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Shut down Steam, open your Finder, go to Users > "YOUR USERNAME" > Library > Application Support > Steam, and delete everything apart from the "steamapps" folder. After that run Steam, which should still run since it's in the Applications folder. It will then re-download the application (not the games since those weren't deleted). If your Steam application is gone just re-download it.
Your games probably won't show up, but if start them Steam should tell you that it's discovering existing files which shouldn't take long and after that they will be playable.
I'd be curious to know if it will actually work, but I think it will.
It didn't work; I tried this before posting and a lot of other reinstall/etc type solutions. All failed.
But I did find a fix after all. It was an issue with my DNS. I had to change it to a google/public one (8.8.8.8 and 8.8.4.4) and everything just magically went back to normal. Kinda weird but yeah.