Alright, gather round for another episode of "The Bernina Line Chronicles: A Trainwreck of a Tale!" So, I decided to give this whole Bernina Line drama one more whirl before its grand debut on the 16th. I endured the pre-release stream a few days back, and let's just say, it was as exciting as watching paint dry on a grass blade.

Now, let's talk turkey – the price. It's like they're charging for a first-class ticket on the Orient Express but delivering a ride on a kiddie train at the local mall. In United States dollars, we're talking high 40s. A few years back, you could snag the longest routes for a cool $30. This route? It's got 22 km of scenery, which is like making a really long hallway and calling it a palace. They claim they've modeled this valley, but let's be real, it's more like they've copy-pasted the same tree a few hundred times and called it a day.

Starting with the scenic Italian border, they threw us a bone that was less T-bone steak and more vegan jerky. The views are so breathtaking they'll make you spill your espresso – but only because you've dozed off and knocked it over. It's the kind of excitement that's on par with watching grass grow... in slow motion. Blink and you're in Switzerland, and if you blink twice, congratulations, you've missed the entire Italian side of the Berninalinie, which boasts one station so quiet, you could hear your own dreams of a better game dying quietly.

And sure, they rolled out the Allegra EMU, sparking a little excitement with a new train. But then, they pull the brakes on our joy ride by leaving out the Abe 4/4 III. It feels like craving a delicious, warm cookie and ending up with just a photo of it – all the anticipation, none of the satisfaction.

Next up, Ospizio Bernina – more of a yawn hub than a train station! It's so dull, even watching paint dry seems thrilling by comparison. If a train arrives, it's probably lost or as bewildered as you are. The architecture? Imagine boredom turned into a building. Accidentally sneeze, and you might become the unofficial mayor of this sleepy spot. In contrast, St. Moritz is the party station, buzzing like a sugar-fueled beehive. It's so lively, you might need a map and a local guide just to navigate to your platform!

They've added the Arosa Line's observation coach to the Bernina Line in the game, a move as unconventional as bringing an e-bike to a marathon. In this virtual realm, realism takes a back seat. To use this mismatched coach, players must own both the RhB Anniversary Pack and the Arosa Line. It's like buying a car, then paying extra for wheels, and even more to make them usable—a classic example of nickel-and-diming.

And the pièce de résistance, the whole safety system snafu. They forgot to make it work from the cab, and now, console players have to perform a keyboard gymnastics routine (Shift+Enter then Q, anyone?) to activate it. It's like playing a game of "Guess the Correct Button," except the prize is not derailing your train. And they decided to tell us this three days before launch. It's like baking a cake and saying, "Oops, forgot the flour" as you're about to serve it. However, in a last-minute save, they fixed it just hours before launch, narrowly averting disaster!

And now, the route preview livestream – a magical journey through a world where the grass is so neon green, I half expected a herd of cows to wander onto the tracks, mistaking it for their pasture. We're supposed to be scaling mountains here, not chilling in the countryside. And the snow? It's like the abominable snowman decided to go on a diet – it's practically invisible! In the real Berninalinie during winter, you'd need a snowplow to find your own feet, but in the game, it's like a light dusting of icing sugar on a Christmas cookie.

And let's chat about the scenery – or the lack thereof. They showed us a mountain that's supposed to be so tree-packed you'd think you were in an evergreen mosh pit. But in the game? It's like the trees are practicing social distancing. They're so far apart, you'd think they're afraid of catching COVID-THREE It's a forest, guys, not a tree convention with mandatory 6-feet-apart rules!

But wait, there's more! They even botched up the sleepers. Concrete? Really? In the real Bernina Line, it's a fashion show of sleepers – you've got your chic V sleepers strutting alongside the classic wooden ones. But in the game, it's a concrete sleeper monopoly. It's like they went to Sleeper IKEA and said, "One of everything, please – but only in concrete." What's next? Plastic trees? Oh, wait, we've already got the socially distant ones!

Finally, The Steam store description for this game is a real hoot, claiming it's "Packed with detail… from the hairpin turns and tunnels of Alp Grüm, to the unmistakable Brusio Spiral Viaduct." But let's be real, the only thing it's packed with is a creative interpretation of details! Trees? They probably thought one tree fits all. Sleepers? Maybe they played 'Eeny, meeny, miny, moe' to choose them. And the observation coach? They recycled the one from the Arosa Line, because why make a new one when you can just copy-paste, right? The safety systems nearly caused a catastrophe, but hey, who needs accuracy when you've got drama? "Very detailed indeed," said no one ever, except maybe with a hefty side of sarcasm.

Embarking on the Bernina Line in this game is like gearing up for a space mission and ending up in a planetarium. The scenery's so sparse, you'd think you were exploring Mars, not the Alps. The safety system almost turned into a game of 'Train Operator Twister', and the whole experience felt like watching a magician pull a rabbit out of a hat, only to find out it's just a pair of socks. So, as we roll into the last stop of this laugh-track journey, remember, in the virtual train world, the biggest thrill might just be keeping your train on the rails while fighting off a boredom-induced coma. Thanks for joining me on "The Bernina Line Chronicles: The Comedy Express" – where the only thing you can expect is the unexpected! Tune in next time for more rail-related rib-ticklers and tracks of tedium!