Every Possible Way to Screw Nazeem Over

"Do you get to the Cloud District very often? Oh, what am I saying, of course you don't."
--Nazeem

Are you tired of hearing this? Is simply killing Nazeem letting him off too easily? How about we ruin his life instead.

A Little Background on Nazeem

Nazeem co-owns Chillfurrow Farm, along with his wife, Ahlam. He supposedly advises the Jarl on political matters. However, we never once see Nazeem actually visit Dragonsreach. Just from hearing this it may sound like he doesn't deserve it, but trust me, he does. While he is in the marketplace he harasses the vendors. He always asks you that same condescending question about the Cloud District, as well as just being an annoyance in general.

Making Him Go Broke

As stated before, Nazeem owns a farm, which is presumably his main (and possibly only) source of income. You can already see where this is going right? What we're going to do is go to Chillfurrow Farm and absolutely wreck the place. Steal silverware, food, valuables, everything that isn't bolted down now belongs to you. While you're at his farm, harvest all of his crops so he has nothing to eat. Make sure you kill his two chickens and the cow while you're there, we can't have him getting any food after all. If you don't mind using console commands, feel free to hit ~ to pull up the console, click on everything that is left in the farm after stealing everything and type in "disable".

Sadly, this isn't his only source of food, we are now going to have to go to the upstairs room of The Drunken Huntsman, where he sleeps. Steal everything from his room here as well. Make sure to come at night so his wife will be there, we'll need access to her without being spotted for the next step.

Making Sure He's Lonely

So if you've been following this guide already, you should be in The Drunken Huntsman while it is nighttime, allowing easy access to both Nazeem and his wife Ahlam. Kill Ahlam, be careful not to get caught, then reverse pickpocket the murder weapon into Nazeem's inventory, framing him for his wife's murder. Be sure to loot everything on her as well. While pickpocketing Nazeem, if your skill is high enough, steal all of his items, including clothes (this may require a few quicksaves and then quickloads).

If You're Really Lucky

There are two possible misc quests that you can get from the Companions:

Hired Muscle[elderscrolls.fandom.com]
Nazeem is a possible target for this radiant side quest for The Companions. Completing it requires beating him up in a fistfight in order to teach him a lesson and remind him of his obligations.

Rescue Mission[elderscrolls.fandom.com]
He is a possible kidnapping target for this quest, and must be rescued from a radiant location.

The Hired Muscle is pretty straightforward, you get to go and beat up Nazeem without any consequences. The Rescue Mission is also pretty straightforward, instead of rescuing Nazeem like you're supposed to do, instead leave him to rot wherever he is.

You Did It!

Congratulations, you have now screwed Nazeem over in every possible way without killing him. If I missed any ways to ruin his life, please let me know in the comments. Otherwise, enjoy knowing that you ruined his life forever now.

Commenter Ideas

CoffeeDeamon:
reverse pickpocket various illegal substances, Skooma, moonsugar, sweetrolls into his inventory.... guy is gonna be pretty hungry by now and might possibly become addicted

manicvermin:
-Reverse pickpocket daedric items on him so the Vigilants chase him down.
-Put silver weapons and a werewolf pelt on him so the Companions go after him.
-Put all the Dark Brotherhood books on his person so he's accused of being a member.

Hammer of Evil:
>install high king of skyrim mod
>wait for him to say 'do you get to the cloud district very often? oh - what am i saying, of course you dont!'
>arrest him for treason. 1) put him in the stocks for the rest of the game, 2) public execution
>enjoy a nazeem free game

(in order) Highly Visible Ninja, mister_lobos:
Reverse pickpocket a frenzy potion and watch everybody kill him for you. | if you get the illusion perk "quiet casting" you can also sneak and cast frenzy on him and watch the guards and/or whoever he randomly attacks kill him. once he's dead you can reanimate him and kill him again, or use dead thrall to make him your permanent zombie pet.

Revamped:
You can sleep with his wife too :steamhappy:

Agent ROO:
use the "restoration potion loop" exploit to make a paralysis potion to last 248400 seconds and reverse pickpocket it into his inventory. enjoy 69 hours of paralysis

(in order) Mr.Badger, the cleveland show shippuden, Drummer from Def Leppard:
Trap his soul in a black soul gem, enchant something already useless with it, travel to the Throat of the World and then using telekinesis throw him of the mountain (or you can throw him to the ocean, or to the lava, that is at the Aetherium forge, ...). And if you have the "Afterlife for NPCs" mod, you can head to Soul Cairn and watch him eternally suffer there. | Excellent. Also as a side note: There is a mod where you can name soul gems, so you can trap him in it and it will be called "Soul of Nazeem". The next step is torturing it :markarth: | Kill Nazeem. Trap his soul in a Black Soul Gem. Name it "Nazeem". Keep it on your mantle place. Ask it if it ever gets to the Cloud District very often.


Roark Tenjouin:
Don't forget the "Dragon Punishment for Cloud District Quips" mod. It launches Nazeem skywards whenever he talks about visiting the Cloud District.

инжир:
put a bucket on his head. make him live in eternal darkness

Darkside Hamster:
1. Get your archery to a decent rank and get the best long-distance bow possible.
2. Once a week, on a day of your choosing, find a safe spot far away and shoot him in the knee with an arrow.
3. No matter what you're currently involved in, when the chosen day arrives, fast travel back to your safe spot and shoot him in the knee, again.

Faladuf, Champion Of The Canyon:
1. Use 'Wabbajack' on him
2. Keep doing this until he turns into a sweetroll
3. e a t

Tofad:

• 1 Install Sacrosant mod
  
• 2 Unlock Blood bond perk
  
• 3 Wait for Nazeem to go to sleep
  
• 4 Make him a thrall
  
• 5 Obtain Mace of Molag-bal/Ebony blade, (Either one is good) Ring of namira, And the Quest Boethiahs Calling
  
• 6 Sacrifice Nazeem to Boethiah Using the ebony blade/Mace of Molag-bol (No Need to make it quick if you want him to suffer longer Use healing hands on Nazeem)
  
• 7 Use ring of Namira to eat the flesh of Nazeems body
  
• 8 Enchant fork with Nazeems soul gem and give it fire damage So now whenever you use it to eat a person's dead body with the ring you don't got to wait around to cook the flesh

DrVibble:
Buy a soul gem from Farengar, who of course resides in the Cloud District
Use that soul gem to enchant a weapon with Soul Trap
Kill Nazeem with that weapon
Go to Blackreach
Lock Nazeem's soul gem in a cupboard in Sinderion's Field Laboratory and leave it there forever
He is now about as far from the Cloud District (or anywhere really) as possible

Dark Warrior:
I have an idea
Use console commands to make him tiny
Have Inigo scare him (mod, therefore optional, but Inigo is a required mod for all :D)
Use the bean chili mod and unleash the big gas attack to make him smelly af (mod, also optional)
Finally, wabbajack him into a sweet roll and give him to Inigo, soon Inigo will devour him, and he will get the sweet taste of victory.

Madolite:
Does weight affect NPCs? I've never tested that myself.
But if so, just reverse pickpocket so much crap into Nazeem's inventory that he's gonna be permanently over-encumbered, so you'll know he's probably get spinal injury (or similar) later in his life and end up as a hunchback. Not only that, but he'll always be late for work and probably get fired and someone else taking his job - someone who doesn't care whether you've been to the Cloud District or not.

steem:
Control him using the console commands "player.tc" and "tc" together, bring him to a giant camp.
Results? a flying ragdoll nazeem.

swiftdeath60:
If your character PC is a male. Just use console commands to make his wife your lover and follower. Then using one of the many sex mods. Go to his room every night and have sex with his wife while he watches.

streetmage9:
I love all these ideas. Don't forget about using "Skull of Corruption" on him while he sleeps.

Gaeldimorien:
why do he and his wife sleep at the drunken huntsman?
Another Idea: turn his wife into a soul gem/enchanted weapon and then kill him with his wife

streetmage9:
Has anyway suggested to simply set him on fire so he runs around whiterun screaming?

smart smart:
I'd also like to say to put him into an enchanted weapon but nothing good like a piece of daderic or dragon put him in a wooden sword name it something insulting like the Cee U Next Tuesday's prison and stick it somewhere like on the floor under a bed in the barn you know maybe even the a** of a corpse maybe even falmers a**

I just want to say cant we put him in a perpetual state of illness like pick pocket some poison into his veins every hour or whenever really or get hit him with thing to make him sick hell even putting him in constant fear or soul trap personally I'd like to be able to kill him (I think you can at least with mods you can ) and trap him in the lowest gem possible since I think he doesnt deserve the space of a petty gem let alone a great or grand

Father Rat:
1. Make a frenzy potion
2. Name the potion the "♥♥♥ Chalice"
3. Reverse pickpocket it into Nazeem
4. Watch him kill his wife
5. Ressurect her to kill Nazeem
6. Heal Nazeem while he fights his undead wife
7. Repeat steps 4-6 until you cannot ressurect his wife anymore
8. Kill him and stuff his tormented soul into a gem

streetmage9:
Follow him to his house as he is about to go to sleep. Once there, reverse pickpocket a note from the dark brotherhood into his pockets and then turn him into a vampire. After that, spread rumors there is a master vampire name nazeem in whiterun who is assisted by his wife. Vamp his wife and then kill her with a dawnguard Crossbow while wearing dawn guard armor. After seeing this Nazeem will panic (will assume the dawnguard killed her) and run out of town only to find a note from the dark brotherhood in his pocket that says"we know". Now he is on the run, scared out of his mind because he feels his blood boiling in the sunlight: The Dawnguard are vampire hunters which be now believes he is: He thinks also the yarl wants to murder him because of the bad potatos Nazeem sells him. So now Nazeem believes he is a vampire who is being hunted by the dark brother hood and the dawnguard and is forever on the run.

先穿袜子才穿鞋先当孙子在当爷:
use console to change the actor value relations between him and his wife to hostile，then reverse pickpocket a weapon to make his wife win

[Mossybottoms]

Do you get to th-

[senkld]

racialy motivated.

[Peakgorilla1435]

Trust me

[Peakgorilla1435]

player.placeatme 00013BBF 580

[zᶻᵒᶻᶻˡᵉ]

1. Get a black soul gem
2. Steal his soul
3. Enchant his boots with his soul
4. Run to the north ocean, going through as much cow poop as possible
5. Throw them in the ocean

[Propain_]

this guy obviously just jealous cuz he doesnt get to the cloud district very often

[TossBoy2121]

wtf you should get a restraining order jesus

[Draxx The Spy Master]

Jez and I thought I hated Nazeem.

[Sumatris]

Saw a vid on Youtube about a mod that lets you grab NPCs by the throat, drag them around and toss them to your heart's content. Unsurprisingly, the willing test subject for this was Nazeem, who got dragged all the way up to the summit of the Throat of the World before he took the shortest route back down. I liked this vid. A lot.

[theLastTerrarian]

turn him into a sweet roll or a soul gem the enchant a wooden sword. next adopt an orphan to give him to your child and watch as a young man eats/uses him to beat dummy's. then tell your son about your adventures to cloud city.