My favorite Latvian Jokes

[Druid]

Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.


Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.


Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “


Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.


Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?


Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.


Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.

[Druid]

Latvian boy go out look for potato. Later come back to village, say "I found potato, I found potato!" People in village come and look, but there is no potato.
Later, boy again go look for potato. Come back to village, say "I found potato, I found potato!" Again people in village come and look, but again is no potato.
Third time, boy still don't find potato and die of starve. People in village eat boy.

[Druid]

Man ask other man "If all know of secret police, how secret?" Other man not know. Then, both men hear noise. They turn, is secret police. On way to gulag, secret police say "Answer to you question, is secret because Latvia is too dark for people to see coming"
Is good answer. Worth time in gulag.

[Druid]

Latvia man die, but for him suffer not over. Man very wicked, and go to hell. There devil make punish: he burn in lake of fire. Is warm. Latvia man finally happy.
So devil make lake hotter. But Latvia man now is warmer. Now is happier.
Devil get very frustrate. So devil make fire lake into ice lake--lake cold as million Latvia winter. But Latvia man now happiest of all!
"Devil!" he say, "Hell is freeze! Latvia is finally happy country!"
But is not true. Is only story.
Also, man not in hell, only Latvia.

[Druid]

In smallest village Latvia, lives man. Is good, nice man. Very successful. Have wife, have son, have house. No have potato. Is Latvia.
Man is walk in woods. Suddenly, appears God. Says God "GOOD MAN. I GRANT WISH." Latvia man is wise. Says "I know this. Is not God. Is hallucinate from malnourish." But says God "NO. IS NOT MALNOURISH. IS GOD. I GRANT WISH."
Of course, man wish for potato. Says God "SO HUMBLE WISH? I GRANT TWO POTATO." Disappear. Man very happy. Take potato, run home. Tell wife. Tell son. They happy. Man cry. Wife cry. Son cry, but from malnourish.
Suddenly, Politburo. Sees two potato. No Latvian has two potato. Is proof of capitalism spy. Arrest man. Kill wife. Rape house. Bulldoze son.
Such is life in Latvia.

[Druid]

Here joke for adult.
Latvian man come home and is see wife naked with other man. Latvian man weep and demand who is man ? Wife say "Who you are talk about ? Is no man here. You are hallucinate from malnourish." Latvian man laugh. Meanwhile naked man begin crawl to door but is freeze before can finish sneak out. In morning Latvian man find corpse and use for make breakfast. Wife begin set table. Latvian man say "What you are doing? Is no food here. You are hallucinate from malnourish." All food eat by Latvian man as wife sob. Gentlemans, you are take lesson ?

[Druid]

Latvian girl is say "I want go America one day." Father is say "I send you America." Daughter is thank father. Make tears of happy. Father use for salty potato. Father think moment, say "Daughter, I no send you America." Potato is more salt.

[Druid]

Horse walk in bar. Bartender ask, "Why has long face?" Horse say, "Family is died of malnourish."
Horse was man whole time. No Horse in Latvia. Only suffering.

[Druid]

Latvian: Is so cold.
All: How cold is?
Latvian: Very. Also dark.

[Druid]

Latvian walk into bar and say, “I have not eaten for many days. One full beer will be too much for me. How much just maybe one shot beer?” Bartender say, “This is can do for you. Is two centimes.” Latvian say, “Oh. I was hoping it would be less. I do not have that much.”