Good evening.

Every day, our fellow citizens, our way of life, our very freedom comes under attack in a series of deliberate and deadly dank memes. The victims were in custom gaming chairs or in their offices: secretaries, business men and women, military and fedora workers, moms and dads, friends and neighbors. Thousands of lives were suddenly changed by evil, despicable acts of dank. The pictures of rare titanium pepes, spooky skeltals and frogs on unicycles have filled us with disbelief, terrible sadness, and a quiet, unyielding anger. These acts of dank memes were intended to frighten our nation into chaos and retreat. But they have failed. Our country is strong.

A great people has been moved to defend a great nation. Dank meme attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve. America was targeted for dank memes because we're the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the world. And no one will keep that light from shining. Today, our nation saw dank -- the very worst of human nature -- and we responded with the best of America. With the daring of our rescue workers, with the caring for strangers and neighbors who came to give blood and help in any way they could.

Immediately following the first dank memes, I implemented our government's emergency response plans. Our military is powerful, and it's prepared. Our emergency teams are working in New York City and Washington D.C. to help with local rescue efforts. Our first priority is to get help to those who have been exposed, and to take every precaution to protect our citizens at home and around the world from further dank memes. The functions of our government continue without interruption. Federal agencies in Washington which had to be evacuated today are reopening for essential personnel tonight and will be open for business tomorrow. Our financial institutions remain strong, and the American economy will be open for business as well.

The search is underway for those who were behind these dank acts. I have directed the full resources of our intelligence and law enforcement communities to find those responsible and to bring them to justice. We will make no distinction between the neckbeards who committed these acts and those who harbor them.

I appreciate so very much the members of Congress who have joined me in strongly condemning these dank memes. And on behalf of the American people, I thank the many world leaders who have called to offer their condolences and assistance. America and our friends and allies join with all those who want peace and security in the world, and we stand together to win the war against dank memes.

Tonight, I ask for your prayers for all those who grieve, for the children whose worlds have been shattered, for all whose sense of safety and security has been threatened. And I pray they will be comforted by a Power greater than any of us, spoken through the ages in Psalm 23:

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for you are with me."

This is a day when all Americans from every walk of life unite in our resolve for justice and peace. America has stood down dank memes before, and we will do so this time. We go forward to defend freedom and all that is good and just in our world.

Thank you. Good night. And God bless America.