Completionist Darren's Guide to Perfection (Achievement Guide) [WIP]

A guide to help unsuspecting Darrens achieve the ultimate dream... 100% completion... and a flamboyant potato

Introduction

Greetings fellow Darrens!
Below you will find tips to help you collect all the achievements currently available in The Dark Room. For those of you who still want a challenge, you can use the cryptic guide to point you in the right direction without giving you the answers. If that isn't enough, you can always use the non-cryptic guide to get your answers straight away (but you still have to do the hard work!). Good luck in your quest for the majestic flamboyant potato! oh and your freedom.. and I suppose your family too...

[Editor's note: I'm updating this as and when I get the achievements so some of them are still blank but rest assured I will get them updated ASAP!]

Thanks to Miss Scarlett~<3 Darren for the solution to The One True and Best Path.

IMPORTANT: The Kafka achievement (and believe me, the irony is not lost on me) is currently bugged and unachievable without cheating or patching. Some amazing members of the community have developed a patch which can be found here[github.com],

Thanks to Sky, Sekwah and Picapi for creating this patch! You are truly the best of the Darrens!

Cryptic Guide

Want to know what you have to do without ruining the challenge? That's the spirit! Here's some hints to help you on the way

This walking simulator kicks
Wake up somewhere you don't recognise...


Teacher's Pet
Remember who you are...


Gorillas in the fist
It seemed like a good idea at the time...


… and it ain’t pretty
You should see a doctor about that


Over Before It Even Began
Did no one ever teach you not to insult the GM?


Eye Test Failed
Look towards the light... oh wait, there isn't any


Omae wa mou shindeiru
It's all just a dream...


Stop it, you’ll go blind.
Is it getting darker in here?


The only way to win is not to play
Was all that choice a bit too much?


The One True and Best Path
Find the good exit to Level 1.


Kafka
We know you don't see, cockroach

Non-Cryptic Guide

Couldn't handle it, eh Darren? That's OK. we made this special cheaters non-cryptic guide just for you!

This walking simulator kicks
Enter the Dark Room


Teacher's Pet
Say your name is Darren


Gorillas in the fist
Grab a gorrilla by the balls


… and it ain’t pretty
Know what you've got in your pockets


Over Before It Even Began
Say your name is "♥♥♥♥ you"


Eye Test Failed
Open your eyes


Omae wa mou shindeiru
Eating cheese can give you nightmares


Stop it, you’ll go blind.
Adjust the brightness


The only way to win is not to play
Take your time to answer


The One True and Best Path
Thanks to Miss Scarlett~<3 Darren for the tip-off!
- Give your name and sit on the first screen until you become "Thoughtful Darren"
- Sleep
- Ask Why?
- Check your pockets
- Check everything in your inventory
- You will automatically sleep
- Eat the lint (chew it if you want, I didn't)
- You will automatically Sleep
- Use the gloves on the vomit
- Feed the dog the cheese
- Name it whatever you like (this doesn't seem to matter)
- Smell the room
- Protect the dog
- Grab the lint
- Fight the beast
- Punch it 6 times
- Choose the special option that only thoughtful Darrens get (you'll know it when you see it)


Kafka

[HobbyTan]

Best of luck! I was building a big choice tree to try to map the path to it but I tried so many things with no success and then life got in the way. I hope you have more success than I did!

[Sizume]

I have started playing the game again after many years just to clear up the achievements and have been trying to research how to get the Kafka achievement but nobody has anything on it! I have installed the patch (Followed the github steps for python) and am now on the hunt for this last achievement!

[HobbyTan]

I've still not managed to obtain it so I'm also unsure if I applied it correctly :( hopefully one of the folks who have unlocked it are able to reach out to either of us and give us a hand :)

[YugiohExodiusMKX]

Im not sure if i added the patch correctly, so I have to ask...
After I add the patch for the Kafka achievement, what do I do to get the achievement

[Skorm]

laspen darren; check your pockets, find the three items, eat the cheese, sleep and awake to discover that you find yourself in a videogame; the rest will come to you

[Laspen.K]

Hi! correct me if I'm wrong, but do we have to adjust the brightness of our computers to get the "Stop it, you'll go blind" achievement? I feel really dumb cause I haven't been able to get this one achievement no matter what I do

[Smokey/Baku]

i dont know how to get the eye test achievement can someone help out

[[SPLEEN] McVickers]

Sky Darren - how do I go about installing your patch? Previously mentioned was the availability of an .exe file for people like who who don't have Python, but I can not find a link provided for that option. I currently have three files (".gitignore", "darkroompatch.py" and "README.md") in front of me - how do I apply them?

[Synner]

I believe the Protect dog in the One True Path achievement section is actually meant to be Huddle with dog. I don't think you have the option to get lint after protecting the dog.
Would I be right in assuming this or am I missing something?

[Sekwah]

I think the achievement flavour text is pretty self explanatory ;) When you figure it out you'll realise what we mean but damn it takes a while.