Survival of the Fittest and ARK, or how you failed Darwin

Here I will guide you through what is likely one of your many appalling life decisions. Specifically purchasing this game and then attempting to find some semblance of enjoyment within.

Preamble

Since this guide is getting attention once again, a little back story for you all:

This was made a couple years back after my group of friends wanted to get an ARK server up again, which I made the mistake of giving it a try even though I hated the game.

I was VERY intoxicated throughout both my 10 minute stint playing it again, and during the process of making this "guide". Because of this, I made the mistake of creating a guide for this spin off and not the original ARK.

After being reposted for the main game, it immediately rose to the top of the guides for ARK for about a week. over the course of those few days, most enjoyed it while several were very angry over my disdain for the game and flagrant use of autism as the butt of all my jokes. I apologize for nothing.

Anyway, the guide got taken down my Steam after to many complaints and I guess they never knew about this one.

Introduction

Allow me to be the first to both welcome you, and chastise you, to the autism filled digital sensation that is ARK: Survival Evolved. You are about to take your first steps into the high-intensity clash of wills that pits one mentally challenged, socially inept middle school student against another in all out autistic warfare.

You to Can:
- Live on a beach for months picking berries as everything short of a (re)tarded duck murders you on sight like the degenerate you are.
- Grinding your level for days on end to achieve the right to weave a basket.
- Watching a dinosaur breath heavily for multiple real time hours in the hopes that it relents to your mongoloid presence.
- Giggle ad infinitum about your character's open defecation with other players, the closest thing to legitimate social interaction the defective masses of this game comprehend.
- Be bombarded by SOS messages from your tribe’s chief autismo, who never leaves the game, as the unwashed masses raid your petty hovel for twigs and berries.
- Maybe, just maybe, reach the endgame and achieve the title of "Master Downs" and play out your repressed incestual furry fetish by cradle-robbing a dragon

All of which I will go into excruciating detail, none of which will fully prepare you for the mind numbing pile of garbage that is this game and it's playerbase.

Side Note

You might be thinking, "Isn't this unnecessarily petty? Are you not just projecting your own failures and insecurities at this game?".

I will not deny that this was written on a steady fuel of coffee, liquor, and saltiness. But I ask you why you feel any need to defend this game? I can only assume is because you need some way to justify wasting your time finger ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ a dinosaur and picking berries just to have days or weeks of progress destroyed by someone with a higher autism level than you.

I also have spent a whopping 4 hours in this abortion, and have a mostly outsiders perspective of others failing their ancestors.

Chapter 1: Grinding, or how to click on bushes

After you have created you mongoloid abomination and loaded into a server, after half a dozen game crashes, you should find yourself on a pristine, sandy beach. You will instantly be blinded by an obnoxious amount of HDR-bloom effect the developers use to hide the garbage textures that cover the land. Wanting to shield your eyes from the sun reflecting off of everything you will likely venture under the nearby canopy of poorly detailed vegetation inland. Within the next five minutes you defecate 3 times and giggle like a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ and soon be eviscerated by [insert dinosaur].

This will happen each time you attempt to leave the relative safety of the beach, an issue you will attempt to fix through the crafting of weapons and armor. Sadly, after finding the crafting/recipe menu you will discover that you have yet to pic enough berries to know how to make a spear. So berries you pick, trees you chop, and rocks you break for hours on end. Because by default your dumbass character gains experience at the speed and intellect of an average discord user, which is to say slow as all holy ♥♥♥♥.

Even when you finally spend you autism points to download the knowledge of sharpened rocks it doesn't ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ matter because every ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ creature can 3-shot you and knock you back half a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ mile to stop you from doing damage. Which leads us to the only efficient way to level and survive, drugging animals for hours on end, which is just as unexciting as it sounds.

Section 2: Taming, or RPing sex with Dinosaurs

So here you are; broken, naked, and barely armed trying to tame some lower tier creature to extend your miserable life. A creature that will likely die in your first venture off the beach and require you to begin this brain cell killing cycle again.

Step 1: spend good-boy points on slingshot and sift through the dirt for pebbles like the retarded peasant you are.

Step 2: Sprint up to a create that is faster and stronger than you and pelt the minuscule hitbox that makes up its head with several dozen rocks until it gets tired of mangling your genetically-stunted body.

Step 3: Force feed your victim 3x it's body weight in narcotic berries over the course of several hours. By god you better have enough of those ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ berries before it wakes up and sends you back to square one. You will also need to feed your rape victim as it slowly starves and enters the early stages of mental deficiency, lowering its IQ to nearly your own.

Step 4: 3 days later when you remove a majority of the animal's brain cells you may optionally create a saddle to both fully break it's will and live out your degenerate fantasies. These saddles are animal specific and require the genocide of every creature within a few kilometer radius to gather enough hide, and the tardo points to know how to make it.

Congratulations, you now have a retarded animal with a mental capacity of a newborn that requires constant feeding as it is too stupid to understand its own survival instincts.

But at least it only took 6 hours.

Interval 3: Other Players, or the Special Needs Classroom

On the hierachy of Autism I would place this community as higher than Sonic Fandom, but not as autistic as Garry's Mod DarkRP.



Like I stated earlier, most friendships are created and maintained by laughing at the defecation mechanic. This is mostly due to the fact that the personalities of this game's demographic has yet to mature beyond that of a pubescent 12-year old. It is because of this that while playing this game one must prepare themselves to be informed every time an ally or friendly animal voids themselves, likely followed by a series of giggles.

I know what you’re thinking Mr. Neanderthal, "I myself am a masochist/have a large dent in my head, so i actually enjoy this gameplay. But based off what you said I think i'd like to avoid interacting with other players, so I think I'll just to that." Well that is some well-meaning (if misplaced) optimism you have there, but an interesting mechanic of this game is shared xp within a tribe. What this means is that the grind is essentially is that the more people you cooperate with, the less grind there is. Which is a great idea if that didn't mean interacting with the (insert overused subhuman synonym)."I'll just forgo that and play by myself!" you say? That would require a week long hike up ♥♥♥♥ mountain, and if you’re okay with that then just replace every instance of ♥♥♥♥♥♥ in this guide with your name.

"Well then, my group of friends and I will play this game together, and none of us have cerebral issues!". I'm sure you don't, but even in the unlikely event that you both play this game and don't have a specialized caretaker the playerbase WILL come to you. This is an online game, and any experience in Dayz or other garbage online survival games should have taught you that other players are not friendly. Other players whose mental deficiencies far exceeds the known spectrum of autism will have achieved max level and look for the only satisfaction they known beyond menial chores. Violence. These createns will come charging out of the jungle with their horde of power armored barbarians riding dinosaurs to tear down your garbage beach shack. Oh but they wont come when you are online, oh no. They come charging at 3:00 in the morning when functioning members of society would be asleep, tear down your meager ♥♥♥♥ hole, and go back to feeding the beast.

But maybe you got lucky or came prepared and brought your own autist who spends every waking hour on the game who can watch over and fortify, as the horrifying gameplay soothes their autism. But as the saying goes, there's always a bigger fish. You are now pitting your chief autist against the game that attracts their kind, and soon the next tier of autism will arrive and bring destruction and social ineptitude with him.

That dinosaur you so lovingly caressed and tamed? Gone.
That set of armor you spent hours forging to perfection? Gone.
The time you spent creating your pre-historic home? Wasted

Time to start again.

Act 4: Endgame, or Achieving Max Autism

So you've done it; you made the best armor, gun, and found a dragon all while fending off the physical and metaphorical waves of down syndrome.

So I suppose the question is, what now?

I honestly have no idea. I have never once thought to ever put in the amount of time you have just spent to craft the character before you, and the fact that you acquired (because I cant say achieved) everything in this game makes you and I very different people. But i can only assume that through this adventure you hate yourself and enjoy the worst things in life, so I do have a few things you may enjoy:

- Overly-Realistic Simulator games
- Urethral Masturbation
- Warthunder
- Arma clans named after real military units
- Stratis Life
- Just about any RP server
- Anything to do with Five Nights at Freddie’s
- Disappointing your parents
- Warhammer 40k

Closing Remarks, or Justifying This Waste of Time

Man there really isn't any good way to justify this, I spent about an hour making a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ recreation of the ARK symbol with ♥♥♥♥ stencils. Then i suppose that the justification is solely that I hate this game with a passion. Not just because this is a survival/crafting/openworld game, but because it does it worse than any game in this genre.

[IlRobotIl]

i played the game on xbox for 4K plus hours so i know what u mean but this is so on point yet so funny thx for making me laugh so hard

[b0l0]

forgot to mention that taking 500 narcobeerries and going in the water for 6 and a half minutes gives godmode

[lx]

im reading this and i cant stop to agree with every word. except the mongoloid. i was able to make more look a like me character.

i had this game from a friend, while it was in development and i played quite some hours in it. now i have it for free on 2 platforms. i tried to play it recently and it so shit, i just could not waste my time like that anymore.

[SlingBang]

Makes sense that the game goes on sale for $5 periodically, at which time I bought it. Then, I just played the single-player mode. Never even bothered with the PvP game (which apparently was FREE? with purchase of ARK single-player) Still only got about 10 hours into single-player before being totally bored of it...

[Professorsmartypants]

OMg How igetg MASX AUtioksm in gAME LPL;EASe hELPL;,.\//.
Tha NKS

[TheDinoSox]

i only looked at the pictures
XD

[OozeMoose]

Oh, okay then... not much missed cept for some younger gen ppl getting butthurt over something someone said on the internet. Typical.

[Humvee]

I was going to say that It still appeared in my created guides, since it was only hidden by steam for several years, but now its completely gone from my created guides. I think it's saved in some corner of my computer, but your not missing much.
The main game guide was all of this along with two extra additions to the end where I drunkenly called out some comments that got extremely angry I had made fun of autism... and none of the other offensive things I wrote.
Your only missing the drunken/edgy ramblings of my cringy younger self, so nothing big.

[OozeMoose]

Boy now i want to read the one you made for the original game. This was fkn hilarious, and you know, the most funny things are true, so pretty much all of this is kinda true. Is the original still up anywhere? Any way to read it or did steam hammer it away for good?

[Sapientem]

You need to write a review on MO2