Here at Crispy Inc, we operate on a strictly no good things basis. Good things, regardless of the happiness or joy they'd bring, are completely banned in all sectors and in all cases. Enjoying life leads to complacency, and complacency leads to death. Therefore, good things and their proliferation are strictly forbidden. We do not apologise for this policy, as apology reception is considered somewhat positive. Research is ongoing with regards to the perceived value of an insincere apology. Stay tuned.

Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: Why ban good things? Are there other approaches to the problem?
A: Many users do not immediately see the value of the restriction of good things, and we have heard no end to the number of alternative suggestions given to tackling or identifying the problem at hand. While we invite user questions at all times, (Our paper shredder is sentient and hungry. As per our suffering quotas, it's hunger is permanent and insatiable.), our team has determined through hours of gruelling research that this is really the only way. Some alternate suggestions have previously caught our eye, but our eyes were quickly returned (and yes, they were reprimanded for their blatant compliance with basic decency and property laws). We hope that the efficacy of our methods will not shine through, as understanding the value of the policy would constitute a violation against it.

Q: Why answer these questions, if understanding things improves quality of life?
A: It is a common misconception that increased understanding always leads to improved mental health or quality of life outcomes. Our research has determined that certain genres of knowledge cause severe distress in meth addicts, such as notices of alimony payment, alerts that their dealer has been arrested, and the sight of short people. We extrapolated from this data to the rest of you, because you're all no better. In essence, answering these questions in our carefully curated manner has been determined to cause distress, despair and a general sense of unease. Our answers are all proofread to ensure they cause maximum dissatisfaction before they are released to the public, taking care to avoid good feelings, positive notes, or non-abrupt endings.

Q: All things lead to death. Why focus on complacency?
A: The asking of this question has been recently reclassified from "Neutral" to "Good". If you were the one who asked, or were present in the room when it happened, or contemplated it after hearing it along the grapevine, please report to HR for a mandatory retraining session.

Q: Isn't death considered a bad thing? Why does your policy not simply accelerate everyone to their deaths?
A: Upon further inspection, you may be shocked to realise that death is actually neutral. Consider this: Would it be a good thing if a Health Insurance CEO died? The unanimous answer from our surveys is a resounding "Yes!", indicating that, in some capacity, death in fact has a positive externality. It may indeed only be considered a bad thing to the individual directly involved, or their immediate associates, but even this may not be the case, as fates worse than death have been discovered and are currently being looked into. Determining the overall outcome of your death is a long and tedious task, and working endless hours to calculate that is a great way to ensure that you follow policy while waiting for a clear result. We hope that the process gives you anxiety and a crippling fear for the void at the end of life.

Q: Are cookies still allowed?
A: Cookies may be found in the pantry. They are all raisin.

If you have any further questions about our policy, submit them here, but absolutely do not feel free to do so. You know why.