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Now, I'd say that the Visual Novels that had the most emotional impact on me are Subarashiki Hibi[vndb.org], Umineko[vndb.org], Muv-luv Alternative[vndb.org] & the Utawarerumono trilogy, but especially Utawarerumono : Mask of Truth[vndb.org].
For me, if a VN manages to ''hit me hard'' it either had to be highly relatable to me or manage to make me spend a lot of meaningful time with its cast, enough time to make me invested into the cast's fate. Great characterization and meaningful character growth usually is mandatory for me to get really invested into any given cast of characters. I'm also a sucker for deeply flawed characters/characters that are broken at their core.
As a side note, great voice acting and a great soundtrack also helps immensely in getting me immersed into any given game. If I'm deeply immersed into a game thanks to its stellar voice acting/soundtrack, I'm obviously more likely to get emotionally invested.
Now, with that out of the way, I'd say that all the games I mentioned above pretty much satisfied all those requirements, Subarashiki Hibi and Umineko especially. They both are incredible works that speaks to me on a personal level, so much so that they both helped me shape me into the person that I am today. I definitely plan on reading Umineko a second time once I forget most of its twists and Subarashiki Hibi a fourth time hopefully sooner rather than later. I can't really get into specifics because spoilers but both those works also managed to affect me emotionally quite strongly way before their respective endings.
As for the Utawarerumono trilogy, I'd say that I didn't relate to it as much as some others games but just the sheer quality of the journey the trilogy makes you go through and the way everything ties together with its unforgettable cast of characters (It also probably has the best JP to EN translation I've ever seen in a VN) is just so beautiful that I couldn't help but shed many tears when I realized I was about to leave those characters and this world for good. Just hearing the ending theme of Mask of Truth still gets me quite emotional to this day.
Finally, there's Muv-luv. The problem with Muv-luv is that I read it almost 4 years ago and I'm not sure if it'd hit me that hard today since I've changed a lot as a person. But I remember at the time that its story had me on the edge of my seat for a solid 40+ hours and that I deeply cared for a few characters, not the whole main cast though. I remember getting pretty emotional during the few final hours.
With that said, I would say the most emotional visual novels I read so far would have to be:
planetarian: reverie of a little planet, one of keys shorter works
https://store.steampowered.com/app/316720/planetarian_the_reverie_of_a_little_planet/
cursed sight, developed by invertmouse
https://store.steampowered.com/app/360550/Cursed_Sight/
katawa shoujo, more specifically hanakos route
https://www.katawa-shoujo.com/about.php
g senjou no maou, one of the first vn's i downloaded and finished before it came to steam
https://store.steampowered.com/app/377670/Gsenjou_no_Maou__The_Devil_on_GString/
finding paradise, sequel to to the moon- not sure if you would classify this as a vn, but it is a great game!
https://store.steampowered.com/app/337340/Finding_Paradise/
and of course for a more mainstream title, clannad,
https://store.steampowered.com/app/324160/CLANNAD/
i didnt bother with the anime before reading it and im glad I didnt, the 50+ hours spent into it was absolutely amazing..
What you already said about vn's being relatable and being able to see the characters growth also do very much resonate with me in being able to tell an emotionally impactful story, so I don't see how much I can add there albeit with an addition of my own particular preference being that the setting or scenario ought to be either extremely mundane or extremely outlandish. A vn that can really stick its readers into its world building and atmopshere has a big advantage in having its readers be invested in the long term.
in particulars, here are the brief reasons as to why I chose these games,
planetarian: short and solid story. I loved being able to finish it in one sitting and yet was really astonished as to how much of a punch it delivered given the time it had- in the aspects of world building, character interaction and development, climax- you can simply describe it as "key"!
cursed sight: also short, but its story really interested me being that i absolutely loved the oriental medieval fantasy setting. It felt like a reading a manhwa, and by the end of it I was really left awestruck and in love with the main girl. It is admittedly lacking in overall production quality, but seeing that it was developed by a team as small as it was, it was an amazing experience.
katawa shoujo: Im sure every member in the group must already know of and played this game, so I guess I'd just say that hanakos route got to me the most just because of how sweet the ending was combined with the mellow atmosphere of the school.
g senjou no maou: I actually spent a good part of my christmas break abroad in the states just to finish this! It was absolutely one of a kind, a thriller having me on the edge of my seat and a mystery keeping me guessing till the very end. The emotional blast at the end had me on tears that I'd dare compare to the climax of clannad even.
finding paradise: I actually bought this on the same day I finished to the moon along with bird story. The themes of life that freebird games uses on these products of theirs are irresistable. Their work is such a unique look into the rpg market, though admittedly theres much more storytelling than turn based combat. It might be because I played to the moon and this game consecutively, but for me the theme of this game along with its beautiful ost and storytelling makes me put it above to the moon in terms of personal enjoyment and satisfaction. I am sure the 3rd game on the series will be just as excellent..
clannad: by far the longest vn I've spent any amount of time on. Clannad was like going through daily life through the eyes of a character I could call a good friend. All the hours spent on all the routes leading to the finale was like multiple punches to the gut of varying intensity's. I could say alot about it after all of that, but the one statement I could be sure of for the rest of my life would be that it had a lasting impression.
sorry if that was too long haha! anyways, that was my input for the topic.
additionally, what are your thoughts on the more intimate scenes of vn's which aren't classified as nukige? do they detract or add to the overall experience? Im asking this because I dont know wether I should start muv luv unpatched or wait till I can get the patch.
Now, when it comes to the Muv-luv series, I'd say that none of the ero-scenes are actually plot-relevant nor are they very interesting, except one particular scene in Alternative that is still present in the all-ages version of the game because of how important it is. As you can probably guess, that particular scene, despite being present, was censored a bit so it could make it to the all-ages version. So, when it comes to which version of Muv-luv to play, I'd say that both versions are absolutely fine and that the 18+ version does just what it says : gives you 18+ content that is, in my opinion, pretty sub-par. Just to give you an idea, my playthrough of Muv-luv 4 years ago was with the 18+ version and I skipped every single ero-scene except the one in Alternative that I talked about earlier. The ero-scenes in Muv-luv are also very sparse and few, especially in Unlimited + Alternative, so there's actually very little content that is cut in the all-ages version.
Also, thank you very much for sharing your experience !
Clannad would be my second pick. It packs a strong emotional whallop with its drama, more than any other Key game I've played. But it's my second pick because the writing leading up to it isn't consistently good, it's poorly edited and structured, and it's pretty contrived. Still very much worth playing but it shares a lot of the problems of the form and of Key's other works with multiple writers at the helm.