self expression and more a marble mirror for him to project his greatness onto. Obvious narcissism aside, being gifted with the skill to shape stone and shade paints just to spend all that effort on an inflated self image is wasteful. There are endless possibilities that can be imbued with beauty, heart, striking imagery. Yet instead of exploring that Pepperman chooses to make it all about himself. Even his boss arena is canvases of self authored fanart. If you just want a quickie that'll cover you in excess pepper juice this may not be a problem. But relationships are a two way street, and someone who only focuses on himself isn't conducive to that. I'd know because I've been that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ a few times.

Overall Pepperman is a creative that ironically lacks creativity. More importantly that lack of creativity is a look into his inflated self worth. Michelangelo remains a timeless artist but he was never the subject of his own work. So it's definitely a turnoff. That said I feel as if Pepperman's ability has potential. It just needs a bit of guidance. Maybe then he could have work worth celebrating. In the meantime though Pepperman is still a large hunk of man with a jolly smile.

Pepperman gets B

The Noise

My oh my, who's that well dressed lad? Why it's The Noise! Another fan favorite on this list. Initially the primary antagonist in Pizza Tower, The Noise is now a high ranking boss goon that blocks off progress to the Slums. I'm fine with this change personally. The boss encounter he has is chaotic and challenging. In phase 2 his wall ricochet attack leads into an explosion that can punish the player parrying. Taking one of your best tools against the Noise and turning it into a risk. We would've hated to see The Noise go and it seems McPig couldn't get rid of him. The Noise is simply too powerful. So what do I think of the Noise? Well ... He's appealing. He's a wildcard that's always been interesting to watch, and even early on he's always acted as a strong foil to Peppino. It was exciting. Really the dynamic between Peppino and Noise did as much as to inform him as his Looney Tunes goofiness did. He still has that personality too, his boss arena is self themed like Pepperman's. Though in this case it's a celebration of his fan favorite status, and it's also a setup to broadcast a grudge match between the two longstanding rivals. I don't know though. The Noise isn't really.. Hot? I mean he's cool and all but I can't see him like that. He's like a kid hyped up on a caffeine rush and it just never stops. He has a pogo stick and a skateboard and bombs baring his face. If you doubt that the guy is a manchild his primary outfit is even a big ol' onesie. Like c'mon dude. You could at least keep your Zoot Suit if you want to dress nice. Then again the suit makes it look like the guy uses shoulder padding. He might look even more childish if he kept it. Look, point is I can't say The Noise is sexy. I can't really call him cute either because he's too much of a gremlin to really say that about him. If anything I'd be scared to be left alone with him. God, wouldn't that be a freaking nightmare. No thank you. The Noise can scarf down all the candy he wants but I'll keep a safe 20 meter distance away from him. Not more needs to be said because I'm confident I've said everything. The Noise gets D rank, now onto-

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ IS THAT THE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ NOISE?!?! That's what he looks like?! Hummina hummina hummina awooooooga! What a freaking hottie right guys? I don't want to avoid The Noise if I get to see this mug, you know what I'm saying? Yeah you know, I don't need to tell you. Maybe I wouldn't mind being left alone with him. I'm sure a guy that knows how to ride a pogo stick can show me a few party tricks. Umm.. Excuse me I have something in my throat-
BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK

The Vigilante

The Vigilante is a hardened man. As the name implies he acts outside the law. He acts on the same philosophy all vigilantes do. If you want something done right you do it yourself, and boy does he want it done. He's armed to the teeth with a mean hunk of iron, dynamite, a missile launcher, a flamethrower. The dude calls in air drops to rain down hell with cows, of all things. Even his father's disgruntled ghost enters the arena fighting for The Vigilante's sense of justice. This guys is 100% badass. I'm sure to a certain extent he's another goon. Though considering vigilantes act outside of the law to enforce authority where the law fails, I'm sure this gooey cowpoke believes in what he's doing to some extent. Making him not just a well armed gunslinger, but one that acts on beliefs he chooses to think are noble and just. Not only is that a cool framework to build around, it's something I have a weakness for. If I want to make this shidpost character breakdown personal for a second. Badasses who have a sense of right but also the motivation and training to act on that instinct, even when pushed to their limits or acting in defiance of an ultimately flawed system of law. I like badasses in general, though that's a particular flavor I'm fond of. Yes I know I'm talking about a gooey glob of cheese shut up.

No doubt The Vigilante is a hardened.. Cheese. It just comes with the territory. Even then he has these small moments. If you find Noisette's secret cafe he sits at the counter enjoying a nice hot drink with a crooked smile. When fighting him he offers you a gun before the fight can proceed forward. Meaning he's willing to show fairness even to people he feels wronged by. It injects a bit of character into someone who otherwise could be a no frills gunslinger archetype. Even the fact he's called "The Vigilante" is a nice bit of character. Everyone important in Pizza Tower has a name. Even some minor characters have names. You simply know him as "The Vigilante" though. It's a vague title at best. Then when you first encounter him he's holding a wanted poster with your face on it. This guy you know nothing about and who isn't even given a proper name has it out for you. It makes him somewhat mysterious, which given that the sheriff may not be fond of him is entirely appropriate. In a way he's a force of nature that sticks to his morals. Though one that isn't entirely lacking in character. I said Gustavo is nice but somewhat plain, and this is sort of what I'm talking about. The Vigilante is a masculine outlaw through and through, but not one who acts out of selfishness, and one who enjoys a nice warm coffee. It's a nice bit of flavor that keeps him from being an entirely two dimensional boss. Not that you get that much more, but what you see is interesting. I'd dare say it's even sexy.

The Vigilante is P rank. I will fight you on this.

Pillar John

Pillar john is one of the fundamental forces holding Pizza Tower together. A towering Monolith with an omnipresent role throughout your entire adventure. His stone cold stare and sour expression stationed everywhere, from the gutter with his namesake to the far reaches of space. Always sitting in place until the inevitable happens and he gets pulped by Peppino. Being reduced to a tool not just by Pizzaface but also the player. Creating the portrait of a sad man who lacks any agency in his life. I'm sure some of you can relate.

John is obviously very similar to his brother. Somewhat handsome, dark mysterious eyes, brooding aura. I may as well give John a B rank like with Gerome and be done with it, but there's one major difference between the two. John is practically a statue. Sitting in place as a stone idol to a monument he himself is a part of. Sure he shows fear when you lob yourself towards him like a greasy cannonball, though when he can't act on that fear that means nothing physically. You can also restore him to being fully functioning through the game's good ending. That said I doubt most of you would brave a sinister castle just so you can clap some boulder cheeks. If you would then I'd have to wonder where your priorities got mixed up in life. I am DTF (Down to Frolick) with a lot of things but a stone pillar is not one of them. If you have a thing for inanimate objects that's your prerogative but I'll pass. Plus if you consider John's circumstances it makes him really depressing. Not a fan.

D rank

Pizza Granny

Pizza Granny is a polite old pizza pie positioned as a player guide. While not immediately striking one thing to note is that Granny wears makeup. This means she puts deliberate effort to improve her appearance. While a lot of Pizza Tower's characters don't look bad this effort gives her an immediate start over other contenders. On top of that she isn't really wrinkly despite being positioned as a grandma. Age is treating this slice with extra cheese very kindly. Before you make a claim like "of course she doesn't age, my pizza doesn't age either" I'll kindly tell you to shut up. The titular tower has living globs of cheese that look fairly droopy. Even The Vigilante, which I sang my praises for. In fact Pepperman's grotesque despite being a big ol' veggie. So that throws Food Anti-Aging Theory out the window entirely.

So what's the catch this time? What input do I pull out of my ass to make things fair and balanced? I've thought about how to phrase it politely and here's my conclusion. Granny appears to have a slight chromosome deficiency. Her eyes are two completely different sizes, coupled with that is the fact that those eyes hardly ever stare at the same spot. The look on her face is rather vacant as well, like Granny isn't all there. Though the advice she gives is very helpful. So I can't say she's completely lost. In the end though is Granny's missing chromosome a big deal? Not really. As it is Granny does clean up rather nicely. So it's hard to say Granny looks "bad" at all. If anything it's a just a slight quirk. Though it is a quirk some might need time to adjust to. I guess in this case my detracting point wasn't an issue at all. Does that make this section pointless? 100% yes. Though I know you. You'll read it anyway and I can say that for a fact. You eat slop and I'm happy to provide.

Granny gets an S rank

Snotty

Conclusion

So that's my breakdown of the hottest and nottest of Pizza Tower. I took a lot of consideration into each ranking and hopefully that effort's apparent. In considering where everyone stands I feel like I've learned a bit about myself. With my top ranks being Vigilante and Mort, Pillar John being at the very bottom, and our leading man getting a strong though imperfect score. Racking my brain through all of this helped me feel like I understand just what I'm looking for. Hopefully this guide gave you that same sense of self discovery. Whether it was relating to my thoughts or following along and finding your own contrary takes. Maybe you disagree with some of the points or rankings presented, and that's fine! I'm open to your input long as it doesn't threaten my fragile, porcelain ego. I'm sure you understand. Do you agree, do you disagree? Did you find this read entertaining? Be sure to give feedback in the form of ratings and/or steam awards if you've read all the way through. That's all, and see you next time at WatchMojo!

[Магистр Гойда]

Dude, you made my morning, made me laugh

[tkachuktroy12]

lol that you said snotty and then ended the draft

[Perfect Cell]

you didnt give john a p-rank? kill yourself

[jone_62]

this is one hell of a tier list alright but its missing someone, wheres the cheesedragon ?

[Professional Jared]

in a perfect world the noise would be higher than the vigilante. this is not a perfect world

[Сушкi]

what about noisette

[sam gaming]

snick is a porcupine though

[king boo from mario]

what about fake peppino. i would have some devious thing to do with him...

[Interezek]

what about the toppin gals

dont fucking kill me for saying this guys im being held hostage already to say this

[V1 Votary]

Kinda agree on John, I would ONLY be interested if he was like.. turned into a human of some kind? Maybe???