Ladies and gentlemen of the board, esteemed members of the government, I am here today to present my groundbreaking research findings that will revolutionize the way we think about online gaming and its impact on our health and longevity.

Through rigorous experimentation and data analysis, my team and I have discovered that gooning while playing online video games is not only a harmless activity, but it actually has significant benefits for both mental and physical well-being. We have found that individuals who engage in gooning while gaming experience lower levels of stress and anxiety, increased levels of dopamine and endorphins, and improved cognitive function.

But that's not all. Our research has also revealed a shocking statistic - there is a 35% increase in life longevity for those who goon while playing online video games. Yes, you heard that right. By simply incorporating gooning into your gaming routine, you can potentially add years to your life.

Now, I understand that some of you may have reservations about the concept of gooning, especially in relation to gaming. But I urge you to keep an open mind and consider the overwhelming evidence that supports the positive effects of this activity.

And finally, I must address a sensitive topic that has emerged from our research. We have found a correlation between gooning while playing online video games and a preference for having one's partner poop on their chest. While this may seem unconventional or even taboo to some, we must respect the diverse nature of human desires and behaviors.

In conclusion, I implore you to support our research and provide the necessary funding to further explore the benefits of gooning while playing online video games. The future of health and longevity may very well depend on it. Thank you.