How To Block ♥♥♥♥

At last; the highly-anticipated sequel to the famous guide informing you on punching ♥♥♥♥ in the dangerous land of Skyrim, How To Punch ♥♥♥♥, is finally released! In How To Block ♥♥♥♥, we at the Tamriel's Fighters Guild will teach you -- the noble inhabitants of Skyrim -- how to block ♥♥♥♥ professionally, and protect you and your family!

Introduction

Greetings, weary traveler! I do hope you recognize me!

I am Sir Herpicus Derpington®, the noble author who brought you the famous guide on how to punch ♥♥♥♥ in this cold, hard land. If you are unaware of that guide, I insist you read it first! It is called How To Punch ♥♥♥♥.

Today, the highly-anticipated sequel of said title is released! You will be instructed on how to obtain and ready a shield or wrist ( if you're what youngsters call these days, "bad-ass" ), correctly block incoming ♥♥♥♥, the dangers you might face and how to tackle them with a shield, and lastly; how to maintain and repair your deflecting device!

Let us BEGIN!

Obtaining and Readying Your Deflection Device Of Choice

In order to successfully block ♥♥♥♥, you must obtain what us registered sex offenders scientists call condoms "deflection devices!" These are more commonly known as shields.

To obtain one of these marvelous devices, kill someone and loot it from their body LEGALLY PURCHASE ONE AT YOUR NEAREST TRADER OR AN INDIVIDUAL WILLING TO TRADE.

You might also find these objects when adventuring -- in mysterious locked chests, in tombs, or on dead bodies ( read: make sure NO individuals witness you looting a dead body ), or even in your mommy's purse laying around somewhere in the wilderness!

To ready your device -- or wrist, if you're "bad-ass" -- open your inventory menu, select your shield of choice, and click your left mouse button! It is that simple!

You can even hold down your right mouse button and then proceed to left-click in order to bash ♥♥♥♥! I won't go into details, though; How To Bash ♥♥♥♥ will be a later title in this series -- maybe even the next title!

If you have followed these steps correctly, your shield will be ready to block and bash ♥♥♥♥!

Blocking ♥♥♥♥

We have reached the chapter in which this book is named for...

HOW TO BLOCK ♥♥♥♥!

It's simple, really! All you must do is hold down your right rat mouse button to raise your shield -- this will block an incoming blowjob ( a.k.a. "♥♥♥♥-blocking" )!

Be careful, though, as this will not absorb all of the force dealt by your opponent. It will only absorb some of it ( a.k.a. how a tampon functions ).

I guess when you block the shot, Bethesda decided you're a weak lump of ♥♥♥♥ that allows the shield to fly backwards and hit you in the mouth or something.

You must also be aware that you've got to look directly at your opponent to block his strike -- you can't just point in his general direction. For instance, if he drops C4, you must look at it as it detonates, or you'll die a bloody, painful death. This applies to arrows, RPGs, and n00btubes as well.

Also, about C4 -- make sure you're a safe distance away, or else the blast will send your shield into the air and it will come back down, hit you on the head, and -- especially if you use the Targe of the Blooded or whatever the ♥♥♥♥ it's called -- you'll be ded lol.

With that out of the way, let us learn how to maintain and repair your shield after combat!

Maintaining and Repairing Your Deflecting Device

To maintain and repair your shield, you will need ample tools in order to do so.

To repair it after a battle, take an AC-130 and ♥♥♥♥ that ♥♥♥♥ up! a hammer and-- you know what, nevermind. Just use the magical walk-up-to-a-workbench-and-hit-"enter"-while-your-shield-is-selected method. It's easier and saves time.

To maintain it as it rusts due to being stowed away for too long, you must buy some Oxyclean and scrub-a-dub-dub that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Otherwise, it'll rust to the point where my little penis :( BIG ♥♥♥♥ can't even fix it.

Just... follow these steps, I'm ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ tired. I've been up since 5 o'clock ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ writing this guide.

Outroduction

Alright, well, you know how to block ♥♥♥♥ and all that, blah blah blah.

However, here is the good news! How To Bash ♥♥♥♥ is going to be released VERY SHORTLY! Stay tuned!

Until then, weary traveler. I hope I have helped you succeed in your mission in blocking ♥♥♥♥.

Keep this guide handy if you need to refer back to it, should you forget any steps.

... Uh, bye, I guess. I dunno.

Oh, right!

May Talos guide you! STILL PUBLISHED BY IMPERIALS, FAGLORD.

[Kamikaze Dragon]

that was gr8 m8 i r8 8/8

[Piraten På Båten]

♥, ♥ everywhere

[Nas_Ruelf]

Um i think that the proper phrase is "Scrub-a-dub-tub" but other than that, I rate it a out of a

[gregoryjohnson1984]

how to have sex mode in steam ?

[wurst]

gay+

[dima_]

y'know, bane, this was made a looooooooooong time ago and is kinda what everyone does.

[Dreg]

put it in categories that it doesn't belong in just to get more views on your guide i see.

[Bloodthirsty Potato]

laughed more here than I have ever laughed in my entire life. JK, but you know how to write hilariously and informativily. 15/10 :)

[Muggy]

11/10

[dima_]

@ eviltwin61878

Yes, I noticed that. It wasn't always like that. I'll have to see if I can fix those hearts.