"I'm so right winged that Republicans are liberal to me. I'm what you would call a Constitutionalist."
"The average vaginal canal is only 4 and half inches deep. So what do you think the average penis length is?"
"Squirrel!"
"I'm ADHD and dyslexic."
"I power cleaned 490, benched 550, and squated 750."
"I'm only average. I'm not good at anything, I'm just average."
"You would know all about that, wouldn't you? Having your reproductive stem be ready to be used, but not have it used."
"If I buried you underground and left your reproductive organ sticking out of the ground, the majority of you would be underground, right?"
"When I was a college junior, I could run a 60 yard dash in 6.52 seconds."
"I can see every individual seam on a 90 mile-an-hour fastball."
"Show me an athletic movement, I'll be able to mimic it near perfectly on the first try."
"One of my Illinois students threatened to rape my wife and my daughter. My daughter was 2 years old at the time. That's why I deleted my Facebook."
"She stabbed me in the back."
"I chipped his tooth and left him lying under a theater set all night."
"He was making fun of my brother, so I met him after the game and smashed his face in with my bat."
"I have baby hands. Davidson, you're 5'6", let's compare hands. See what I mean?"
"My wife and I have a good thing together. She said the only reason she got with me was because I can fix a car and I got with her because she's able to sew my clothes. We can't do what we're supposed to do."
"One day, I was just thinking 'I have my degree, but I can't work for a full three months. What now?' I thought that no one would miss me, so I took a .22, loaded it with turkey rounds, and waited for my wife to leave my house so I could kill myself. She knew something was up, so she didn't leave. Know why I married her now?"
"One of my old roommates was a 6'4" Mexican man with a huge penis. He would stand over me while I was sleeping and slap me with it while saying 'Wake up, Beal.'"
"I cut my Mexican roommates penis with a butter knife."
"My baseball team's average GPA was 3.7. I brought it down with a GPA of 3.4."
"At my college in Kansas City, I woke up in the middle of the night to my entire baseball team standing around me naked with a penis pump."
"What a shame. How feeble minded you are that mere words hurt you."
"I came home one night after a long baseball tournament and studying to find a video tape lying on my counter. I put the video tape into the player to find a video of my teammates made of them gangbanging a girl. They were doing it on my bed."
"My entire strategy is to find your weakness, exploit it, and do it quickly. I'll take you down before you even know I'm there, and one day your life will be snuffed out."
"I grew from 4'11 to 5'10 in three months."
"I'm not gonna tell you that I'm coming."
"You know what the moral of Mulan is? If you want to get your man, dress in drag."
"You know what the moral of Cinderella is? It's okay to sneak out late and go to parties."
"You know what the moral of Beauty and the Beast is? You have to change yourself for your man."
"I don't fight, I dominate. There's a difference. "
"I have no rhythm for fast songs when I danced, so what did I do? I wrote my name in cursive with my butt."
"If you're looking for it, I lost 31 pounds in two weeks."
"I'm a dad gum sniper, that's what I am."
"Who are you?"