I seek only to educate you, my prospective customer, about my history and methods.
I am not a braggart, but I do not shrink from the truth for the purpose of humility.
I am not a prideful or boastful man, but only by detailing the true and verifiable facts of myself and my business can I properly describe my methods.
I will now lay out my list of feats, superior traits, and admirable deeds:

I can lift a fully-grown horse above my head, and I can hold my breath for ten minutes.
To settle a wager, I once ate a pound of P.B. Fouke's strongest badger poison and then ran a mile in the nude.
I cannot feel pain, and I can see for two miles unaided by a lens.
No man can kill me.
I have beaten a man of every race in formal combat, including a Turk, a Pygmy Negro Man and a rare Deepwater Jew.
A medical doctor and two priests have written and signed a document confirming that I have no soul. There is no species of fauna in America which I have not personally killed and skinned.
I will never sire a child because I loathe women.
I bathe only once a year in an icy pond.
I have burnt down one church per month for the last thirty years, and I will never be brought to justice because all lawmen fear me.